Senseless Doneness
by Cyrro
Summary: Part Two of 'Why You Should NEVER Keep all Your S Rank Files in One Place'. Hiruzen has had enough of Konoha's special brand of crazy and wants to go on holiday. But first he must appoint the Fifth Hokage. Naruto, meanwhile, is determined to make chunin BEFORE getting dragged off on a training trip. And what's this about peace with the Hidden Mist?
1. The Musings of a Hokage

**AN: Welcome to Part Two of 'Why You Should NEVER Keep all Your S Rank Files in one Place'. As was the case with part one, the story is written with the help of my co author, the tackily pen-named 'Ignus Dracorex'. He will leave most authors' notes (excepting the omake dedications, which I like to do myself.) When reading this, please bear in mind one thing: if you have not read all of Part One you will have no idea what is going on (and by all, I also mean the omakes, which many seem to have forgotten are a legitimate part of the story). ~ Cyrro.**

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi, called The Professor, Third Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, is done.

Done with paperwork.

Done with ninjas coming to him with all their problems.

Done with losing to Iruka Umino at shogi (1,052 losses so far, not that anyone is counting).

Done with chasing after Naruto and the rest of that incorrigible Team Seven.

Done with trying to organize peace treaties.

In short: Hiruzen Sarutobi is Done with being the Hokage.

But who to appoint as his successor? Naruto is still too young, Kakashi's genins need to graduate before he is made Hokage, Shikaku is too damn lazy, and Jiraiya…

Actually, Jiraiya might be the only solution right now. If he refuses he better have a damn good suggestion for who should take over the paperwork and being bossed about by Iruka.

Hiruzen will make Iruka Hokage just as soon as he wants everyone to pack up and leave the village out of terror. Of only there was a way to subtly fob the young man off on another village...

It has been a week since the end of the chunin exams and Hiruzen is so disenchanted with being the Hokage he is tempted to move so far away he finds himself in a strange land where people live in stone castles and men wear skirts, play piped instruments and drink all day.

Yeah, as if a place like that actually _exists_.

Anyway, Hiruzen berates himself for getting off topic in his musings, back to the main problem. Choosing a successor. It will either be Jiraiya, or whoever Jiraiya comes up with to wheedle out of it.

Just as soon as Jiraiya gets back from his holiday in the Hidden Rain with his old students, that is. After the battle was finished and the Akatsuki met with the Hokage, Team Seven, Shikamaru and Jiraiya on the roof of the stadium, Nagato and Konan invited Jiraiya to come with them to the Hidden Rain to see what they've done with the place. He accepted of course (anything to get out of the Leaf Village).Thank goodness Kakashi thought to send Naruto along as insurance that he would return.

Once Jiraiya returns with Naruto, Hiruzen will offer him a choice: take the hat or find someone else and force _them_ to take it. Hopefully Jiraiya will do the smart thing and make the obvious suggestion that he himself completely missed.

While he is waiting for that to happen though, there is an order of business he needs to conduct.

The chunin promotions.

Why wait a whole week to do them, one might ask?

The answer is simple: the unorthodox end to the exams and the fact that the vests for the new recruits had to be custom made. No one was expecting twelve year olds to make it to the final round, after all.

"Call them in," the Hokage orders the jounin senseis.

Once the genin are standing before him, the Hokage says, "Because of the unorthodox ending to the chunin exams, I have decided to promote you based on your performances in your preliminary matches, the matches you fought in the final round, and on how you responded when the invasion began. Congratulations on your promotions to chunin, Shikamaru Nara and Sasuke Uchiha."

The two newly promoted chunin are given their vests. The pair bow, thank the Hokage and put on their vests. Then they leave with their jounin senseis.

The Hokage is glad once they are gone. Now he can get back to planning his retirement. He will leave his paperwork just a little bit behind out of spite for the Hokage position. He searches his emotions for a glimmer of remorse.

None whatsoever.

Hiruzen happily goes back to not doing his paperwork.

What to do once he retires? Well, there is a lot of one-on-one time with his grandson and son to catch up on. And he should start bugging Asuma about when he is going to hurry up and marry Kurenai, settle down and have some lovely babies for Hiruzen to spoil.

Hiruzen fills up his pipe and goes over to the window. Maybe a holiday to the Land of Rice Paddies will do him good. Or perhaps he should take a trip to the Land of Waves and see the Great Naruto Bridge.

On second thoughts, anything even remotely involving Naruto is out of the question for Hiruzen's upcoming holiday. So is everything even remotely involving Iruka, Team Seven, Akatsuki - just the shinobi world in general. A few months in a non-shinobi nation is just what Hiruzen needs.

Hiruzen is done with the Shinobi world and all its craziness. He almost wishes he'd fought Orochimaru and died. Almost.

The door crashes open. "Grandpa Hokage!"

Well, it sounds like Naruto is back. "Hello Naruto," says Hiruzen.

"Me an' Pervy-Sage are back!" Naruto announces.

"Good," Hiruzen turns to see Jiraiya following Naruto into his office. "Jiraiya, I'm going to retire."

"Can I be Hokage?" asks Naruto.

"No, you are still too young. I am offering the position to Jiraiya."

"Oh, #### NO!" Jiraiya objects rather like Gamabunta would have.

"Then who, pray tell, should I give the Hat to?"

"I'll get Tsunade," says Jiraiya. "She can be the next Hokage. We need a female Hokage."

"How are you going to get her to come back to the village?" asks Hiruzen, surprised. Why didn't he think of Tsunade?

"I have an idea," says Jiraiya. "But I'll need a Naruto to pull it off."

Yes, Hiruzen decides. He is DONE.

So done that his level of doneness needs a name of it's own. Maybe he should call it 'Senseless Doneness'?

Nah, that's a _stupid_ name.


	2. Best Friends at Last

Tsunade has had a successful day of gambling.

That worries her.

She only has success when something bad or life changing is about to happen.

So while Shizune is glowing over the fact they finally won some money, Tsunade drowns her worries in the comfort of a Sake bottle. What could possibly be coming worth a 5 million yen gambling win?

"Hey Tsunade!"

Oh. That. "Go away Jiraiya."

"Aw, come on, Tsunade," says Jiraiya, sitting down across from her. There is a kid with him.

"Whadda ya want?" she slurs. "And how did you find me?"

"I followed the rumors of the beautiful, busty lady, of course," says Jiraiya. He's trying to butter her up for something but what? "Sarutobi sensei wants you to be the Fifth Hokage."

Oh. That.

Seriously, is this the reason she won 5 million yen? This is worth at least another 10 million.

"Wait, this is the Lady Gramps wants to be the next Hokage?" the kid jumps up on the table and points at Tsunade. Does he have ADHD or something? "I bet I could take her out easy! She's just an old drunk! Gramps must be going senile!"

"What, you think you can beat me?" Tsunade is mad. The little brat! Who does he think he is, anyway? "Ha! I bet I could beat you with one finger!"

"Then let's take this outside, dattebayo!" the kid shouts.

Dattebayo? Is this Kushina's kid? "You're on, brat!" Tsunade declares. They march outside, Jiraiya and Shizune following.

Tsunade and the brat face off, glaring at each other. The kid pulls out some pranking supplies. This fight will be easy. With one finger, she deflects and redirects all his pranks. Then she flicks him in the forehead and sends him flying backwards into a building.

The brat crawls out of the dust, grinning in awe. "Wow, you're amazing!" he says. "You're totally worthy to be the Hokage! Maybe we'll finally have a Hokage who can stand up to Iruka-nii!"

Iruka-nii? So is he Kohari and Ikkaku's kid? She didn't know they had a second child. Plus he looks nothing like them. No, he's definitely Kushina and Minato's kid. Maybe that Little Punk Iruka took the brat under his wing. "So is Iruka still manipulating the Hokage, then?" she asks.

"Yep," affirms Jiraiya. "It's gotten to the point where he might as well be Hokage."

"Then make him Hokage!" snaps Tsunade. "I refuse to take such a stupid, worthless role!"

"You think being the Hokage is worthless?" The Brat demands, his entire manner suddenly cold as ice. The kid starts to form a rasengan. "Hokages are not worthless! I will be the Hokage someday!" he runs at her and tries to hit her with the incomplete rasengan.

She deflects it easily. "Stupid boy! You can't even master your father's jutsu and you think you can be the Hokage?"

"I'm still learning it," sulks The Brat. Then he points to her again. "I'll make you a bet!" he shouts. "If I can master the rasengan in three days, you have to be the Fifth Hokage!"

"You're on," agrees Tsunade. "And I'll throw my necklace into the deal!" Damn her automatic habit of accepting every bet she is challenged to then raising the stakes!

The Brat grins. "You got a deal, Granny."

"What did you just call me!?"

"Granny!"

"You little BRAT! GET BACK HERE!" she chases him down, but unfortunately he vanishes. Stupid Brat. He forgot to name what he would give her when he loses. After all, she is on a winning streak.

Naruto is stuck. He cannot figure out how to complete the Rasengan with only two hands. How is he supposed to control the flow and the spinning and the power and all the other stuff at the same time? Honestly, was his Dad super smart or something? Why couldn't he have passed any of those brains down?

It is almost time for him to show his completed rasengan to Granny Tsunade, and he is no closer to completing it than he was three days ago. Frustrated, Naruto face plants in the grass.

"I'm going to lose this bet," he mutters into the grass.

 _What happened to all that confidence, Naruto?_ Kurama asks, growling.

 _Three days of no progress, and Pervy Sage is nowhere to be found,_ Naruto says. _I need help, and there's noone here but you -_ Naruto sits up, suddenly filled with hope. _Can_ you _help me, Kurama? I need to find a way to control all the parts of the Rasengan, but I can only focus on two at once!_

 _Well,_ says Kurama. _You could use a shadow clone._

 _Really!? Why didn't I think of that?_ Naruto face palms.

 _Imagine not thinking of your best ninjutsu. You could use a shadow clone, or,_ Kurama doesn't bother to hide his smugness from Naruto. _You could let me handle the third stage._

 _You would do that?_

 _Of course. You might be a stupid human, but you're MY stupid human._

 _So are we BFFs now?_

The fox sighs. _Sure, why not? Now let's give this a try. Start making your Rasengan._

Naruto starts to form his rasengan, taking it to the second stage before Kurama says, _Now, I am going to extend my chakra along your arm - the one you are keeping still - and contain the silly thing with my chakra. This might tickle a bit, but don't let it break your concentration._ Naruto feels Kurama's chakra travel down his arm and into the rasengan, controlling and balancing it. Now Naruto knows what the complete Rasengan is supposed to feel like. Maybe another few years of practice, and he might be able to do it on his own. Maybe.

Veins of red from Kurama's chakra mix with the blue of Naruto's chakra. Faster and faster the rasengan spins, and the faster it spins, the more the two colours mix together. Soon the entire rasengan takes on a purple hue. "Woah!" Naruto is so surprised he releases the jutsu. "It was purple!"

"Indeed."

Naruto spins around to see Granny Tsunade standing behind him with the Pervy Sage.

"So you actually managed to master the jutsu," Granny Tsunade continues. "And here I thought I'd actually win." She sighs. "I guess my luck ran out."


	3. Peace for What!

Naruto jumps in surprise as Pervy Sage falls face first onto the table. "Granny! I think Pervy Sage is dead!"

"Don't be silly," says Tsunade. "I put a sedative in his food."

"Why?" asks Naruto.

"Because I want to go to the hotsprings before we leave," Tsunade tells him. "But the ones in this town are mixed bathing, and there is no way I am going to give Jiraiya the opportunity to peep on me so openly."

"Oh." Naruto's face falls. "I wanted to go to the hotsprings too. But I've been so busy training and -"

"Just come with me."

"But I thought you wouldn't want-"

"You're a kid. Jiraiya's, well, Jiraiya," Tsunade points out. "Besides, your mother was from the same clan as my Grandmother - her great niece, or something. We're related, so stop that line of thought right there."

"Okay!" Naruto grins.

"You coming, Shizune?" Tsunade asks, as she gets up to leave.

"No," Shizune says, shaking her head. "Some one better stay and make sure Jiraiya stays unconscious. Besides, I went while he was drunk and unconscious last night."

"Okay then. Come on Naruto!"

"Coming Granny!" Naruto jumps up and runs after Tsunade.

"Stop calling me that!"

"But I've never had a Grandparent before!" protests Naruto. "'Cept Gramps Hokage. Besides, you're actually related to me!"

"Yea, as a distant cousin."

"But...but...I never had an adult female relative…!"

Tsunade feels a definite tug on her heartstrings. Poor kid. "Fine," she relents. "You can call me 'granny'. But if anyone else does, I will break them so badly even I will have trouble putting them back together."

It is Naruto's first time at a mixed bathing hot spring, and he is a little nervous that he will get beat up for staring at a strange girl. To his relief, there are only two other people there, a fifteen year old boy and a lady who looks like she's Shizune's age.

Naruto goes over to the boy to make friends with him, while Tsunade sits next to the lady and chats to her about the price of sake.

"I'm Naruto," says Naruto, brightly. "Who are you?"

"I'm Chojuro," says the boy shyly.

"Soooo, are you a ninja?"

"Yes."

"Cool, so am I. I like to prank my foes rather than kill them. The ANBU nick named me 'The Orange Terror'. And like, a few weeks ago, I pranked some guy called Orochimaru, he's supposed to be some S Rank missing ninja or something, but he was easier to take out than the One Tail."

Chojuro just stares at Naruto, a look of disbelief on his face.

Over on the other side of the pool, the Lady Tsunade is chatting with is complaining about the scarcity of nice men. "I mean, how am I supposed to find a nice man, who is a good ninja, loves kids and doesn't mind doing hours of boring paperwork?"

"My village doesn't have a shortage of those," drawls out Tsunade. "Or, at least it didn't last time I was there. For all I know they all got married."

Chojuro sighs. "That's Lady Mizukage, she just wants to get married."

"Wait, she's the Mizukage?" Naruto whispers in awe, looking from Chojuro to the auburn haired lady and back.

Chojuro claps his hands over his mouth, wide eyed in horror.

"Are you guys undercover?" Naruto whispers, conspiratorially.

Chojuro nods.

"Sweet," Naruto grins. Then he sloshes over to the two chatting ladies. "So Chojuro accidently let slip that you're the Mizukage." he says conversationally. "Granny Tsunade is gonna be the fifth Hokage."

"I'm sorry Mei-sama!" Chojuro apologises frantically.

"It's alright, Chojuro," says the Mizukage, patting him on the head.

"In the old days, he probably would've been killed for a slip up like that," remarks Tsunade.

"True," says the Mizukage. "But those days are over. Now that I'm in charge, the Mist will move towards more peaceful, kinder ways."

"So do you wanna join our peace movement?" Naruto asks. "The Rain and the Leaf and all our allies are joining together and making permanent alliances with other villages. We have the sand and the Akatsuki on board, and the Akatsuki are in the middle of convincing the Stone. Our aim is world peace, and no more ninja wars!"

"That seems to be an intriguing idea," muses the Mizukage. "But how would I know you aren't trying to trick the Mist into an alliance so you can stab us in the back later?"

"Konoha is full of single men," says Granny Tsunade, apparently catching on to Naruto's idea. "You can take your pick. We'll organize a political marriage alliance, how's that?"

"You would find me a husband in the name of peace?" the Mizukage seems surprised.

"Yep!" Naruto confirms cheerfully.

"So, Naruto," asks Granny Tsunade. "Who are Konoha's current bachelors?"

"Well, there's Ebisu, Kakashi-sensei, most of the ANBU, Ibiki - actually, no. Sakura said Ibiki's started going out with Anko. I suppose we should make up a list, huh?" Naruto says, thinking hard.

"Wait, are Ibiki Morino and Anko Mitarashi dating?" Granny Tsunade asks. "Since when?"

Naruto shrugs. "I dunno. I didn't even know who they are until a month ago."

The Mizukage says, "What if you pick a guy I don't like, or who doesn't want to marry me? I don't want to force someone to marry me."

"I suppose we can set you up with a marriage interview with the men that fit your criteria," says Granny Tsunade. "You can pick the one that's right for you. And if we don't find him in the Leaf, we'll just have to go through our allies' supply of men."


	4. Deal With it

Mei Terumi and Chojuro finally make it back to the Village Hidden in the Mist. Upon arrival, Mei immediately calls a meeting of her council and Jounins.

"I have an announcement," Mei announces to her underlings. "I'm getting married."

"To whom?" asks Ao.

"I don't know yet," says Mei, happily.

"Did you seriously call us together just for this?" Ao make an 'I'm done' gesture. "We all know you plan to get married. Could you at least wait until you've actually chosen a man and got engaged to him before making this announcement?"

Mei sighs. "But then you wouldn't know why I kept visiting the Hidden Leaf and its allies."

Utter silence.

"What?" someone ventures.

"I made a deal with the Hidden Leaf," says Mei, seriously. "In exchange for permanent peace with the Hidden Mist, the Leaf and her allies - that is those who are following the recent peace movement the Hidden Rain started - have agreed that I can marry whichever of their single, unattached men that I choose." she smiles happily. "So I am going to get married. And in the name of peace no less."

Dead silence reigns for exactly 30 seconds.

Then Mei's minions all start protesting and arguing loudly.

"QUIET!" she yells, silencing them. "I'm getting married in the name of peace, and you gotta deal with it!"

"I've made the list Granny!" Naruto announces, bounding into the council meeting. "We can start Operation Peace With the Mist!"

"You organized peace with the Mist while you were gone?" asks Hiruzen. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Granny helped!" Naruto says modestly.

"So what's the real reason you chose Tsunade?" asks Shikaku Nara.

 _He's sharp on the uptake_ , Hiruzen thinks. _The stuff I just told them about how I chose Tsunade because she's powerful, a Senju, and it's about time we had a female Hokage obviously didn't fool him._ Aloud he says, "I chose Tsunade for all the reasons I have mentioned, however you are right in that there is another reason. The reason is simple: she can not only control Naruto, but Iruka as well."

"Why didn't you say so earlier!" says Tsume Inuzuka. "That changes everything. She is obviously the ONLY choice of she can control both of those two!"

A chorus of affirmatives travels around the table.

Tsunade is made Hokage that afternoon, with a lot of relieved whispering among the clan heads. After the ceremony, the retired Third Hokage collects his travel pack and heads towards the village gates to set off on his holiday. Hiruzen is happy: finally he can leave this crazy village. Of course he plans to come back. Just not for a while.

"Grandpa!" Konohamaru grabs him around the middle. "Why are you leaving?" he looks up at Hiruzen with teary eyes.

"I need a holiday," says Hiruzen. "I'll be back...eventually."

"But Grandpa…!"

"Look, I need a break from everything ninja. I'll be back once I've cleared my head." Hiruzen pats Konohamaru on the head. Now he better split before anyone else turns up and begs him to stay (and potentially convince him). He better shunshin as far away as he can. Hiruzen thinks wistfully of his imagined perfect holiday spot - a place where men wear skirts, play piped instruments, drink all day and perhaps, he thinks, that place also has rolling hills and wild forests. Perhaps. He shunshins away as he is thinking of his imagined place.

He finds himself in a village filled with oddly dressed people. The houses seem rather odd and primitive. A few men are armed with strange old fashioned weaponry. Hiruzen is about to shunshin away, when he sees something very, very odd. The men are wearing skirts.

Hiruzen grins. He has found the place to spend his holiday.

Gaara suppresses the urge to kill the entire council of the Village Hidden in the Sand. "You want to what?" he asks.

"We want to double promote you to Jounin and make you the Fifth Kazekage."

"Why?" it is Temari who demands to know the reason they are promoting Gaara.

"Because, well," Baki doesn't seem to want to give the answer. "It is the only thing we can think of to ensure Gaara doesn't turn on the village."

"That's absurd!" Kankuro shouts. "Gaara won't turn on us!"

"No," interrupts Gaara. "They are right. There is no way they can know what you know until I prove it. There is no way they will trust me until I earn their trust."

"Gaara, you don't have to -"

"Yes, I do." Gaara looks around the circle of councillors. "If you want me to be the Kazekage in order to keep me loyal to the village, then I will become the Kazekage."

"You aren't going to argue?" asks Temari, ascance.

"No," Gaara says. "I want to prove that I can be a good person; to myself as much as to you and the Village. What better way to do this than to be the Kazekage?"

"So are we agreed then?" asks Baki. "Gaara will be the Fifth Kazekage of the Village Hidden in the Sand."

Gaara smiles, and accepts the Kazekage hat.

 **Omake**

 **Soup Story Three: Oh, so it IS Genetic, Then.**

 _Dedicated to_ **Freedomits2l8** _for the ideas._

Sakura is very, very proud. Today is a day she has been waiting for for a long time.

It is time to let Sarada cook alone.

Although, for some reason, Sasuke seems unreasonably terrified at the thought of letting his daughter 'loose in the kitchen' as he put it. So while Sakura is giving her daughter a final rundown on kitchen safety, Sasuke has gone off to find a bomb shelter to hide in.

"I KNOW, Mum," says Sarada, rolling her eyes. "We've cooked together plenty of times. And I've cooked with Daddy too. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" asks Sakura, hoping that maybe her baby hasn't grown up quite this much yet.

"Yes," says Sarada, shutting the kitchen door in her mother's face. "Now leave me alone!"

Sakura sighs and goes to find Sasuke. She finds him hiding under their bed with headphones on. The headphones are plugged into a radio, and the radio is going at full blast. Sakura pulls off the headphones and drags Sasuke out from under the bed.

"What's gotten into you?" asks Sakura, turning off the radio. "Sarada 's cooked plenty of times."

"You've heard of the Senju Stupid, of course?" says Sasuke, his eyes wide with terror.

"Well, no duh."

"The Uchiha clan has something similar, which select members of the Leaf have caught," whispers Sasuke. "It doesn't have a name, but every menu item in 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER', which was started by the First Hokage and Madara, is a result of this problem. Even the entries in the 'Konoha's WORST Soups Ever to Grace the Earth: (Try at your own peril)' section are results of this."

"Sasuke you aren't making any sense," says Sakura, patiently.

There is a crash and the sound of maniacal laughter, followed by the sound of a knife being thrown across the kitchen.

"What the Kishimoto is going on in there?" says Sakura.

"There are two categories of cooks among Uchiha: the kind that can cook and the kind that cannot," says Sasuke. "Of the kind that can cook there are two types: the type like my Mum and myself who cook in total silence, without making a sound, and the kind like Shisui and Sarada."

There is another crash from the kitchen.

"The point is," finishes Sasuke. "Never let an Uchiha cook alone."

Sakura runs down to the kitchen, slamming open the door. Sarada is calmly standing at the stove, stirring a pot of odd smelling soup. She is humming cheerfully as she stands among the carnage that is the ingredients she used.

None of them are ever used together. And very few of them are ever used in soup.

"I've been experimenting," says Sarada, turning to smile at her mother.

Sasuke appears in the doorway looking terrified and cautiously picks his way across the room to the stove. Carefully he takes up a spoon, dips it into the pot and takes a mouthful of soup. "That's weird," he says.

Sakura pinches the spoon of Sasuke and tries the soup for herself. Surprised she says, "It actually works!"

A week later, a new item appears on the menu of 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER.' It is called 'It's Weird, but it Works.'


	5. Who Do You Think You Are!

"So, Granny," says Naruto after the inauguration ceremony. "Is it true that you are one of the best healers ever, cause I heard someone mention it once, and also Kakashi-sensei said so (but you can't always trust what Kakashi-sensei says, I mean there is no road in the entire village called The Road of Life - I checked)."

"Is Kakashi _still_ making up bad excuses for being late?" asks Granny Tsunade, striding along with purpose.

"Yep," Naruto tells her. "But we've been pranking him for being late."

"Good, that ought to teach the little bastard."

"But are you one of the best healers ever?" persists Naruto.

"No, I'm _the_ best healer ever."

"SWEET!" Naruto is practically skipping in happiness at this point. "Before the chunin exams, I met this kid at the hospital who said his brother is dying. Do you think you could take a look at him and help him, maybe?"

"Do you know this kid or his brother?"

"Nah, well, I only met Sai once, but I never met his brother."

"Then how do you know his brother hasn't already died?"

Naruto freezes. "But… he can't be dead already. It wasn't that long ago, and…"

"If you can find this kid 'Sai' and his brother, then I'll take a look at him, okay?" Granny Tsunade pats Naruto on the head.

Grinning, Naruto runs to the hospital to look for Sai. _Some help finding them, Kurama?_ He begs his new bestie.

 _Follow my directions,_ says Kurama.

 _Right._

 _Turn left! Up that flight of stairs! Turn right. Now left. Through this door!_

Naruto scoots to a stop in the hospital room. Sai and a man who seems rather familiar are standing beside a bed in which lies a boy with blueish-grey hair. Both Sai and the man are wearing medical masks. The boy is coughing up blood, his face a sickly yellow colour.

Sai looks up at Naruto. "Oh, hi Naruto," he says. There are tears in his eyes. "This is my brother, Shin. Shin," he turns to the boy, who is still coughing. "This is Naruto, the one I told you about."

Shin smiles. "The one who thinks Danzo is a pussy?"

"Well, Danzo is a pussy," says Naruto.

"You would think that, wouldn't you?" mutters the man.

 _He's the guy you followed to the Secret Archive,_ says Kurama, sniggering.

Naruto starts giggling. "You're the ANBU I followed that time, aren't you?"

"Yes," sulkes the ANBU. "My name is Yamato."

"Nice," says Naruto, not really caring. "I came to tell you Tsunade's back in the village, and she agreed to take a look at you." He grins winningly at Shin.

Shin smiles and then doubles over as another wave of violent coughing grips him. The machine he is hooked up to starts making wild alarm-like noises. Medical staff rush in, shooing out Naruto, Sai and Yamato.

"Is he gonna die?" Naruto asks.

"Yes," says Yamato. "He has Tuberculosis, and since he's been hiding it for so long, the treatments aren't working. He's actually lucky he's still alive."

"Oh, well, that sucks," says Naruto. "But I know that Granny Tsunade can help!" he grins encouragingly. "I'll go get her." Naruto shunshins back to the Hokage Tower and runs to fetch Granny Tsunade.

"I found him!" Naruto yells when he finds Granny Tsunade, who is rifling through the paperwork Gramps Third left behind and handing it to Shizune.

"That was quick," says Granny Tsunade, dumping another file in Shizune's hands.

"Kurama helped."

"Who's Kurama?"

"Oh, I guess you don't know, huh?" Naruto scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "Kurama is the Nine Tailed Fox's name."

"Is the kid still alive?" asks Granny Tsunade, not seeming to mind that Naruto is on a first name basis with the Nine Tails.

"Yes, but he's dying. He's got tib-tiber-something." Naruto stumbles over the word.

"Tuberculosis?" Granny Tsunade guesses.

"Yeah, that." Naruto nods. "Yamato said Shin's been hiding it for ages, and now they can't cure him."

"Well, let's go then," says Tsunade.

They shunshin to the Hospital and Naruto takes Tsunade to Shin's room. Yamato and Sai are still standing outside Sai's room.

A doctor in a surgical mask quietly exits the room. "I'm sorry," he says. "We cannot save him."

Granny Tsunade looks that doctor in the eye and says, "Really? Let me take a look at him. I can heal pretty much anything."

"Who do you think you are?" the doctor challenges. "This is MY patient. This is MY field of expertize-"

"And I'm the Hokage."

"H-Hokage Sama!" the doctor bows. "I didn't know.."

"Who cares," Granny Tsunade pushes him aside. "I'm going to save this kid, dammit!" Naruto follows her into the room, curious to see what Granny Tsunade will do.

Granny Tsunade sees all the blood covering Shin's hospital gown and the bed and freezes, a look of utter horror on her face.

Shizune arrives. "Oh, no!" she despairs.

"What's wrong with Granny Tsunade?" asks Naruto.

"She's afraid of blood."

Shizune runs forward and tries to heal Shin with glowing hands, but it is too late.

The heart monitor beside the bed flatlines.


	6. Facts of Life

Itachi will never admit it, but he cannot see past the end of his nose. In Fact, he can't even see his nose clearly. Every few seconds, he checks his surroundings with his sharingan to make sure he isn't about to walk into anything.

Ah, there is a flight of stairs in his path. He will make every effort to climb them normally. As his father used to say: "Facts of Life cannot be changed without great difficulty and/or a miracle."

Fact of Life: Itachi is going blind.

Fact of Life: Itachi needs to climb these stairs. (This can be changed with great difficulty, ie climbing said stairs.) Itachi grabs hold of the rail and begins to climb the stairs. He thinks he is about half way up when he lets go, thinking that he probably doesn't need the hand rail anymore. Itachi continues up the stairs, wondering if there is any way to save what is left of his eyesight, and, if so, will glasses be an option, or will he need a white cane?

As he is having this thought, he trips and tumbles back down the stairs.

Ouch. That hurts.

"Are you alright, Itachi san?" inquires a green blob from above him.

"Oh, I'm fine," says Itachi, getting up. "I'm just going blind from overusing my Sharingan is all."

"Oh what an unfortunate thing!" laments the voice of Might Guy.

So Lee and Guy are both there. Funny, Itachi can only see one green blob.

"Yes, Guy sensei!" agrees Rock Lee, who had spoken first. "To lose one's sight at such a young age it truly terrible!"  
"You _are_ younger than me, right?" Itachi asks, just to be sure. Every blob and blur looks the same these days.

"Yes, I am but a single year older than your youthful brother!"

Itachi sighs. He really needs to get up the stairs.

"I will carry you up those stairs!" declares Guy.

"You really don't have to do that." Itachi resigns himself to his fate with minimal resistance and is promptly hoisted over Guy's shoulder.

"You should join Nagato sama's club for crippled shinobi!" Lee suggests as Guy carries Itachi up the stairs.

"You wait here Lee; I'll be right back!" Guy runs up the stairs with Itachi.

Tsunade stares at the blood. All that blood. So much blood. Blood like when Dan died. Blood like when Nawaki died.

She can't do this. What foolish bravado made her think she could be a medic again?

So much blood…

"Granny!" Naruto's voice cuts through the haze of memories. "Granny, snap out of it! You can save him!"

Can she? Can she really; or will he die?

"Granny, what kind of medical ninja are you? Afraid of blood! That's ####ing bull####!"

He's right, really. But why is she afraid of all the blood?

"You're just scared someone else will die on your watch! But you know what? There was this policeman who once told me that Facts Of Life are very hard to change, and you need a miracle to change some of them!"

What does Fugaku's catchphrase have to do with this? Tsunade wondeers.

"Well here's a Fact Of Life: This boy is gonna die! Be the miracle that can change that!"

Tsunade stares at the blood. Blood means death.

But this boy's heart has already stopped.

There is still time to save him, if they can revive him and heal him.

"Here's a Fact Of Life:" Tsunade declares as resolve fills her again. "I am going to save this kid!" she releases her Hundred Healings Mark and begins to heal him. "And I refuse to be afraid of blood!"

She heals the boy. She heals his lungs, she heals his heart, she heals his kidneys, she heals his spine, she heals his brain - and she drains her seal doing it. The boy is healed, and Tsunade's youthful appearance is gone.

"Wow, she really is a Grandma," says the black haired boy standing beside Naruto.

"Fact Of Life," says Naruto. "Tsunade will kill you if you call her a Grandma."

The boy goes pale. Then he runs past Tsunade to where the newly healed boy is sitting up checking himself over for any lingering traces of the disease. He isn't going to find any. "Shin!" the black haired boy throws his arms around the boy Tsunade just healed. "Are you all healed now?"

"Yes Sai," says the boy Tsunade healed, Shin. That's right, Naruto did mention his name was Shin.

Naruto hugs Tsunade, all teary eyed and snotty nosed. "Thank you Granny. You saved my friend!"

Tsunade smiles and pats Naruto on the head. "I should be the one thanking you, Naruto. You helped my overcome my fear of blood. If you hadn't, that little boy would be dead."

"Wait," says Shin. "I don't know you. This is the first time I've met you in person. So how is it that you're calling me your friend?"

"Yes, that does confuse me a bit," says Tsunade. "When you asked me to help this kid you said he was your friend's brother, but you don't even know these kids do you?"

Naruto is a little confused. "But...but...you're my friends."

"Alright, then," says Shin. "From now on, we're your friends."

"What's a friend?" asks Sai.

"Who were you raised by, Danzo?" asks Tsunade. What kind of kid doesn't know what a friend is?

"Actually, yes," says Sai. "We were." Then he smiles a very fake looking smile.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **The Adventures of Hiruzen Sarutobi: Part One.**

 _AN: this omake is for the 24 followers this story has, and all the guests who still read this._

Hiruzen looks around the village he finds himself in, grinning like an idiot. There are plenty of men wearing skirts, but there are some soldiers swanning around like they own the place. Hiruzen is tempted to give them what-for, but he doesn't want to cause any trouble. Besides, everyone here speaks a strange language.

A soldier pushes Hiruzen aside, saying something angrily as he does so.

Hiruzen turns on the man and, poking the man in the chest to punctuate each word, he says, "Now look here, young man: show some respect to your elders! Your mother would be ashamed of you!"

The man says something obviously rude and derogatory, and shoves Hiruzen to one side.

And that right there is all the encouragement Hiruzen needs to give these soldiers what-for. Time to open a can of ninja whoop-ass.

Hiruzen punches the man across the street.

The man yells something, getting to his feet and drawing his sword. Hiruzen smiles and pulls out a kunai. Soldiers from all over town run at him, shouting angrily, with their swords drawn. Hiruzen fights them off easily with his kunai. Soon the soldiers start to run for their very lives. Once they are gone, Hiruzen yawns and puts away his kunai.

The village people cheer and throw things after the retreating soldiers. Then the crowd turns to Hiruzen and gathers around him. They pick him him up and carry him on their shoulders to the local tavern where they give him a ton of free alcohol and everyone gets very, very drunk.

"This is going to be an interesting holiday," says Hiruzen as he downs a mug full of the foreign alcohol.


	7. This Seems Like it was Important!

The Leaders of the Hidden Leaf, Hidden Grass, Hidden Sand, Hidden Rain, Hidden Mist and their other allied countries sit around the meeting table in the Hidden Leaf council room.

Tsunade is very glad that she forced Iruka to stop making Ebisu take his Academy class for him. Iruka is (for the first time since Naruto graduated) doing what he should be and teaching at the Academy. She needs to think of a more permanent solution to the problem of Iruka stepping into Mikoto's role as Disturber of the Village's Leadership, but that can wait. For now, they need to discuss peace with the Mist.

"Do you expect us to make peace with the Mist?" demands the Leader of the Hidden Grass. "Do you know what they have done in the past?"

"I'm sure they know what they've done in the past just as much as we do," says Gaara, the newly appointed child Kazekage. "They are the ones who did it after all."

"But...but they've done terrible things…!"

"So has my subordinate Kisame Hoshigaki," says Nagato mildly. "I'm sure he would love to talk to you about how it is in your best interests to sign the peace treaty. And honour it too."

"Yes Nagato Sama."

Nagato raises an eyebrow.

"I mean kami-sama!" corrects the Leader of the Grass.

Nagato nods. "Good, then it's settled. The Grass will sign the treaty."

"So will the Waterfall," says the leader of the waterfall.

The other minor villages murmur their agreement. It seems nobody wants to argue with the Akatsuki.

"Sand will also sign."

That surprises Tsunade. She expected the Little Kazekage to do what the jounin standing behind him said earlier and refuse to sign.

"I thought you said you were going to make the right decision," snapped the jounin, (Baki, or something like that). Earlier he had told Gaara to refuse to sign a peace treaty with the mist. Gaara had esponded that he would 'make the right decision'.

"But isn't the decision for peace the right one?" Gaara asks with a show of childish innocence. "Can't you at least give peace a chance?"

"What happened to you, Gaara?" asks Baki.

Gaara looks up at Baki in surprise. "I thought you would have realized. Naruto Uzumaki happened to me."

"The same thing that happened to me," says Nagato.

"And me," adds Tsunade.

"And the same one who asked me to join the Peace Movement," finishes Mei. "For those of you who still have doubts, know this: the Mist bitterly regrets its past of violence and bloodshed. We want peace with the other villages, but more than that, we want to prove that we have changed and left the Bloody Mist behind."

"This is why I will sign the peace treaty with you," says Gaara. "For I too have a bloody past I wish to leave behind."

Tsunade is surprised. This mild mannered child has a bloody past?

"But Gaara…!" Baki protests.

"You made me Kazekage," Gaara says, _looking_ at Baki. "Now listen to what I say."

Baki looks frankly terrified. Tsunade wonders why.

"Well, that settles it, then," says Mei, happily. "I'm getting married, and we're all getting peace!"

"When are you getting married?" Gaara asks.

"Oh, didn't Tsunade tell you the terms of our agreement?" Mei asks. "We agreed that I would marry a man of my choosing from the Leaf, or if I do not find one in the Leaf, one of your villages."

"Wait, I didn't agree to this!" objects the leader of the Grass.

"You do now," says Nagato, reasonably.

"Yes, you're right, kami-sama."

"That's what I thought."

"That seems to be a sensible idea," says Baki, nodding. "Such an alliance will ensure our villages stay on friendly terms. We should encourage inter village marriages to cement our alliances."

Agreement travels around the table.

"So when will I get my first marriage interview?" asks Mei.

Tsunade smiles. "Naruto and his team have already made up a list. Go and see them in the Uchiha compound after the meeting so they can discuss the first marriage interview with you. As far as I know, the first one is with Ebisu here," she jerks her thumb at Ebisu who is standing behind her, helping Shizune hold the stack of paperwork Tsunade is cheerfully not doing.

"Wait, I wasn't notified of this!" Ebisu says, sounding a bit panicked. "Why did no one tell me? This seems pretty important!"

"Well, you know now." Tsunade says. "So get your ass to Konohamaru's house, he's briefing you."

"Okay," says Ebisu accepting his fate with dignity.

"Well, on that note," says Mei. "I am not signing the treaty until after my wedding."

"Fair enough." Tsunade shrugs. "So now that that's settled, let's adjourn the meeting."

"Cool," says Nagato. "I have a meeting of the Crippled Shinobi's Club to attend. We must welcome our newest member Itachi! And I didn't even know he was going blind…"

"Is Rock Lee going to be there?" asks Gaara.

"Why yes," Nagato says, looking surprised. "Why?"

Gaara turns to Tsunade. "Can you take a look at Rock Lee's injuries? I bitterly regret hurting him."

"Alright," says Tsunade. How much damage could this kid do, anyway?

"Well, then come along to the Cripples' Club," says Nagato. "Maybe you could have a look at Itachi's eyes as well."

"And Nagato's legs," says Konan, who has remained a silent, intimidating presence until now.

"Fine," says Tsunade, somewhat sarcastically. "I'll just see if can heal the entire Cripples' Club."

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Holiday in The Rain.**

 _We passed the 10 review mark, yay!_

The Village Hidden in the Rain is, well, _rainy._ Naruto stares around at the grey buildings and frightened people. Karin pushes Nagato's wheelchair and Konon uses her paper ninjutsu to form an umbrella over herself, Nagato, Karin, Pervy Sage and Naruto. Naruto looks around and sees people watching them cautiously.

Naruto wakes at someone he catches staring at him. The person gasps and ducks out of sight. Sad, Naruto turns to Nagato and asks, "Why are they all so scared?"

"They have heard to rumors about the Orange Terror," replies Nagato.

"Am I that famous already?" asks Naruto, surprised.

"You're more infamous than famous," says Konan.

The group heads to the tower in the center of the Village. "This is the Akatsuki Main Base," says Nagato. "We have other bases, but this is our main one."

"Sweet!" says Naruto. "Can I rig it with pranks?"

"No, Naruto. That's a terrible idea!" says Pervy Sage.

"I'm fine with it," says Nagato. "Got to keep my minions on their toes!"

"SWEET!" Naruto runs into the tower to set up some pranks.


	8. No More Cripple Club

The Club for Crippled Shinobi so far has a scant five members. Nagato, the leader (in a wheelchair); Sasori, the first member (he has no body); Rock Lee, the youngest member (had two of his limbs crushed); Hayate, the most normal member (has an old chest injury that makes him cough a lot); and Itachi, the newest member (going blind).

"I thought there would be more members," remarks Tsunade.

"We're still recruiting people," says Nagato.

"What do you mean 'we'," says Sasori.

"Well, you and me," says Nagato.

"No, it's just you," says Sasori. "I'm only here because you ordered me to be."

"I recruited Itachi!" pipes up Lee.

"Well then 'we' is Lee and myself," amends Nagato.

"So why are you here, Hokage sama?" asks Hayate.

"I am here at the request of young Gaara here," Tsunade says, gesturing to the boy, only to find he is hiding behind her. "He specifically asked me to help Rock Lee."

"What, really?" Hayate asks, and starts coughing.

"Yes, really," says Tsunade, wondering at the reaction. "He said he - and I quote - 'Bitterly regrets hurting him'."

Hayate and Lee stare at Gaara, who is blushing and looking down at the floor.

"Really?" asks Lee. "Is that true?"

"Yes," says Gaara. "I did not know how to recognize my own feelings, so I just killed people who made me feel emotions I didn't recognize. That is why I tried so hard to kill you: I did not know what I felt towards you. But now that I have learned more about emotions and feelings, I know that I have nothing for you but respect." Then Gaara bows to Lee. "I know this is too much to ask, but will you forgive me for what I have done to you?"

The only sound for a short while is Hayate's coughing. _He really needs to get that looked at,_ Tsunade thinks. _Oh, right. That's why_ I'm _here._

Then Lee smiles and says, "You do not need to bow to me. We are friends, are we not, Gaara?"

Rather than straighten up Gaara sinks to his knees and cries.

Tsunade awkwardly pats him on the head. To her surprise, Gaara simply cries harder.

Then Temari and Kankuro appear. Temari hugs Gaara tight and Kankuro tugs the strap holding the oddly shaped bundle on his back. "Who made our baby brother cry?" demands Temari. "You shouldn't run off like that without telling us," she adds quietly to Gaara.

"Who made Gaara cry?" demands Kankuro.

"It was Lee," says Tsunade. "He told Gaara he considers them friends."

Kankuro lets go of the strap holding the bundle on his back. "What, seriously?" Kankuro turns to stare at Lee. "You don't hold any grudges?"

"No, why should I?" asks Lee. "We fought on even terms, Gaara won - but I got injured. Why would I hold a grudge?"

Gaara has finally brought his sobbing under control. "I am glad that you do not hate me," he says. "But I do not deserve your friendship."

Lee shrugs. "You asked Tsunade to help me, and you apologized. So now we are friends!"

Gaara smiles, and it is a beautiful thing.

"Great,' says Tsunade. "So now can we get on with the medical examinations?"

"Medical examinations?" Coughs Hayate.

"Yes, I will be disbanding the Crippled Shinobi Club by healing as many of its members as possible."

"So can I leave now?" asks Sasori. "You can't heal me: I'm entirely made of wood."

"Sure, go ahead."

Naruto and Sakura wait outside while Ebisu, accompanied by Konohamaru, and Mei, accompanied by a girl from the mist, conduct the marriage interview.

"So, do you know Ebisu?" asks Sakura.

"He's a closet pervert." Naruto shrugs. "I kind of feel sorry for Mei, having to spend time with him. But if he's the one for her, then that's good, I suppose."

They wait in relative silence for a while. Then: "EBISU SENSEI! STOP BEING SUCH A PERVERT!" Konohamaru's voice trumpets from in the room.

"I AM NOT A PERVERT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT!" Ebisu's voice floats back.

"YOU FALL FOR THE SEXY JUTSU!"

"SO DOES IRUKA!"

"IRUKA SENSEI DOESN'T DENY BEING A PERVERT!"

The doors crash open and Ebisu storms out, followed by a seething Konohamaru. "This will never work," says Ebisu, adjusting his glasses.

Mei follows close behind. "I'm afraid he is right," she sighs. "We are not meant to be."

Konohamaru leaves with Ebisu.

Mei sits down in front of Naruto. "So when's the next interview?" she seems a bit down.

"As soon as you want," says Sakura. "Just give the word and we'll send Kakashi sensei and Sasuke to fetch the next candidate." she smiles encouragingly at the Mizukage. "The right man for you is out there: we just need to find him!"

"Then let's do the next interview now!" Mei says, fired up.

"Right!" Naruto nods enthusiastically.

"Kakashi sensei, Sasuke!" calls Sakura.

"Yes!" the pair appear.

"Find this man and bring him here!" she holds up a file of a young man.

"Right away!" they take the file and shunshin away.


	9. Poor Tsunade

Tsunade prepares to give all the members of Nagato's Cripples' Club a check up. First up is Lee. She calls him into her new patient consultation room. Might Guy has appeared at some point and he accompanies Lee. Tsunade conducts her examination and, with a heavy heart gives the verdict. "I could operate, but if I do, there is a 50% chance that Lee will die," she tells Guy. then to Lee she says, "If you still wish to have the operation, give me your answer in a day or two. I don't want you to rush into such an important decision."

Down hearted, Lee and Guy leave the room.

Hoping for better results for her next patient, she calls in Hayate. He comes in sits down, calmly lets her examine his chest.

Tsunade is relieved to find that healing Hayate will be relatively straightforward. Just a few special treatments and an operation, which she schedules with him then and there.

Nagato is next. His legs will be difficult to heal, but Tsunade can do it. She schedules a series of small operations to repair the damage to his legs, and discusses the need for him to get a physiotherapist.

After Nagato leaves, Itachi enters.

"So you are going blind, correct?" Tsunade asks.

"Yes." Itachi doesn't appear to be giving any more information, he just shrugs.

"Why are you going blind?" Tsunade asks.

Itachi looks at her in surprise. "I just told you."

"No you didn't, you shrugged."

Itachi sighs. "What the shrug ment is 'I overused my Mangekyo Sharingan and it is destroying my eyesight'."

"You can't communicate in shrugs!"

"I do it all the time," says Itachi, looking very surprised.

"Tell, me: is there a way for you to get your eyesight back, or will it fail whether I try to save it or not?"

"There is only one way to heal eyesight damaged by the Mangekyo Sharingan, but I do not think you will agree on moral grounds," says Itachi.

"Explain."

"Awakening the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan will heal damage done to the eyes by the Mangekyo Sharingan," explains Itachi. "Madara Uchiha is said to have awoken the Mangekyo by taking his dead brother's eyes and transplanting them into his own eye sockets."

"So for you to awaken Mangekyou, you would need to transplant Sasuke's eyes in place of yours?"

"Yes, but it only works if both the people whose eyes are involved have awakened the Mangekyou."

"So, then taking Sasuke's eyes will be useless until he awakes the Mangekyou."

"Sasuke has already awakened the Mangekyou."

Tsunade almost gets up and starts banging her head against a wall. Almost. She has to take several deep breaths to calm herself though. Now she understands why Uncle Tobirama hated Uchihas. They are frustrating. Calmly, oh so very calmly, she says, "Then why the hell don't you just swap your eyes over?"

Itachi looks flabbergasted. "What?"

"You need Eternal Mangekyou to heal your eyes. Chances are Sasuke will soon be in the same situation," she explains, so very, very patiently. "You need his eyes, he needs yours. SO SWAP!" She finally gives in and shouts, punctuating her point by hitting Itachi over the head.

"Ow," Itachi rubs his head, looking a bit sheepish.

"Get your brother and bring him here," says Tsunade. "I will perform the operation straight away."

"Yes, Lady Hokage," says Itachi, and leaves to find his brother.

Tsunade also leaves, but she is going to prepare the operating theatre and a room for the boys to recover in. Might as well put them in the same room.

"Lady Tsunade?" Shizune says, approaching the Hokage.

"What is it?" Tsunade demands.

"Sakura Haruno wishes to speak with you."

"Bring her here."

Shizune brings Sakura to Tsunade and leaves to finish the preparations for the operation on the Uchiha brothers.

"What do you want?" Tsunade demands of Sakura.

"I would like to make a request," says Sakura, sounding as if she is trying not to sound nervous.

"Make it."

"I wish to be your apprentice!"

Tsunade takes a moment to consider this, rather than flat out refusing as she would have formerly. "What makes you think you are worthy?" she demands.

"I never said I think I'm worthy," says Sakura. "In fact, I'm probably not. I only really know two things: firstly, to be the best you must learn from the best; and secondly, I want to be the best and you are the best! So I wish to learn from you."

"Is that so?" Tsunade says skeptically. The girl has courage, she has to admit. But still…

"If you need to test me first," Sakura says. "I will happily complete any test you give me to earn the right to be your apprentice."

"Good." says Tsunade. Maybe she will give this girl a chance. "Then I want you to complete the first stage of medical ninjutsu training. If you cannot do it, then you have no talent for medical ninjutsu, and I cannot take you as my apprentice. If you can do it, then I will consider making you my apprentice."

"Thank you, Lady Tsunade," says Sakura, bowing.

"Come and see me in three hours," says Tsunade. "At the moment I have an operation to perform on those silly Uchiha boys."

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Damn Straight.**

 _To the Guest who thought Hiruzen changed the plot of_ Brave Heart. _He did not; he just found a random Scottish town. But for guessing correctly that Hiruzen is in Scotland, this omake is dedicated to you._

"Iruka sensei," says Sasuke. "Sakura and I have been called for a mission. It shouldn't take longer than the afternoon, but could you watch Sarada for us, please?"

"Sure," says Iruka smiling. "But bear in mind I'm leaving tomorrow, so don't be late collecting her.."

"Of course," says Sasuke. "Be good, Sarada." he gives his daughter a hug and shunshins away.

Six year old Sarada stares up at Iruka. "What are we gonna do now?" asks Sarada.

"Well," says Iruka. "If you like, I can teach you something I learned from your Dad's Mum, back when I was her apprentice."

Sarada grins. "Really?!"

"Damn Straight."

"So what are you going to teach me?" asks Sarada, almost bouncing in excitement.

"I am going to teach you," says Iruka. "The proper application of the phrase 'Damn Straight'!"

"Damn straight?" Sarada screws her face up in confusion.

"No, no, no," says Iruka. "That is not how you say it. You have to say it with conviction. Like this: Damn Straight."

"Damn Straight!" says Sarada.

"That's better. Now add some sass."

"Daamn Straight!"

"Not quite. It's more like: _damn straight._ "

" _Damn Straight._ "

"Right, now try it in a conversation…"

Later that afternoon, Sasuke arrives to collect Sarada. "Did you have fun with Iruka sensei?" he asks her.

Sarada grins up at her Dad and says, "Damn straight!"


	10. Not the Dango!

Sasuke wakes up in total darkness. He is lying in a hospital bed with his eyes bandaged. He can feel Itachi's chakra beside him. His eyes hurt - actually they are Itachi's eyes. "Itachi?" he says tentatively. "Are you awake?"

"No," mumbles Itachi. "I don't want anymore dango…"

"Well, I guess you're still asleep, then," Sasuke sighs. He pulls himself into a sitting position. How long until he can see again, he wonders. Then he feels Sakura's chakra come hurtling towards him.

"Sasuke!" Sakura says happily. "You're awake! I have something to tell you. Guess what it is?"

"Um…" Sasuke thinks carefully. "You found someone for the Mizukage?" he guesses.

"I wish!" Sakura sounds upset about that particular topic.

"Um…"

"Lady Tsunade made me her apprentice!" Sakura blurts out.

"Oh."

"Sasuke, aren't you happy for me?" Sakura sounds depressed.

"Oh, no, it's not that," Sasuke feels bad for upsetting his team mate, cootie infested though she be. "It's just, Naruto's training with Jiraiya, and now you are apprenticed to Tsunade. I'm the only one who's still stuck with Kakashi."

"Oh." Sakura is silent for a minute. Then she says, "I could ask Tsunade if she knows anyone who would train you. And I suppose I could get Naruto to ask Jiraiya."

Sasuke smiles hopefully. "You really think there's someone out there who can train me to sannin level?"

"Well you could always train with Orochimaru, he is the third sannin after all," Sakura says slyly.

Horror fills Sasuke. "Why would I train with that pedophile?!"

Sakura laughs. "I was joking. But really, do you think that Team Seven could become the next sannin?"

"That would be cool," Sasuke admits. "But wouldn't I need to sign the snake contract?"

Sakura is silent for a moment. "I'll ask about that," she says. "Maybe there is someone in the Leaf who has the snake contract and will arrange for you to sign it."

"Hey, do you wanna see something funny?" Sasuke asks, feeling like a bit of fun.

"Sure, why not?"

"Hey Itachi, are you awake?" asks Sasuke.

"No more dango," Itachi's voice floats back. "I already had 24 sticks."

Sakura bursts out laughing. "He's hugging his pillow," she tells Sasuke.

Sasuke starts laughing too. "But the dango is free!" he says between giggles.

"I ate all the tomatoes! Sorry Sasuke," murmers Itachi.

"Mum's making tomato soup," says Sasuke.

"Mum makes good soup," mutters Itachi. "Fact Of Life."

Sakura is laughing so hard she is chortling. "He's still asleep!" she sniggers.

"Shisui is in the kitchen," says Sasuke, sniggering.

Itachi bolts upright, wide awake in an instant. "Who let Shisui in the kitchen?!"

Sasuke and Sakura laugh harder.

Itachi says in a disapproving voice, "You were making me sleep talk for your amusement, weren't you, Sasuke?"

"You mean this is a normal thing for you?" asks Sakura. It sounds as if she has her laughter mostly under control now.

"Unfortunately," Itachi says. "And it seems Sasuke still likes to childishly take advantage of it for his own amusement, and now apparently yours as well."

"Did I come at a bad time?" asks Kisame's voice from the doorway.

"Nah, we were just making Itachi talk in his sleep," says Sasuke.

"Sasuke!" Itachi protests, sounding embarrassed and a bit annoyed.

"That's fun," says Kisame, laughing. "I've gotten him to say some funny things since I discovered he does it."

"Wait, you do it too?" Itachi sounds panicked.

"Of course," says Kisame. "The funniest things I've gotten you to say are 'The dango are taking over the world!' and 'I want the undies with the puppies on them!'.

"Haha! Itachi's blushing!" Sakura laughs.

After days of marriage interviews, Team Seven and Mei-sama are so discouraged they have actual black clouds floating above their heads.

"We need to narrow the list down," says Sasuke, whose eyes are still bandaged from his operation.

"How about we go through the profiles and eliminate all the ones who have a trait that you definitely don't want in a man," suggests Sakura.

"That seems like a good idea," says Kakashi-sensei. "What is the biggest no-no for you?" he asks Mei-sama.

She thinks about this for a minute or two then says, "It would have to be a bowl cut."

"So we can eliminate Gai," says Kakashi-sensei, removing Gai sensei's profile from the line-up. "What else?"

"Smokers are out of the question."

"That knocks off another five."

"We still have so many," despairs Sakura. "Is there anything else you definitely don't want in a man?"

"Well, I don't want him to be too mentally scared," says Mei thoughtfully.

"That knocks out half of the ones left."

"I would prefer good hygiene."

"That knocks off these ones."

"Oh, and he has to be the sort of guy who will take s### from no one."

"That leaves us with three."

One of the profiles catches Naruto's eye. He picks it up, shaking slightly. "How did I miss this?" he says in wonderment. "This is the perfect one for you, I'm sure of it."

He passes the file to Sakura. "How did we miss this?" she asks. "He is obviously the perfect choice!"

She passes the file onto Kakashi-sensei. "How...how did we not realize sooner?" he passes the file to Mei-sama. "What do you think of this one?"

She stares at the file in wonderment. "He's beautiful."


	11. Ice cream and Peace?

Deidara leads Gaara through the Hidden Stone to the Tsuchikage Tower. Sasori, Temari and Kankuro follow behind. Kankuro is begging Sasori to train him. He is having minimal luck.

"So what is the Tsuchikage like?" asks Gaara.

"Old, grumpy, stubborn," lists off Deidara. "And did I mention old, un?"

"Yes, you did," says Gaara. "He must be pretty old for you to mention it twice."

"Yeah, well, he's so old Sasori would consider him art, un."

"I would not!" Sasori protests from underneath Kankuro's efforts to convince the puppet master to train him.

"Kankuro, Sasori is not a climbing frame," says Gaara. He is starting to understand why his father always looked so frustrated.

"Gaara you're not my Dad!" Kankuro bites back rebelliously.

"I'm the Kazekage, and you're my subordinate."

"He has a point," says Temari, grinning. "Now get off Sasori!" she uses her best angry big-sister you-better-do-as-I-say-right-now voice.

"Yes, Temari," Kankuro climbs off Sasori.

"Well, here we are, un," says Deidara. Leading them into the Tsuchikage tower.

 _Finally,_ Gaara thinks. _There's still only so much I can take before I lose it. I need to keep under control no matter what happens._

 _Just kill everyone!_ Whines Shukaku.

 _Shut up,_ says Gaara. He never noticed before just how whiny Shukaku really is. _Killing people doesn't make them like you. It just makes them dead._

Shukaku goes back to sulking.

Deidara leads the group up the stairs to the Tsuchikage's office. Once they are admitted into the Tsuchikage's office, Gaara realizes what Deidara ment. The Tsuchikage is old. Like, really old. Probably older than Lord Third.

"So they sent a kid as their representative?" demands the Tsuchikage, slapping his hand down on the table. "What disrespect!"

"I am the Kazekage," says Gaara. "My name is Gaara. They sent me because the Leaders of the other villages are performing operations, getting said operations, trying to find a husband, not high enough up the hierarchy and too scared of the Akatsuki respectively."

"That's no excuse for sending a child!" yells the Tsuchikage. Then he pauses. "Wait, did you say you're the Kazekage?"

"Yes," Gaara nods.

"What? Are they making kids into Kages now?"

"Here's a Fun Fact: The Shinobi world's going crazy," says Sasori. Then he asks, "Do you want to get on board?"

"What do you mean, the shinobi world is going crazy?"

"Here's a Fun Fact About The Uchiha Clan," says Sasori, in a strangely theatrical voice. "Madara attacked the other villages to turn them against the Leaf because he was afraid the Senju Clan's stupidity would rub off on the other villages."

"WHAT! You mean Madara acted on his own?" shouts the Tsuchikage.

"Of course he did," says Sasori. "The things you learn in Akatsuki..."

"Even so, why would I ally with you lot?" demands the Tsuchikage. "Craziness aside, every time in the past when one of your villages approached the Stone, you double-crossed us at the first opportunity!"

"Our villages are under different leadership now," says Gaara. "Besides, anyone who double crosses the Stone will answer to Deidara."

The Tsuchikage slams his fist on the table, "I refuse to join this alliance!" he says angrily. "Get out of my office!"

The group files out, Gaara leaving last. As he is closing the door he turns back and says, "Tsuchikage-sama, when did you forsake yourself?"

"GET OUT OF MY VILLAGE!" yells the Tsuchikage angrily pointing at Gaara.

Gaara follows the others, dragging his feet in despair. How are they going to convince the Tsuchikage now?

They make it halfway to the gate before a voice calls out, "Wait!" Gaara turns to see the Tsuchikage floating towards them. "I will consider joining the alliance."

Gaara stares at the Tsuchikage, smiling hopefully. "Really?"

"Yes, really," says the Tsuchikage.

"What made you change your mind?" asks Sasori.

"This boy reminded me of something important," says the Tsuchikage, pointing at Gaara. "So I will consider this alliance. But I'm only considering it at the moment!" he insists.

"Thank you," says Gaara bowing. As he straightens up, something catches his eye. "What is that?" he asks, pointing to the stall that caught his interest.

"That's an ice cream stall, un," says Deidara.

"Ice cream?" asks Kankuro, curious. "I've only tried ice cream once."

"What's ice cream?" asks Gaara.

"You...you don't know?" the Tsuchikage looks horrified.

"Well, he was raised in a desert," says Deidara. "But still, how do you not know?"

"I need to fix this," says the Tsuchikage, determinedly.

Less than five minutes later, Gaara is sitting on a park bench beside the Tsuchikage. Both of them are eating ice cream in a cone. Gaara has never tasted anything so wonderful.

"Lee," says Gai-sensei, approaching Rock Lee, who is sitting on the roof of the Academy. "Have you decided whether or not to have the operation?"

Lee looks up at his sensei, feeling awful. "What if I die? I do not want to have the operation after Gaara asked Tsunade to heal me and then die! Then my death would be on Gaara's conscience too!"

Gai-sensei put his hand on Lee's shoulder. "It is your choice whether or not you have the operation. But if you do and you die, I will make sure Gaara knows your death is not his fault. And I will die right alongside you."

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

A brilliant sunset appears behind teacher and student as they hug and weep.

"I will get the operation!" Lee declares. "And I will LIVE!"


	12. Love is in the Air

"LADY TSUNADE!" Team Seven crashes into the Hokage's office where Shizune is making Tsunade sign some paperwork.

"What do you brats want?" Tsunade asks, glad for the chance to shirk her paperwork.

"We narrowed down the list of candidates for the Mizukage to one person!" says Sakura. "But we need your help to get him to co operate!"

Kakashi holds up the profile they have chosen. "This is the one."

"Ah, I see why you need my help," Tsunade says, standing up. "Take me to him."

Team Seven lead Tsunade through the village, sneaking along and occasionally stopping to pick up Sasuke. His eyes are still bandaged from the operation and, because he cannot see, he keeps tripping over. Finally, Tsunade says, "Just lead him!"

"Yes, Lady Tsunade," says Sakura, taking Sasuke's hand. Or at least she tries to. Sasuke refuses to take her hand, even going so far as to hide behind Kakashi.

"It's alright, Sakura," says Kakashi, sounding amused. "I'll lead Sasuke." To Tsunade he whispers, "Sasuke still believes in cooties."

Tsunade sniggers. It appears the kids didn't hear what Kakashi said, so they continue on their way, with Kakashi leading Sasuke along.

"There he is!" Naruto points to their target. The five of them creep up on the target, slowly, slowly - careful not to let him notice…

"I know you're all there," says Iruka Umino, who is stuffing his face with Ichiraku Ramen. "What do you want?"

"Iruka-ni," says Naruto, sidling up to Iruka. "It's your turn to have a marriage interview with the Mizukage."

"No!" Refuses Iruka. "I will not be a part of this foolishness."

"But it's for peace!"

"Not happening." Iruka continues to eat Ramen at an alarming rate.

"You've got no choice, kid," says Tsunade, striding up to Iruka. She grabs him by the collar and drags him off to the Uchiha compound, where the marriage interviews are being held.

"No! I refuse!" Iruka protests, trying to prank Tsunade.

She brushes off all his pranks as if they are crumbs. "Shut it."

"I don't want to!"

Ignoring Iruka's protests, Tsunade forces him into a formal yukata and drags him into the meeting room, where Mei is already waiting in her blue kimono.

As Tsunade deposits the struggling Iruka onto the cushion across from Mei's, the chunin goes strangely silent. "On second thoughts," says Iruka, staring at Mei. "This might not be so bad after all."

Tsunade leaves, since they don't need her to hold Iruka down anymore.

 _Several minutes later..._

Sakura and Naruto stare at eachother in confusion. What is going on here?

"So you've been through _how many_ of these marriage interviews?" asks Iruka-nii in horror.

Mei-sama tells him.

"That's a lot," says Iruka-nii sympathetically. "You must be exhausted."

"The quest for true love is fraught with trials and hardship!" laments Mei-sama, clasping her hands together.

Iruka-nii sighs in sympathy. "Tell me about it. I've been looking for years."

"Psst," Sakura whispers, sneaking over to Naruto. "Let's leave while they're distracted! I don't think there's enough room in here for anyone except them!"

"Right!" agrees Naruto.

They sneak out together and shut the door as quietly as they can.

"How is it going?" asks Sasuke, who is waiting in the next room with Kakashi-sensei.

"A bit too well," says Sakura. "I'm not even sure they noticed us leave."

"Let's listen at the door!" whispers Naruto, conspiratorially. The others agree, and they sneak over to the door and press their ears against it.

Iruka-nii's voice floats back through the door, "I'm sure they think we didn't notice them leave."

"Of course they think we didn't notice," Mei-sama's voice replies sweetly. "But we are ninjas; it's our job to notice these things."

"So what do you say we take advantage of their absence…"

Granny Tsunade appears out of nowhere and slams open the door. "Iruka, are you-" she stops short when she sees Iruka-nii and Mei-sama.

They are kneeling so close together their knees are touching. Their hands are clasped and their noses are pressed together. They appear to be surrounded by pink flowers, shiny bubbles and sparkly love hearts. Mei-sama and Iruka-nii turn to look at Granny Tsunade. "Yes?" they say in perfect sync.

Granny Tsunade grins, a light blush appearing on her cheeks. "I guess I should start planning your wedding?" she asks.

"Damn straight," says Iruka-nii.

"Please, make it as soon as possible," says Mei-sama.

The pair smile at each other and rub noses.

Granny Tsunade turns to leave, then stops and turns. "Iruka are you the one who laced the entire Hokage Tower with purple glitter?"

"No," says Iruka-nii, surprised. "But let me know who the culprit is when you find them. That is a brilliant prank."

Naruto starts laughing. "It was probably Konohamaru and his posse!"

"Good grief!" Sasuke facepalms. "He's just copying our stunt with the confetti that we pulled in Kakashi's apartment."

"Go find them, NOW!" yells Granny Tsunade.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **The Adventures of Hiruzen Sarutobi: Part Two.**

 _Dedicated to the Guest who 'got the feeling she was gonna marry Iruka'; along with the people who guessed correctly since then, namely_ _ **Micky-The-Supernatural-Mouse**_ _,_ _ **Seaweed4brains**_ _and_ _ **Ms Spooky1**_ _._

Hiruzen has been enjoying his holiday so far. The people of the town drink all the time. He has been learning their language, but it is difficult without anyone who knows both languages around. He has discovered that the skirts the men wear are in fact called 'kilts'.

Hiruzen wants one. Unfortunately, communicating this is difficult at best.

"Yes, a _kilt_ ," he says. "I want a _kilt_ , not more _whisky_."

The man who is in charge of showing Hiruzen around the village hands him a jar of _whisky_.

"No," says Hiruzen, pushing the jar away. " _KILT._ "

The man, whose name is Fergus, grins. " _Oh. Kilt._ " he stands and beckons Hiruzen to follow him out of the pub.

Hiruzen gets up and follows him, hoping that this time he got the message across. Fergus takes him to a lady whom, Hiruzen has guessed, is Fergus's daughter. (Fergus is about Hiruzen's age.)

Fergus tells his daughter something which involves the word 'kilt' and the young lady nods and starts measuring Hiruzen. Then she shoos them out and sets to work.

A few days later, Hiruzen is dressed like everyone else in the village. Loose shirt, closed shoes and, most importantly of all, he has a _kilt_.

Fergus gives Hiruzen a thumbs up. " _You look every inch a Scotsman_ ," he says. A _Scotsman_ , Hiruzen has learned, is a man from the country he has wound up in. The country itself is called 'Scotland'. The soldiers he fought on his first day there are called 'Englishmen'. No _Scotsman_ likes the _Englishmen_. Why that is, Hiruzen is yet to learn.


	13. And to Think This is Normal

Gaara and his siblings make it back to the Leaf Village with Sasori, Deidara, the Tsuchikage and his posse. They make their way to the Hokage Tower where the chunins and jounins responsible for doing the Hokage's paperwork are running around like headless chickens. There are several teams of genin rushing around trying to clean up what looks like 20 kilograms of purple glitter.

"What happened here?" asks Temari of a passing chunin.

"We finally found a man for the Mizukage, and she wants to get married tomorrow!" the flustered chunin replies.

"Well that was fast," says Temari, skeptically.

"Well, we found him a couple of days ago," says the chunin.

"So is no one concerned about the glitter?!" demands the Tsuchikage.

The Leaf and Sand Villagers and the two Akatsuki members exchange looks.

"Nope."

"Not really."

"Nah, this is usual for the Leaf."

"See? This is why Madara was concerned about the Senju stupidity being contagious," adds Sasori.

"Ah, now I understand," says the Tsuchikage.

The group weaves its way upstairs, and into the Hokage's office. Tsunade is drinking a bottle of sake and signing the stack of paperwork Shizune probably did for her. It reminds Gaara of a conveyor belt.

"Ah, you're back," slurs Tsunade. "Didjuu geet tha tsuchikage?"

"I'm right here, Princess Tsunade!" shouts the Tsuchikage, slamming his hand down on the Hokage's desk.

"Whaa?" she looks up. "Oh, you are here," she says waving her half full bottle at the Tsuchikage. "Areya gonna sign tha treety?"

"Yes, why do you think I'm here, damn it!"

"Oh, good. Then you 'ave to be at the Mizukage's wedding. Is tomorrow."

Temari face palms.

"Oh, by the way, Gaara," says Shizune cheerfully. "Rock Lee had his surgery while you were gone. The surgery was successful, he is recovering in the hospital-"

Gaara doesn't hear anymore because he is already halfway to the hospital. When he arrives, he heads straight to Lee's room. Might Gai and Lee's team mates are there, chatting to Lee who is lying propped up on several pillows. They all turn to look at Gaara.

"Hello, Gaara!" says Lee. "As you can see, I am on the mend! I will be fine very soon." His face falls. "Although I will not be able to go to the Mizukage's wedding."

"Are you coming in," says Might Gai. "Or are you going to stand in the doorway staring?"

Slowly Gaara walks into the room.

Sasuke and Itachi report to the Fifth's consultation room to have their eyes checked and their bandages formally removed.

"I'm looking forward to finally being able to see properly again," says Itachi.

"Even after so short a time of not being able to see, I feel your pain, nii-san," says Sasuke.

The Fifth enters the room, sounding very drunk.

Sasuke is getting to know the sound of a drunk Tsunade very well. Soon he will also know what it looks like.

As Tsunade removes their bandages, she runs through a few rules. "Don't use your sharingan for a few days. Make sure you use the eye drops I prescribed you," she says, slurring her words terribly. It's a good thing both brothers can speak Drunk Tsunade. Pity she can't speak Uchiha. Saying everything in full sentences takes so long.

"Yes, Lady Tsunade," says Itachi.

"Yes, Fifth," says Sasuke, as his bandages are removed. He blinks as his vision clears up. It is blurry at first, but then it gets clear, surprisingly clear. He can see better than ever. Or maybe it's just that he has had no vision for so long that the world seems clearer for it.

He turns to see Itachi blinking as his own bandages are removed. Itachi shakes his head, screws up his eyes, blinks some more, then says, "My vision is still pretty blurry."

"How is yours, Sasuke?" asks the Fifth.

"It's great," says Sasuke.

The Fifth frowns and uses her medical ninjutsu to examine Itachi's eyes. "Your vision is exactly how is should be," she says. "That is, all the damage from the Mangekyou is healed. You need glasses, Itachi."

Sasuke starts laughing.

"What is so funny?" demands Itachi.

"You, Mr. Perfect Eyes, needs glasses!" Sasuke gwaffs.

"Let's get you to the optometrist," says Tsunade, dragging Itachi out of the room and down to the optometrist's office.

Sasuke follows, trying not to giggle. Giggling is not befitting of an Uchiha. But he cannot help himself. He giggles as Itachi's eyes are examined, he giggles as Itachi tries on different frames, he giggles as Itachi chooses his glasses case, but he giggles most of all when Itachi requests that they put the Akatsuki symbol on his glasses frames.


	14. S-Rank Criminals Don't Wear Glasses

The day of the Mizukage and Iruka's wedding dawns bright and clear. There is a buzz of excitement running through the Hidden Leaf. Itachi is not sure if the people are excited for the alliance or the fact they are finally getting rid of Iruka.

It doesn't really bother Itachi either way, since he will still be living in the Rain at Akatsuki headquarters. Now, where was he supposed to be going to get his new glasses? It would be so much easier to find the place if he could see. Oh, right. That's the point of the glasses.

Well, it's a good thing he brought Sasuke. "No, nii-san, it's this way," says Sasuke, pulling Itachi to one side. "That's a cupboard." then he mutters, "You must need pretty strong glasses."

"I heard that," remarks Itachi.

"You were meant to."

Itachi is not amused. He ignores his brother in favour of getting his glasses fitted properly. When he is done and the glasses are paid for (not out of the Akatsuki's treasury), he sets off with his brother and what is left of his dignity to attend the wedding.

Sasuke seems to have calmed down, which is good. When they arrive, Sasuke makes a beeline for his team. Then he drags them back over to Itachi so they can marvel at how nice his glasses look. (At least they aren't laughing at him.)

Various members of Akatsuki float over to marvel at Itachi's glasses too.

"About time!" say Hidan, poking at the glasses.

"That better have come out of your money," says Kakazu.

"Aw, look, they have our symbol on the side!" crows Nagato.

"So can I call you four-eyes now, un?' asks Deidara, grinning.

"Only if I can call you girly," counter Itachi. "Now that I can see just how girly you look."

"Ooh, burn," says Naruto.

"Well the Uchiha clan is known for it's fire techniques," remarks Sasuke.

"Fun Fact About Madara Uchiha," says Sasori in a theatrical voice. "Madara hated the Hyuuga clan because their puns and punch lines were better than his."

Naruto starts laughing.

"Oi, Naruto, aren't you supposed to be with Iruka sensei?" asks Sakura, frowning.

"Oh, right," grins Naruto. "I just wanted to see Itachi's glasses." He runs off, holding up his yukata.

Itachi ignores the amused glances people send him throughout the ceremony (no one's ever seen an Uchiha with glasses before). Everything goes off without a hitch (or with a hitch if you are thinking of the term 'getting hitched' - Madara would be ashamed of that pun). But then, if your security detail is the Akatsuki, no one's going to contemplate trying anything funny.

Itachi is sad that his mother did not get to see her apprentice's wedding day. But at the same time, he is glad his father is not there because he did not overly appreciate cheesy and cute things. Iruka and Mei are being so cheesy and cute they would put puppies and cheese factories out of business. Soon Iruka and the Mizukage are married. (There was a bit of a struggle over whether or not Iruka or Mei would by taking the other's last name. Mei won when she said "political marriage or not, I want to do this the traditional way'" to which Iruka was all like "what she said". So Mei Terumi became Mei Umino.)

After the ceremony, the village leaders are called to sign the peace treaty. ("I want an uninterrupted honeymoon!" says Mei. "If we don't sign it now, you'll all come bugging me tomorrow, and then I'll get mad and drown you all, which would be very counter-productive.") The Akatsuki bear witness (or in Nagato's case make his Paths of Pein stand imposingly behind the leaders who are still a bit reluctant to sign) during the process. Itachi is happy when the whole thing is over.

Mostly because there are less people around to stare at the bespectacled Uchiha. ("Look mummy! The Akatsuki man has glasses!" says one little girl pointing. "I thought ninjas didn't wear glasses! He's silly." "Shh, don't be rude!" hisses the mother.)

"Pay no attention to them," says Karin, sidling up to Itachi. "Plenty of ninjas wear glasses."

"Um…" Itachi turns to see Hinata Hyuuga, blushing and looking at the ground. "I think your glasses look nice, I-Itachi-san."

Naruto bounds up, all bubbling over with smiles and excitement. He stops when he sees Hinata. "Hey Hinata!" he says, grinning widely - well, wider. "Has Neji been nice to you lately?"

"Um," Hinata blushes violently. It is obvious to Itachi that she has a crush on the boy. "Well, y-yes. H-he's been very n-nice."

"That's good!" says Naruto. "It means I got through to him. If he's mean to you ever again, tell me and I'll beat him up some more!" Itachi wonders if Naruto likes Hinata and doesn't realize it.

Hinata's teammates appear. "Hi Naruto!" yells the one wearing a puppy as a hat. Kiba, or something.

"Hello, Naruto," says the Aburame. Shino, Itachi remembers.

"Hey guys," says Naruto. His attention is still focused on Hinata though. "Hey, Hinata, do you eat ramen?"

Kiba starts laughing. "What a stupid question!"

"Why is Kiba laughing?" says Shino, adjusting his sun glasses. "It is because the last time we went to Ichiraku's with Hinata, she ate 25 bowls."

Naruto stares at Hinata in awe. "That's more then I eat in a whole day!"

"W-well, um, only one or two bowls isn't enough to fill me up!" squeaks out Hinata. Itachi wonders if it is possible for the girl to turn any redder.

"Woah, that's impressive!" says Naruto, looking awestruck.

Hinata goes even redder.

"Do you wanna go on a date with me right now to get some ramen?" blurts out Naruto.

"Y-y-y w-w-wa -m-m-me t-t-to-" Hinata faints.

Naruto leaps forward and catches her as easily as if they were dancing and she had leaned backwards for a dip or something (Itachi doesn't know much about dancing, even though it was Madara's favourite thing to do. After he left, the Uchiha clan stopped dancing in an effort to stop the rumors they were all clones of Madara.)

"You actually caught her?!" exclaims Kiba.

"Of course," says Naruto. "Don't you ever catch her when she faints?"

"We try," says Kiba glumly.

Hinata wakes up and, seeing that she is in Naruto's arms, goes red again and stutters out, "A-a-am I d-d-dreaming?"

"Nope!" grins Naruto. "Now do you wanna go on a date with me or not?"

"Y-y-yes!" squeaks out Hinata.

"Cool!" Naruto hugs Hinata and drags her off to Ichiraku Ramen.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Where Did you Get THAT?**

 _In celebration of reaching the 40 review mark, here is another snippet of young Iruka._

Iruka faces his opponent with quite a determined expression on his face. He is 16 years old, he has been a genin for five years, and this is his first attempt at the chunin exams. Mikoto sensei wouldn't let him take the exam until he was at jounin level in everything. There is no way he is losing this fight.

Iruka glares at the other genin, "You picked a fight with the wrong ninja."

"You're a pussy Leaf ninja," says the Rain ninja he is facing off against. "You Leaf lot are all a bunch of pansy tree-huggers."

Iruka readies his pranking gear.

The Rain ninja blows it all away with a jounin level Wind Style jutsu.

Damn. DamnDamndamn!

Now what?

The Rain ninja charges at Iruka.

 _Okay,_ thinks Iruka. _Remember your training. Be resourceful use anything and everything as a weapon. I need a weapon. I need a weapon._

Iruka jumps out of his opponent's way, into a tree. There are all sorts of potential weapons in this training ground. But what will have the most impact? What will surprise his opponent so much, he won't have time to react?

Something odd catches Iruka's eye. He grins. That is the weapon he needs.

Iruka jumps down and grabs the weapon, then turns and takes his stance.

His opponent stops short. "What the actual #### are you going to with that?"

"What do you think?" asks Iruka and grins. He charges his opponent, stabbing firmly. His weapon punctures his opponent in the abdomen, but it doesn't kill him.

"You stabbed me!" says the Rain genin. "You stabbed me with a swordfish! Where did you get a swordfish?"


	15. Hinata is Daddy's Princess

Hiashi Hyuuga is (according to a certain dead Uchiha who loved spouting Facts of Life) no good with children. He has never denied it, but from now on, he is going to do his best to change it. Facts of Life can be changed, and he intends to change the Fact Of Life that he is not good with children.

Unfortunately, the parenting guide he ordered anonymously through the mail order catalogue he stole from the mission room didn't say what he should do when his nephew and his younger daughter are arguing over whose hair is prettier.

Hiashi decides to go with his gut and say what he thinks will shut them up, "Be quiet, you two!" he snaps. "Hinata's hair is prettier than both of yours!"

The two turn to stare at him.

"It is not!" says Hanabi.

"You're right," says Neji, nodding. "Hinata's hair is the prettiest."

"I thought this was about OUR hair?!" shouts Hanabi, waving her hands in the air in frustration.

"Oh if it's OUR hair," says Hiashi. "Mine is prettiest, of course."

"NO JUST ME AND NEJI!"

"Neji wins." Then he remembers that the parenting book expressly forbade taking sides in your children's arguments. Well, that sucks.

"You are a biased judge!" yells Hanabi. "Wait, what do you mean Neji wins!?"

Hiashi decides it will be much better to just leave before he does any damage. Well, anymore damage. He shunshins away to his favourite spot - Ichiraku ramen. He could really go for a bowl - well forty seven bowls to be precise - right now. To his surprise, Hinata is there.

With a boy.

Naruto to be precise.

"H-h-hello, F-f-father!" stammers out Hinata.

"Oh, is this old guy your Dad, dattebayo?" asks Naruto cheerfully through a mouthful of ramen.

...Dattebayo?...

Kushina would not be happy she passed on her verbal tic.

Just like she was not happy when she lost their ramen eating contest by 23 bowls. He still has the scars.

"What are you two doing here together?" demands Hiashi. They better not be..

"We're on a date!" announces Naruto.

Yep, they are.

Hiashi turns to Naruto, letting his face show nothing but seriousness. "I did not give you permission to date my daughter."

Naruto yelps and falls of his stool in fright. "I-I-I didn't know you wanted me to ask you first!"

Of course he didn't, realizes Hiashi. He doesn't have much experiance with parents, or adults in general. Well, it's time someone taught him.

"You should always ask a girl's father before you take her out," says Hiashi, standing imposingly over Naruto with his arms crossed. "Bear that in mind for the future."

"Um.." Hinata tries to say something.

Hiashi waits. She will speak eventually. The parenting book told him that girls need their father's approval to be confidant. Maybe if he had know that when she was little, Hinata wouldn't be so scared of her own shadow.

"Um…" Hinata says again. "I…" she presses her fingers together. "Um…" she looks down. "Naruto is...um…" she twists her hands together. "NARUTO IS THE REASON I AM GETTING MORE CONFIDENT!" Hinata blurts out.

Hiashi nods. Yes, he has been noticing that Hinata is more confident. Usually she would've taken half an hour to get out the entire sentence. Perhaps he should allow Naruto a trial run.

Getting right up in Naruto's face, Hiashi says, "If you hurt my daughter I will Eight Trigrams 64 Palms you into the center of the earth!"

"Yes sir! I will treat Hinata like a princess sir!" says Naruto, shaking in fear.

"Hinata _is_ a princess." says Hiashi calmly. "And from now on, every time you go on a date with Hinata, you are to take either myself or Neji with you as chaperone."

"Sir, yes sir!"

Kurama, the mighty Nine Tailed Fox, is glad that he was sealed into Naruto. Strange as that sounds, he really is glad about it. Ever since the affair with the ANBU, the Secret Archive and Danzo, every day has been a comedy show.

Only Naruto would go on a date with the girls whose father seemingly doesn't like her much, only to find he is actually a protective father. The sort of father one could refer to as a 'Kunai Dad'.

Naruto is unhappy. Naruto is scared. Naruto's girlfriend is blushing and fidgeting. Hiashi Hyuuga looks like he's enjoying himself more than he did that time he beat Minato's ramen eating record by a solid 30 bowls.

These are some of the reasons that Kurama is laughing harder than he has ever laughed before.

In fact Kurama cannot remember ever laughing so genuinely.

He wonders if he has ever been this amused before in his life. Still, it is kind of ironic that Kushina's son would act just like her and then go get a girlfriend just like Minato. After all, aren't boys supposed to look for someone like their Mum, not their Dad?

 _Stop laughing at me!_ Naruto snaps. _This isn't funny, Kurama!_

Yes, Kurama is glad that he is sealed into Naruto.


	16. That is Not How You Should React!

"So kid, I hear you want to become a snake summoner," says Anko, draping herself over Sasuke's shoulders.

A shudder runs through Sasuke. "Pedophile lady!" he shouts, screwing up his eyes and curling up in the fetal position.

"Stupid kid!" Anko hits Sasuke over the head. "I am not a pedophile! And if I was: that would be no way to react!" she crosses her arms and glares down at Sasuke. "Seriously, what has Kakashi been teaching you?" She pulls Sasuke to his feet and dusts him off. "Look kid, if you want to be the next Snake Sage, then I'm going to have to take you to the home of the snake summons: Ryuchi Cave."

"Ryuchi Cave?" Sasuke is interested. "Where's that?"

"I dunno," says Anko. "But I suppose I could summon a snake to guide us there."

"Um…" Sasuke doesn't remember agreeing to go with Anko.

"And if you're wondering who decided this," says Anko. "It was your teammates. They felt bad that they managed to get rid of Kakashi, and you didn't."

"Hn," says Sasuke. By which he means, 'oh. They could've told me first.'

Anko laughs. "Good point, kid."

"Hn."

"Tomorrow."

"Hn."

"Alright, I suppose we can leave this afternoon."

"Hn."

"Well, you need time to pack and tell your friends you're leaving."

"Hn."

"Meet you at the gates at Three, then."

"Hn."

"Yes, I know that's in half an hour!"

"Hey Sasuke!" Naruto jumps down in front of Sasuke. "Did Anko talk to you yet?" he asks.

"Hn."

"Oh, right." Naruto scratches the back of his head in embarrassment. "Sorry we didn't forget to tell you, she just got to you first."

"Hn."

"What, you're leaving today?"

"Hn."

"Why aren't you talking in proper words?" demands Naruto, annoyed.

"Hn."

"You actually have a daily quota?! I thought that was just a joke."

"Hn."

"Oh."

They two boys fall silent. Naruto thinks that he can hear crickets chirping.

"Hn," says Sasuke and leaves to go pack for his training trip.

Naruto stares after his team mate. Sasuke is going to train with the snakes? It is time to find Pervy Sage. Naruto shushins off to the hotsprings to find Pervy Sage. Once he has located the giggling pervert, Naruto yells, "Hey Pervy Sage! Stop peeping on the girls and take me to train with the toads!"

A chorus of screaming floats out from the women's area.

Pervy Sage turns on Naruto. "You ruined my peeping! I mean my research!" he scolds.

"Serves you right!" says Naruto. "Sasuke is going to train with the snakes in Ryuchi Cave! I wanna train with the toads! I don't want him to beat me."

"Why are you worried?" demands Pervy Sage. "You can take down Orochimaru in less than ten minutes!"

"I want to be able to use toad jutsus!"

"Fine! I'll take you to the toads!" yells Pervy Sage. "But there's no guarantee they will train you."

"Just take me there!"

"FINE!"

A few minutes later, Naruto and Pervy Sage appear in front of the Great Toad Elder.

"That is one fat toad," says Naruto.

"Be polite, kid!" hisses Pervy Sage.

"Ah, Jiraiya-boy!" says the Giant Fat Toad. "I've been expecting you! I see you brought your apprentice to train with us."

"You were expecting us?" Naruto yells.

At the gates of Konoha, Sasuke and Anko say 'goodbye' to Team Seven (minus Naruto, where is he, anyway?) and Ibiki. Itachi shows up to poke Sasuke's forehead, then leaves again because Anko laughs at his glasses.

Sasuke leaves Konoha with Anko, glad that she is an adult and therefore too old to have cooties.

After saying goodbye to Sasuke (where did Naruto disappear off to anyway?) Sakura goes back to training with Lady Tsunade. Tsunade has promised Sakura that she will teach her apprentice the Hundred Healings Sage Art. Sakura is determined to master it as quickly and as thoroughly as she can. She will not let the boys leave her behind. She will become a chunin at the next chunin exam. It will be in about five and a half months as far as she knows. Sakura can hardly wait.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Neji is Worse.**

 _Dedicated to_ _ **Micky-The-Supernatural-Mouse**_ _for picking up the 'Very Potter Musical Reference I made in Chapter Eleven._

"HINATA!" Naruto calls, waving to his girlfriend. "Are you ready for our date?"

"H-hello, Naruto," says Hinata. "I'm r-ready, but we can't leave without a chaperone."

"Oh, right. Who are we getting today?"

"You're getting me," says Hiashi-sama, striding up to them in full shinobi gear.

"Are you sure you need all that just to chaperone a date?" asks Naruto, frowning.

"What, this?" says Hiashi, gesturing to all the kunai and shuriken hanging from the belt slung around his torso. "You better hope I don't need it." He grins sadistically at Naruto, activating his byakugan.

"NO SIR! YOU WON'T NEED IT SIR!" Naruto says, saluting.

"Good." Hiashi deactivated his byakugan. Then he crosses his arms impatiently. "Well, are you taking my daughter to the movies or not? If you disappoint her, I will be very unhappy with you."

"Yes, sir!" Naruto says. "Come on Hinata. Let's go have some fun!"

Inside Naruto's head, Kurama is laughing at him. _You just had to pick a girl with an over protective father!_

They go to the movies and Naruto buys his and Hinata's tickets. (When Pervy Sage gave him the money the other day, he'd said, "Here, take your girlfriend to the movies. Maybe you'll be able to steal a kiss in the dark.")

Unfortunately, that was not going to be a possibility. Hiashi sat between them. Although, he did buy them snacks, which wasn't so bad. And unlike Neji when Neji chaperones, Hiashi didn't walk between them on the way there.


	17. Sage (No Not the Herb!)

Sasuke spends an entire month training with the snakes in Ryuchi Cave. For some reason though, they do not try to teach him the Snake Sage Arts, saying that the Great White Snake Sage will decree whether or not he he worthy. Finally, Sasuke is called to meet the White Snake Sage.

"S-ssso, you are the Uchiha who wissssssshesss to become a sssssage," hisses the Great White Snake Sage ( _He really needs to get a ssshorter name_ , thinksss Sssasuke, and giggles).

"Yes, I am," says Sasuke, trying not to hiss in his 's'es - living with ssnakes for so long tendsss to make you hiss a bit on reflex. (Anko is an excellent example - she's been hissing like a trouper since they arrived.)

"I have conssidered your requessst to learn the Ssnake Sssage Artss," ssays (damn it, now Sasuke is thinking in hisses!) SAYS the Great White Snake Sage. "And I have ssseen the future." The Snake hisses a bit. "I have forsssseen your fate: you are not to learn the Sssage Artsss from usss. There isss a different kind of power in your future. You mussst go to the Hidden Rain and learn from the man who bearsss the Rinnegan eyesss. He will teach you the Art of the Sssage of the Sssix Pathssss."

"The Sage of the Six Paths?" asks Sasuke.

"Yesss, hiss Rinnegan power iss awakening in your eyess," says the Snake. "You musst train with the Rinnegan bearer to bring it out."

"Hn," agrees Sasuke, nodding.

"Good," says the Snake. "Now you musst take the sssnake girl and go back to your village."

Naruto has been training with the toads for a month when a letter arrives from Iruka-nii. He immediately stops training to read it, much to the frustration of Pervy Sage and Gramps Toad.

"Naruto-chan, get back to your training!" Gramps Toad yells at him.

"But it's a letter from my brother!" protests Naruto, unfolding the paper. "He got married like, the day before I came here!"

"Let the brat read his letter," says Pervy Sage. "He won't train until he knows what Iruka has to say."

Naruto reads his letter, glad that Iruka-nii remembered to write in only hiragana (Naruto is not very good with Kanji). He grins as he reads the letter. Then he looks up at Pervy Sage. "Guess what?"

"I dunno, what?" Pervy Sage sounds tired.

"Iruka-nii and Mei-sama are having a baby."

"ALREADY!?"

"It's a honeymoon baby, I guess," shrugs Naruto, then he grins. "I'm gonna be an Uncle!"

"So can we get back to training now?" demands Gramps Toad.

"Fine," Naruto puts his letter in a safe place and goes back to learning the Sage Arts.

Jugo sneaks into Kimimaro's room while Kabuto isn't watching and creeps softly up to his friend. "Kimimaro?" he says. "Are you awake?"

"Good, you came," Kimimaro says, his voice barely above a whisper. "I need you to do something after I am gone."

"What is it?" asks Jugo, leaning over his dying friend.

"You need to leave the Sound and go find a place where you will belong," says Kimimaro. "You cannot hide yourself from the world anymore."

"But without you to control my rages...!"

"Then you must find someone to teach you how to control yourself!" says Kimimaro. "As your friend, I do not want you to be alone forever. I do not want you to hide yourself away from the world! Find a teacher to help you learn to control your rages. Promise me you will do this, Jugo."

"I will," promises Jugo.

"Good." Kimimaro falls silent, and still.

"Kimimaro?" Jugo pulls back the cloth covering his friends face. Kimimaro is dead. Jugo steps back, and hearing someone approaching, he sneaks from the room and hides around the corner.

"...last member of the Kaguya clan." Kabuto is speaking to someone. "Unfortunately, he probably died while I was gone."

"Interesting," says a voice Jugo doesn't recognize. "But what has this to do with our plans?"

"Danzo-sama, Kimimaro would be the perfect person to reanimate were we to need an army," Kabuto replies.

"Ah, I see," replies the other voice - Danzo. "If things come to a head between Team Tsuki no Me and the Akatsuki, we are going to need a formidable force to send against them."

"Correct. Orochimaru-sama and I have already started to gather candidates for reanimation."

Jugo gulps. Danzo, Orochimaru and Team Tsuki no Me have joined forces? Jugo wonders what he should do. Neither of those three seem like good people to try and apprentice himself to - what is he thinking? He can't stay here in the Sound! Kimimaro told him to leave. He promised to leave!

Juugo slips out of the hideout. No one pays him any mind because he often takes a walk in the forest. Except this time, Jugo doesn't return. He walks on and on, getting tired. Finally, he sits down under a tree and closes his eyes. Soon he falls asleep. Let those who would try to wake him beware.

Jugo wakes up to some lady poking him in the arm. "Kid! Kid! You alive?"

Angry, Jugo turns on her. "Let me sleep in peace!" he shouts, feeling the Rage Mode take him over. He takes a swing at the lady with his claws, roaring.

Then he sees a boy about his age walking slowly towards him. The boy's eyes are red and black. They are spinning.

"Calm down," the boy says. "Do not kill Anko."

Jugo feels his Rage ebb away. He sinks to the ground and sighs. "Thank you," he says. "I cannot control myself sometimes."

"Well you should find someone to teach you control," says the boy.

Jugo is instantly reminded of his promise to Kimimaro. He stand up and says, "Will you let me stay with you until I find someone to train me?"

"Um, why?" asks the boy.

"No! Don't keep thissss one! He'sss dangerousss!" the lady protests.

"You can subdue me when I lose control," says Jugo. "I do not want to be a danger to others. Please, take me with you!"

"Alright," nods the boy. "What's your name? I am Sasuke Uchiha and this is Anko Mitarashi."

"I am Jugo." then he thinks of something. "Hey are you part of the alliance following Akatsuki?"

"Hn." says Sasuke. Jugo think he means yes, we are; what of it?

"Well I am from the Sound, but I only joined because I hoped Orochimaru would be able to help me control my rages." Jugo sighs. "Instead he used my DNA to create his Curse Mark Seal."

"Ssso that'ssss where it came from!" Anko shouts, pointing at Jugo.

"Yes," Jugo nods. "But that is not important right now. I have intelligence regarding Danzo and Team Tsuki no Me!"


	18. Mikoto Sensei Would be Proud

The Village Leaders are assembled to hear the report from the boy Sasuke and Anko found. Nagato attends in his wheelchair. He still hasn't healed enough to walk in like a boss. He is looking forward to that day.

Just to be on the intimidating side, he brought the Deva path to ensure the minor villages don't act up. He didn't bring Konan and Karin though, because they are on a Girls Only training trip. Still, he is sure he will have fun since he brought Itachi instead. It turns out Kisame and Suigetsu are holidaying in the Mist - they are doing Ninja Swordsmen Only training. So it is just Nagato, Itachi and Lord Pein at the meeting.

Nagato really needs to stop getting off topic. What was he doing, anyway? Ah yes: the meeting.

The boy Sasuke and Anko found looks a year or two older than Sasuke. He has orange hair like Yahiko and matching orange eyes. "My name is Jugo," says the boy. "I come from the Hidden Sound. I overheard a conversation between Kabuto and a man named Danzo."

"So you were right, Itachi," says Nagato. "Danzo did join up with Orochimaru. What did you hear?"

"I shall repeat the entire conversation as much as I can remember," says Jugo. "First I heard Kabuto saying '...last member of the Kaguya clan. Unfortunately, he probably died while I was gone.' then Danzo replied; 'Interesting, but what has this to do with our plans?' Then Kabuto said 'Danzo-sama, Kimimaro would be the perfect person to reanimate were we to need an army.' Then Danzo said 'Ah, I see, if things come to a head between Team Tsuki no Me and the Akatsuki, we are going to need a formidable force to send against them' to which Kabuto replied 'Correct. Orochimaru-sama and I have already started to gather candidates for reanimation.' That is all I heard."

"All you heard?!" snaps Mei. "You overheard several important things!"

"What'sss wrong with her?" whispers Anko to Sasuke. "Ssshe hassn't ssstoped ssnaping at people ssince ssshe arrived."

"Would you stop hissing!" Jugo yells, his skin changing colour.

"Tsukuyomi!" Itachi casts his favourite genjutsu over the unfortunate teenager.

"What do you mean, what's wrong with me!?" Mei is yelling at Anko. "You're the one acting like a snake!"

"On your period or ssssomething?" asks Anko. "You sssseem awfully moody."

"On...my...period…?" Mei suddenly looks horrified. "I hope not!" she looks rather depressed.

"Um…" Anko doesn't know what to make of Mei's behaviour.

Frankly, neither does Nagato. If only Konan were here. She would know what to do. "Um, Mei?" says Nagato tentatively. "Are you okay? You look a bit pale."

"Ahh…" and Mei promptly throws up on the floor of the meeting room.

"Oh for the love of….!" Tsunade storms over to Mei. "Don't tell me that stupid brat got you pregnant already!"

Mei starts crying. "He's not stupid!"

"I think that maybe we should end the meeting and reconvene when Mei-sama is feeling better," suggests Gaara.

"That's a good idea," agrees Onoki. "If it is morning sickness that ails Mei-sama, it should clear up in a few hours."

"Is it morning sickness?" demands Tsunade.

"Yes," admits Mei.

"Oh, wow!" says Temari. "Congratulations."

When the meeting reconvenes, Mei-sama looks a lot better. Itachi wonders just how proud his mother would be that her apprentice knocked up the Mizukage. _What am I thinking!_ He scold himself. _This is a serious meeting. I cannot allow my mind to wander!_

"So about the information that Jugo has brought us," says Nagato-sama. "It seems that the members we kicked out of Akatsuki - namely Tobi and Zetsu - have joined forces with Orochimaru and Danzo."

"What worries me," says Onoki-sama. "Is that they are planning to raise an army of reanimated of shinobi. Are they planning a war?"

"Yes, it seems they plan to go ahead with project Tsuki no Me," says Nagato-sama. "But did they really have to name themselves 'Team Tsuki no Me'?" he sighs. "I do not think we need to worry about them just yet. We have time to plan a counter attack and conduct the next chunin exams before they are finished organizing themselves."

"What makes you so sure we have so much time?" asks Tsunade.

"They cannot do anything without the gedo statue," says Nagato. "We do not need to worry until Tobi reclaims it from me."

"Ah, I see," says Tsunade-sama. "But why do they need the gedo statue? What is the gedo statue, anyway?"

"Did Lord Third not brief you on Project Tsuki no Me?" asks Nagato-sama, sounding surprised.

"No, he gave me the hat and left the Elemental Nations."

"Ah, well in that case, I suppose I had better fill you in. Who else has no idea what Project Tsuki no Me is?"

"I don't know," says Onoki-sama.

"Neither do I," adds Mei-sama.

"Project Tsuki no Me," explains Nagato-sama. "Is the plan Madara Uchiha made to gather all the Tailed Beasts and seal them into the gedo statue, which is actually the husk of the Ten Tails, from which all the Tailed Beasts were made. This will awaken the Ten Tails and then the tree from which all chakra came. A giant flower will open at the top of the tree. The flower will have inside it a giant Sharingan eye, which Tobi plans to reflect off the moon in order to cast the world into a genjutsu called The Infinite Tsuki no Me. This genjutsu will show everyone a perfect world in which all is as they wish it to be. It will be a forced peace: a peace that will last because the people will have no choice. There is no escaping the Infinite Tsuki no Me."

"Well." Tsunade-sama seems a bit surprised. "That seems like an unnecessarily elaborate plan."

"Yes, but it will work unless we find a way to stop it."

"That's easy," says Tsunade. "We'll just set Naruto and Iruka on them. Those two can prank anyone into submission."

Mei-sama starts laughing. "You make it sound like pranking is a superpower! Iruka-kun hasn't done a single prank the whole time he's been in the Mist."

"Is he there without you right now?" asks Itachi.

"Yes, why?"

"You may get back to find a few of your subordinates have funky-coloured hair."

* * *

 **Omake**

 **#IruMeiForLife**

Senseless Doneness _has over 40 followers. Yay!_

"Well, I'm off," says Mei-chan, kissing Iruka soundly. "Keep things running smoothly while I'm gone." She gives a jaunty wave and heads off to the Hidden Leaf for the meeting Tsunade called.

Iruka turns to the ninjas who saw Mei, Chojuro and Ao off. "You heard the Mizukage. I'm in charge."

"Like we'll listen to a foreigner," says one jounin. "And a chunin no less."

Iruka smiles pleasantly. Then pranks the living daylights out of the Mist ninja. "Anyone else have any objections?"

Looking at the now sickly green-haired and thoroughly pranked Mist jounin, one of the Mist kunoichi says (shuddering in horror and scared for her life), "Who are you?!"

Iruka grins. "I'm the Prank King."

 _After the meeting of the Village Leaders..._

Mei walks through the gates of her beloved village, looking forward to seeing what the Prank King got up to in her absence. The main reason she left Iruka in the Mist without her was to test how he and the village would get on. Or more specifically, who would come out on top.

Of course, when it's just her and Iruka, she comes out on top, but that has very little to do with the current situation.

Why are all her ninjas wearing hats? Are they in fashion now?

"Welcome back, Lady Mizukage," says a nervous jounin, who is wearing a hat that completely covers his hair.

"Why are you wearing a hat?" asks Mei.

"No reason," says the ninja, laughing nervously. "I just felt like wearing a hat today!"

Mei is not fooled. "Does it have something to do with Iruka-kun's tendency to turn people's hair funky colours?" she asks.

The ninja droops. "He turned my hair green!" the ninja starts crying. "I can't change it back!"

"You pansy!" scolds Ao. "If you maned up and apologised for whatever it is you did to annoy him, I'm sure he'd turn your hair back to normal!" he crosses his arms and mutters, "In my day kids didn't disrespect their leaders, even if those leaders were younger and had a lower rank…"

"That's enough of that, Ao," says Mei. She heads up to the Kage tower. When she arrives, she sees the oddest thing. Everyone is steering clear of the office cups for some reason. "What's wrong with the cups?" asks Mei.

" _He_ wrote messages on the bottom," says one of her minions.

Mei picks up a cup and looks at the bottom. "Idiot," it reads. She looks at another. "Lazy." She checks more cups. "Xenophobe." "Asshole." "Junky." "Stupid." Mei starts laughing. She really needs to leave her minions to Iruka-kun more often.


	19. Are we Safe?

"Hey, guys!" Sasuke slips into the BBQ booth with the other boys from his graduating class. It appears that Neji and Lee are there too. "I brought Gaara and Kankuro like you asked me to."

"Cool," says Kiba. "Choji's already started, so dig in."

"Who's this guy?" asks Choji through a mouthful of barbecued pork. "And that guy?"

"Oh, um," Sasuke pushes Chojuro forward. "This is Chojuro. He's from the Hidden Mist. He knows Naruto." Sasuke pushes forward Jugo. "and this guy is Jugo. He's even more dangerous than Choji when he's mad."

"It is always good to make new friends!" says Lee. "Come sit here, Gaara. As you can see I am almost completely healed. Lady Tsunade is a miracle worker!"

"So you're named after a type of food, Chojuro?" says Choji. "You can sit next to me."

"So where are you from, Jugo?" asks Shino. "My insects seem to like you an awful lot." He adjusts his sunglasses.

"Recently I have been living in the Hidden Sound," says Jugo. "But the village I came from originally is long destroyed."

"Okay, moving on to more cheerful topics," Kiba says. "Have you heard from Naruto, Sasuke?"

"No, why?" asks Sasuke.

"No one has seen him since the day you left on your training trip," says Neji. "Lady Hinata got a letter from him, but will not tell us anything except that Naruto will be back soon."

"That's odd," says Sasuke.

"Hey why are you speaking in full sentences anyway?" demands Kiba.

Annoyed Sasuke says, "Because Chojuro and Kankuro cannot speak Uchiha. Since I am looking after them while they are in the Leaf, I must speak in a way they can understand." he crosses his arms. "Now move over!"

"Fine, fine," Kiba grumbles, moving over.

Sasuke sits down and snags himself some BBQ before anyone nabs the pieces that are cooked the way he wants them.

"Hey, I was gonna eat those pieces!" yells Kiba. "They were mine!"

"Possession is nine tenths of the law!" counters Sasuke, glad he paid attention to his policeman father. "I have them, so they are mine!"

"We need to order another round or we will run out," remarks Shikamaru.

Sasuke does the decent thing and calls for another round. He does like all-you-can-eat BBQ. Although he does make sure they bring more than just pork.

"So what's the news from the meeting?" asks Shikamaru. "This is all troublesome, but I like to know what's going on."

"Um," Sasuke thinks for a moment. What actually happened in the meeting? It seemed like one big Hullabaloo to him. "Well, Iruka sensei is going to be a Dad."

"That's awesome!" Kiba shouts.

"You mean the Iruka that messed with the preliminaries?" asks Neji.

"Yes, that's the one," says Choji. "I kinda feel sorry for the kid."

"Why?" asks Chojuro. "Iruka san seems like he will be a great Dad."

"He will be," says Shikamaru. "But that's not the issue. Unlike us, you didn't have him as your Academy teacher. He is scarier than my mother when he is mad."

"Well he was my mother's apprentice," points out Sasuke. "And she was known as The Grim Reaper."

"Wait!" Chojuro shouts, standing up. "Wasn't the Grim Reaper's apprentice called the Prank King?"

"Yes, why?"

"Oh, it's nothing," says Chojuro, sitting back down. "I just thought...no, never mind me."

"Are you wondering why the Leaf would willingly give the Prank King to the Mist?" asks Shikamaru.

"Um, yes." Chojuro says nervously.

"The answer is simple: the Leaf is not big enough for the Hokage and The Prank King." Shikamaru points his chopsticks at Chojuro. "It might seem a bit odd but it's the truth."

"Yes," says Neji. "The clan heads threw a party of relief once he left."

"My big sister said that even our Mum isn't scarier than Iruka sensei," adds Kiba. "and that's saying something, since my Mum scared off my Dad."

Chojuro looks horrified. "Is Mizukage-sama safe?"

"Oh yes," says Sasuke. "Iruka sensei may be scary, but he is only _that_ scary when he is protecting the people he cares about. The rest of the time, you wouldn't even know he was anything but your average chunin." Sasuke takes another piece of beef. "Iruka sensei really loves Mei sama, so he will not let any harm come to her." Sasuke shrugs. "He's practically indestructible when he goes into protective mode."

"Indestructible?" asks Chojuro sounding scared.

"Yes," says Sasuke. "None of you know this, but one time Iruka sensei took a fuma shuriken to the spine, pulled it out, threw it back at it's original owner and left. It was another few minutes and a clever transformation before Iruka sensei had to sit down, but then Naruto showed up and kicked the pants off the guy who was trying to kill Iruka sensei and Naruto. And that is the story of how Naruto became a genin and why Mizuki wound up in prison."

"What does that story have to do with Mizuki?" demands Kiba.

"Obviously Mizuki sensei was the one trying to kill Iruka sensei and Naruto," says Shikamaru. "What a drag."

"He took a giant shuriken to the spine?" asks Chojuro nervously.

"That is the man whom Naruto looks up to as a brother?" asks Gaara.

"Yes," says Sasuke. "And the story I just told you is also why they are so close. Iruka sensei gave Naruto his own headband. That's why Naruto's is more beat up than ours - it used to be Iruka sensei's."

"So Iruka-san is the sort of person you can trust, then?" asks Chojuro.

"Yes."

"There you are," says Itachi, striding up to them. He sits down beside Sasuke. "I have a proposition for your friend Jugo."

"Okay, but you're gonna have to use full sentences," says Sasuke. "Jugo hasn't quite mastered speaking Uchiha yet."

"Ah, I see." Itachi snags some BBQ. Then frowns because his glasses fog up. "In that case: Jugo, how would you like to be my apprentice?"

Jugo drops his chopsticks. "But...I…"

"Sasuke explained your Rage problem," says Itachi. "If what he says is true, then your condition can be controlled with the Sharingan. I tested it at the meeting this morning - yes I am the one who put you under the genjutsu - I can control your Rage Mode easily. I think I also have a way for you to learn to control your power."

"You..." Jugo looks gobsmacked.

"My brother is a genius," boasts Sasuke. "If anyone can help you he can."

"So what is your answer?" asks Itachi. "Will you be my apprentice?"

"Yes," says Jugo, tears welling up in his eyes. "I don't ever want to destroy a village in a blind rage again."


	20. MY HUMAN!

Naruto has finally mastered Sage Mode and the Frog Kata fighting style. He even used the Shadow Clone Training that Kakashi-sensei came up with for prank mode training. There seems to be no end to the uses of Shadow Clones.

"Wow, kid, you got that down better than I ever could!" says Pervy Sage.

"Now for the next stage of Sage training," says Gramps Sage. "You see…" he launches into a boring explanation of something or other that goes straight over Naruto's head.

"Um...I have no idea what you just said," says Naruto, screwing up his face.

"Okay, let me explain." says Pervy Sage. "Trying to gather Sage Chakra while moving is like trying to pour Ramen from the pot into your bowl while running a lap around the training grounds." he crosses his arms. "If you try to pour a bowl of ramen while running your lap, you will spill it everywhere. You need to get someone else to pour the ramen for you. Then when you are ready for it, they give you the ramen."

"Oh I get it!" says Naruto, nodding. "I can't gather the nature chakra in battle because I won't be able to balance it properly while moving so much. But who can I get to gather it for me? Who gathers it for you, Pervy Sage?" he asks curiously.

"Ma and I gather the nature chakra for Jiraiya-boy," says Gramps Sage. "We attach ourselves to him and send him the chakra-"

"It's like a straw," clarifies Pervy Sage. "In a glass full of juice. The glass is Fukasaku-san and Shima-san and the juice is chakra. The straw is the link they send their chakra to me through."

"Oh, I get it!" Naruto nods.

"What kind of explanations are those?" demands Gramps Sage. "They make no sense!"

"Don't you know that Uzumakis need things explained to them in food metaphors?" demands Pervy Sage.

Gramps Sage sighs. "Well, Naruto-chan, do you want to try to connect our chakras together?"

"Okay!" says Naruto. He is ready to get this jutsu down!

Unfortunately, Kurama yells, _OH NO YOU DON'T!_

"Ahh!" Naruto screams. "Don't yell at me all of a sudden like that Kurama!"

"Who's Kurama?" asks Gramps Sage.

"The Nine Tailed Fox!" says Naruto. "How the hell does no one know his name? Seriously!"

 _NARUTO!_ shouts Kurama. _Tell that toad that he is not to try and bond himself to you. If you need someone to gather the nature chakra for you, I will do it. You are MY human!_

Naruto giggles. _Aw, you're such a softy! How are so many people scared of you?_

 _Shut up!_ Snaps Kurama.

Sniggering in amusement, Naruto passes on the message from his friend. "Kurama says there is no way he is sharing me with you," he tells Gramps Sage. "He's going to gather the nature chakra for me."

"WHAAA…!" Pervy Sage is horrified for some weird reason. "You can't let the Nine Tails gather nature chakra for you! The seal…"

 _He's right, Naruto. The seal is in the way,_ says Kurama. Naruto tunes out Pervy Sage to listen. _There is special training we must complete in order to work in perfect harmony. Ask the toads if they know someone who can help us._

 _Yes Kurama!_ Naruto turns back to Pervy Sage and Gramps Sage. "Hey Gramps Sage, Pervy Sage: Kurama says there is special training that the two of us have to do to work in sync. He also says that the seal is in the way of us being better friends-"

 _That's not what I said!_

 _It's what you meant!_ To Gramps Sage and Pervy Sage Naruto says. "Kurama wants to know if you know of anyone who can help us with that training."

"I suppose we could ask the Great Toad Elder," says Gramps Sage. And that is exactly what they do.

"I have forseen that you would come," says the giant Toad. "er, who are you?"

Naruto facepalms. "I am Naruto."

"Er, what are you here for?"

"I want to know if you know anyone who can train a jinchuriki."

"Oh, that is right! How could I forget?" the Giant Gramps Sage laughs. "I have foreseen that Nine will seek Eight on the Island of Truth. There the Fox will meet Red and Yellow. That is all I can see." he falls silent. Then he says, "Er, who are you?"

Naruto facepalms again. He is starting to understand why people bang their heads against walls. "What is all that supposed to mean, anyway?" he asks Pervy Sage as they leave Giant Gramps Sage's throne room.

"Don't ask me," says Pervy Sage.

"Okay, I'll ask Kurama!" Naruto turns his attention to Kurama. _Do you know what Giant Gramps Sage was talking about?_

 _Obviously Nine and the Fox refer to us,_ says Kurama. _In which case, Eight must be the Eight Tails Jinchuriki. As to the rest, I suppose we should look up the Island of Truth and go there. The rest will be clear soon enough._

"So Kurama recons that Giant Gramps Sage ment we need to find out what the Island of truth is and go there," Naruto tells Pervy Sage. "He said we're probably going to meet the Eight Tails Jinchuriki there."

"Right," Pervy Sage sounds a bit tired. "Well, I guess we should get back to Konoha. We've been gone three months."

"Yes!" Naruto jumps up in excitement, and by the time he hits the ground, he and Pervy Sage have been reverse-summoned back to Konoha. "Ichiraku Ramen, here I come!" he shoots off before Pervy Sage can stop him.

Naruto skids to a halt when he sees Sasuke. "Sasuke…" he forces out.

"Yes, Naruto?" says Sasuke. "Where have you been, anyway?"

"That's not important!" shouts Naruto. "WHY ARE YOU WEARING A JOUNIN VEST!?"

"Because I'm a jounin," says Sasuke.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **The Adventures of Hiruzen Sarutobi: part Three.**

 _Dedicated to_ _ **Freedomits2l8**_ _\- because Iruka jokes instead of chuck Norris Jokes would be hilarious._

Hiruzen has been living in the _Scottish village_ for a few months now. He has a good grasp on the _Celtic tongue_ they speak there. The day is bright and clear. Hiruzen is standing in a field, having a lesson in playing _the bagpipes_. He is not called The Professor for nothing: this is a new place, so he is going to live like they do, dress like they do, eat like they do, talk like they do - he is going to learn about their culture by living it. And the best part?

The word 'Shinobi' is as foreign to them as trousers, sandals and being sober.

Hiruzen definitely picked the right spot for a holiday.

All he needs is a decent fight and he'll be happy. Although, that sentiment is one everyone in the _Scottish village_ shares.

Hiruzen looks up from his bagpipes lesson when he hears the sound of hoofbeats on the road. He sees a horseman, riding full throttle towards the town shouting, " _THE ENGLISH ARE COMING! THE ENGLISH ARE COMING!"_


	21. Why Nagato? WHY!

It is a widely accepted fact that Uchihas have perfect eyesight. Itachi does not, and therefore he has been getting mocked recently. That is why Itachi has taken to hiding from the general leads us to Itachi's current situation.

"YOUTH!" Might Guy yells pumping his fist in the air.

"Youth!" Echoes Rock Lee enthusiastically.

"Youth," forces out Nagato-sama between pants of exhaustion.

"YOUTH!" repeats Guy-san, getting all up in Itachi's face.

"Youth," agrees Itachi, somewhat unwillingly. He is only there as Nagato-sama's body guard. Why does he have to get involved in the training? Running laps around the village while chanting 'youth' was not on his list of things to do. Ever.

"YOUTH!"

"Youth!"

"Youth."

"Um, youth." Itachi is barely managing to keep up. Guy-san drives a hard training regime, even for recovering cripples. All they need is Hayate and every willing member of the Crippled Shinobi Club will be running laps of the Hidden Leaf Village with Might Guy-san. Itachi regrets all the training he didn't do after he joined the Akatsuki and started genjutsuing all his opponents.

For some odd reason, Nagato-sama is enjoying the training. He is even wearing the spandex tights that Guy-san offered him before they began training. Itachi would never tell Guy-san or Nagato-sama, but Nagato-sama actually looks better in the tights than Guy san ever did.

"Youth! Youth! Youth!" the chant sets the pace as they jog along the outskirts of the village. Sweat makes Itachi's glasses slip around uncomfortably.

"Halt!" calls Guy-san. The line skids to a halt.

Itachi looks around to find the reason for the sudden halt. Standing in their path is Jiraiya the Toad Sage.

"Jiraiya sensei!" Nagato pants happily. "I thought you pulled another vanishing act!"

"Well, I'm back now," Jiraiya sama says. "Er, what are you wearing?"

"Do you like it?" asks Nagato sama. "All I need is a toad hat, and the outfit will be complete!"

"Nagato, why? Just, _why_?" Jiraiya face palms.

Nagato sama looks crestfallen. "But… they're cool! And more functional than the toad suits!"

"I think what he means is why did you have to wear Might Guy's trademark outfit," says Itachi, holding his sides in exertion. He hasn't had a workout of this level for a long time. "Instead of his. It's the condition known as the 'Sensei Complex'. If it is not from the sensei, then the student should stay away from it."

"Oh." Nagato looks a little _too_ sad.

"Cheer up, Nagato-sama." Itachi pats his leader on the shoulder. Who would have thought that the god of the Hidden Rain is childish and actively seeks the approval of his sensei?

Itachi isn't sure if he is glad that Konan isn't present or disappointed that she isn't. After all, she seems to think the spandex aren't all bad. Imagine if Nagato made it compulsory for members of Akatsuki to wear the spandex under their cloaks. Itachi shudders at the thought.

Then an orange tornado hits Jiraiya.

"PERVY SAGE!" it yells. "SASUKE IS A JOUNIN NOW!"

"What's that got to do with anything?" yells back Jiraiya. "Have you SEEN what Nagato is wearing?"

Naruto looks at what Nagato is wearing. "Hey, that outfit looks way better on you than it does on Gai sensei!"

Itachi facepalms. ####! Damn it Naruto, why? WHY!?

"Really?" asks Nagato smiling.

"Yep!" Naruto does a thumbs up.

Itachi facepalms again.

Sakura is doing her daily round of 5,000 push ups when Sasuke turns up in his brand new Jounin vest. In order to clearly communicate to her teammate that she is not in the mood to talk to him, Sakura raises her voice, "4751, 4752, 4753, 4754…"

"Um, Sakura?" says Sasuke.

"...4756, 4757, 4758…"

"Are you mad at me for making jounin while you're still a genin?"

"...4762, 4763, 4764…"

"Naruto is back in the village."

"...4757, 4768, 4769…"

Sasuke gets the message and, because he does not want to be punched, he stands quietly while Sakura finishes. "...4997, 4998, 4999, 5000." Sakura gets up, stretches her muscles out and says to Sasuke, "Take me to Naruto, NOW."

 _She's so pretty when she's angry,_ thinks Sasuke. _Even if she is angry at me. Pity about the cooties._ All the same, Sasuke leads Sakura to Naruto's location. There they find Jiraiya, Gai, Lee and Itachi along with Nagato, who is wearing Gai's spandex for some reason, and Naruto who appears to be encouraging Nagato to wear the spandex, the idiot.

"Oh, hey Sakura!" Naruto waves to their teammate. "How are y-"

He is cut off when Sakura violently punches him, sending him flying 254 meters. Then Sakura stalks up to Naruto, drags his face to eye level and yells, "That's what you get for disappearing without telling anyone! If you EVER do it again, I will put you in the hospital for a month! Do you understand!"

"Yes, Sakura!" stammers out Naruto. "You've gotten really strong, Sakura!"

"I should hope so! I do 5,000 push ups, 5,000 sit ups, 3,000 bench presses, 300 laps around the village and another 400 laps around the village on a skipping rope each day! And that not even counting the weights and the training with Tsunade shisou!"

"SUCH PASSION!" Might Gai has tears streaming down his face. "IT'S SO INSPIRING TO SEE SUCH A YOUNG WOMAN DOING TRAINING AT SUCH A HIGH LEVEL ON HER OWN!" His eyes practically catch fire. "LEE, NAGATO, ITACHI, WE MUST DOUBLE OUR EFFORTS!" He strikes a Nice Guy Pose, complete with tooth sparkle. "ONWARD, STUDENTS! YOUTH!" he jogs off again.

"YOUTH!" yells Lee, following.

"Come on, Itachi," says Nagato, following Lee and Gai. "Youth!"

" #%$&!" mutters Itachi. "Should've left while I had the chance. Thanks for getting them fired up Sakura."

"Hurry up Itachi! Youth!"

"Right, youth," mutters Itachi, jogging after the other three.

Sasuke laughs. All that time he spent wanting to kill Itachi seems wasted. This would have made a much better, more satisfying kind of revenge.

"Soooooo," says Naruto. "What's up with them?"

"Gai is their trainer," says Sakura, checking her fingernails. "Now the real question is; where were you, Naruto."

"I trained to become a Sage!" says Naruto. "And I have to go on a mission to find the Eight Tails. But first: there is no WAY I am leaving before I am chunin! For all I know, I'll come back to find Sasuke made Hokage!"

"Good," says Sakura. "We are entering the next chunin exams. They are in three months."

"You'll need a third team mate," comments Sasuke. "Where are you going to get one? It's not like you can borrow someone from another team: it would be better to find two people to fill in on team Seven and team Ten."

Naruto is silent for a moment, face screwed up in thought. Then he grins. "I know the perfect two people!"


	22. Will You Be Fu's Friend?

"Slow down, Fu!" yells Kegon.

"But I want to get to the Hidden Mist already!" whines Fu, turning and running backwards. "I've never even been out of the Waterfall before!"

"We are already a day ahead of schedule, Fu," adds Yoro, disapprovingly. "You don't need to rush so much."

Fu blows up her fringe and turns back around. Why did she have to be stuck with two grumpy jounin, anyway? Why couldn't Shibuki sama have let her go with a normal team of genin? Well, she knows why, it's because she's a jinchuriki, and needs to be protected. Well, on the upside, at least Kegon and Yoro aren't mean to her. Maybe by the end of their adventure, they will be friends from shared perils and…

"GUYS! I CAN SEE THE MIST VILLAGE!" Fu yells, jumping up and down excitedly.

"Okay, Fu, calm down," says Yoro. "And stay between us."

Fu does as she is told, but only because she doesn't want her teammates to turn around and take her back to the Hidden Waterfall because she wouldn't behave.

At the gates there is a line of people being checked for something. "Hey, Yoro," says Fu, pointing to the line. "What are the guards checking for?"

"They are checking for people who have no right to be here, I guess," says Yoro, scratching his head. "It's standard procedure. I mean, what if a rogue ninja used this as an opportunity to infiltrate the Mist."

"Oh I get it!" Fu claps her hands. "Good thing we're meant to be here, then, right?"

Finally, it is their turn. "Reason for being here?" asks the guard.

"The Chunin exams," says Kegon, holding up their official invitation.

"You may enter. Here are your village passes," says the guard. "Follow the directions on this map to get to the house for Chunin exam participants." he gives Kegon a flyer and waves them on.

"So this is the Hidden Mist!" says Fu, jumping up and running off. She takes about three steps before her teammates have grabbed her and are dragging her away to the place indicated on the map they were given.

They make it to the place for the exam entrants only to find it consists of three rooms: on for eating, one for sleeping and one for bathing. That's it. Three rooms. They are large rooms, but they are for ALL the contestants.

"Well, I guess we will only be staying here for a night or two," says Kegon. "It could be worse."

Fu escapes her team mates' grasp and runs over to a group of assembled teams. She skids to a stop on her knees beside them and says, "My name is Fu! Will you let Fu be your friend?"

"No, get lost," say the Grass ninjas, bad temperedly.

"Aw," Fu fights back tears and slinks away, back to her teammates.

The doors crash open and a group of excited Leaf genin tumble into the room.

"It's so exciting!" says one of the girls. She has pink hair. "Who would've thought they would have a baby so soon!"

"I know!" squeals another of the girls, this one with blonde hair. "And to think they are so cute together!"

Fu wonders if these genins will be her friends. Probably not. But she will try!

One of the group, a blonde boy in orange, is looking at Fu. His face is screwed up in concentration. Then he grins and bounds over to Fu. "My name is Naruto, what's yours?" he says. "Oh and Kurama says to tell Chomei 'hi'."

Fu stares at Naruto. "My name is Fu. Who is Kurama? And who's Chomei?"

Naruto holds up nine fingers. Then he changes it to seven.

Fu is confused. What do the numbers seven and nine have to do with anything?

"What…" she starts to ask.

But the pink haired girl interrupts. "Oh, is she the Seven Tails' Jinchuriki?" the girl asks.

"Yep!" says Naruto. "But she doesn't seem to know that the Seven Tails' name is Chomei."

"Chomei, huh? So now we know Shukaku, Chomei and Kurama."

"Three down, six to go!" says Naruto, grinning. "Fu, this is my team mate, Sakura. Sakura, this is Fu."

A group of about twelve Konoha genins are crowded around Fu at this point. "Who's your new friend, Naruto?" asks one of them, a boy wearing a dog as a hat.

"Guys, this is Fu," says Naruto. "She has Seven Tails Chomei. Fu and Chomei, this is: Kiba, Shino, my girlfriend Hinata, Sai, Shin, Choji, Ino, Tenten, Lee and Neji."

"Hey, Fu."

"Hi, Fu."

"Do you get on with Chomei?"

"Is your tailed beast nice to you?"

"Is your village nice to you?"

Hands grab Fu and she is shoved behind her teammates.

"Who are you and how do you know that Fu is a Jinchuriki?" demands Kegon.

"I am Naruto Uzumaki, Orange Terror of the Hidden Leaf," says Naruto. "I am the son of the Yellow Flash and the Bloody Habanero. I am the Jinchuuriki of the NIne Tailed Fox, Kurama, like my mother was before me. It's nice to meet you. What's your name?"

Kegon and Yoro are speechless. "You are a-"

"Yep!" Naruto strikes a nice guy pose.

"But…"

Three more genins, these ones from the Hidden Rain, tumble into the the room with a boy wearing a Leaf headband.

"Sasuke!" Naruto yells, and jumps on the boy.

"Hey, get off me Idiot!" the boy says pushing Naruto away. "I'm here as jounin sensei!"

"Whaaat!?" Naruto yells. "Whose jounin sensei?"

"Ours," says the Rain genin with the orange hair. "It is Nagato sama's wish that we come as the apprentices of Akatsuki, as such we are lead by an apprentice of Akatsuki."

"Okay, guys," says Sakura, cracking her knuckles. "We need to all make chunin!"

"Hey, don't I get a hug?" demand the female Rain genin, pouting.

"Oh, right, sorry Karin-chan," says Naruto, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. Then he hugs her so tight she squeaks. Then Naruto turns back to Fu. "Fu," he says. "These guys are Sasuke, Jyuugo, Suigetsu and my cousin Karin. Guys, this is Fu, she has the Seven Tails."

"We had better take her to meet Nagato-touchan," says Karin. "All Jinchuuriki need to be placed under the protection of Akatsuki."

"Right," nods Sasuke. "If you and your team mates could come with us, Fu, that would be much appreciated."

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Mummy is a Jashinist.**

 _Dedicated to the guest who correctly guessed that Sai and Shin are the two extra team members Naruto found._

Fugaku is out for a walk with his wife and three year old son, Itachi. It is a lovely day - just the kind of day one goes for a walk in an enemy shinobi infested forest with one's baby. Well, that's what Mikoto thinks anyway. Fugaku doesn't want to argue with her.

Fact Of Life: people who argue with Mikoto Uchiha have a habit of winding up dead. Hence why they call her The Grim Reaper.

Anyway, Mikoto wants to fight enemy shinobi, Itachi wants to watch the birdies and Fugaku wants to go for a walk with his family. Hence why they are going for a walk in the forest where there are enemy ninjas.

"Birdie!" says Itachi, letting go of Fugaku's hand and pointing up at a nearby tree. "Will it make good pet?"

"No, Itachi, that's a crow," says Fugaku. "They are hunting birds, not pets."

"Pet crow," says Itachi firmly.

"Maybe when you're older," says Mikoto. She scoops up Itachi and tickles his tummy.

Fugaku senses enemy ninjas headed their way. "Looks like your prey has arrived."

"Oh, good," Mikoto smiles her creepy smile. "Don't let Itachi watch, alright."

"As if I would let him watch you fight," says Fugaku, taking Itachi from Mikoto's arms and standing to one side.

The enemy ninjas emerge from the trees, grins on their faces. "It's just a couple with a baby!" says one. "Let's take the kid. He's an Uchiha, so he'll be a valuable asset to our village."

"I wouldn't be saying that in front of my wife," says Fugaku, covering Itachi's eyes. Things are about to get ugly.

"Let me get this straight," says Mikoto, a little too sweetly. "You want to kill us and take our baby, then raise him to be loyal to your village?"

"Pretty much, yeah," says the ninja.

Mikoto pulls her single bladed scythe out of its containment seal. "Did you know I am a high priestess of the Order of Jashin?" she says. "But I haven't made a sacrifice in a while."

"What's that got to do with anything?" asks one of the ninja.

Mikoto grins, activating her sharingan. "This is for Jashin!" she yells, and charges at the ninjas.

"Wanna watch!" says Itachi, trying to pull Fugaku's hand off his eyes.

"Sorry, Itachi," says Fugaku. "Mummy is being too sexy for young eyes right now."

"Damn straight," says Mikoto, while cutting a ninja in half with a perfectly executed swing of her scythe. "So what do you say we make another kid later?"

"Not in front of the baby, Mikoto," scolds Fugaku, suggestively.

"Oopsie, my bad," says Mikoto, sending the blood of ninjas flying through the air. She finishes up with a flourish. "There, all done with the forest cleanup," she says. "Let's get back to our nice family walk."

And that is exactly what they do.


	23. Like a Boss

Itachi and Kisame are tracking Danzo. They have tracked him to the Water Country, which worries Itachi: the first round of the chunin exams is to be held in the Hidden Mist. Speaking of which; "Kisame, aren't you supposed to be helping proctor the first round of the Chunin Exams?" Itachi asks.

"Once Pein gets here I'll go back to the Mist," says Kisame. "We still have two days, anyway."

Sensing powerful chakras ahead, Itachi makes the signal to proceed with caution. The pair creeps forward, towards the chakra. They reach a clearing, but it is not a natural clearing. It was created by the fierce battle taking place between Danzo Shimura and a young man in a blue kimono.

Danzo is attacking the young man with wood style. Where did he get that ability, unless it was from Orochimaru, Itachi muses.

"Itachi," whispers Kisame. "I know that guy, he's Utakata, one of the Mist's jinchuuriki. He left about the same time I did, but for different reasons."

Itachi shrugs.

"Right," says Kisame, and jumps down, landing in the center of the battle.

Itachi follows, planting himself directly in front of Danzo. "Back off, Danzo," Itachi says. "Unless you want to die."

"It is you who will die, Uchiha," says Danzo. He reaches up to the bandages covering his eye. Shisui's eye.

"I don't think so," say Itachi, Mangekyou spinning. "Susanoo!"

Danzo takes a step back as the giant being made of chakra forms around Itachi. He yanks away the bandages covering Shisui's eye. Itachi has already summoned his crows, and they appear, flying around Danzo. Danzo screams as Shisui's eye is torn from his eye socket by the beaks of a flock of crows.

"You will not use my friend's eye for your own designs," says Itachi, cold and calm. "Fact Of Life: I can kill you with more ease than it takes Might Gai to run 1,000 laps around the Hidden Leaf."

"How do you hope to kill me if you cannot see?" asks Danzo, lunging at Itachi's glasses.

Itachi's susanoo picks Danzo up and squeezes him. "Surrender and I will spare your life," says Itachi.

Danzo substitutes out of the Susanoo's grasp and reappears behind Utakata. "I will be taking this," he says, tying up the jinchuuriki with his wood style.

"No, you won't," Kisame swings Samehada, sending Danzo flying and breaking his jutsu. "How are you, Utakata?" he adds, grinning at the Jinchuriki.

"Um, this is all really boring and annoying," says Utakata. "But why are you guys helping me?"

"Because," says Itachi. "We were hired by the allied villages to protect the jinchuuriki from Team Tsuki no Me."

"It seems Akatsuki has done a complete 180 turn," says Danzo. "Before all this peace business, you were the ones hunting the jinchuriki."

"True," says Kisame. "But the shinobi world is changing for the better. Akatsuki will assist that change."

"Not if you are dead," says Danzo, pulling at the bandages covering his right arm.

"I don't think so," says a voice. Itachi turns to see Nagato sama walking towards them in a manner that can only be described as 'like a boss'. Nagato sama grins, and flicks his hair back. His rinnegan are activated and his chakra is all riled up. "I am Nagato Uzumaki, leader of Akatsuki, god of the Hidden Rain, etcetera, etcetera." he continues to walk forward like a boss.

Danzo looks very, very afraid. "An Uzumaki? But they were all destroyed along with the Hidden Whirlpool!"

"Nope!" grins Nagato sama. "There are three of us left, Myself, Karin and Naruto, whom I am sure you have met."

"He isn't a true Uzumaki!" snaps Danzo.

"He pulls pranks, has far too much chakra and needs things explained to him in food metaphors. He's Uzumaki enough for me!"

Danzo looks like he is contemplating the best manner to retreat without looking like a coward.

Nagato sama finally gets close enough to Danzo to touch him and Danzo just gives up and shunshins away. "Aw," pouts Nagato sama, ruining his previous epicness. "I wanted to kick his ass!"

Itachi releases his susanoo. "We'll get another chance."

Utakata is staring at the three Akatsuki members in a mixture of awe and horror. "Who are you guys, and what are you doing here?"

"We are three members of Akatsuki," says Nagato sama. "I am the leader. We have been hired by the Leaf to kill Dazo, the man who was attacking you just now. We have also been hired to protect every jinchuuriki. If you wish to join our organization, we have a spot available. We stand for peace, justice, truth and talking instead of fighting. Anyone with no place to go is welcome in Akatsuki."

Utakata stares at Nagato sama. "You don't even know who I am and you are telling me I am welcome in your organization?"

"You are Utakata, jinchuriki of the Six Tails," says Nagato sama. "You abandoned the Hidden Mist during the Bloody Mist era and have been a rogue ninja ever since."

"You see, Utakata," says Kisame. "We do know who you are. Did you know that the Mist is now under the leadership of Mei Terumi - you know her, right? Although her name is Mei Umino now, since she got married. The Mist is headed in a new direction; you would be just as welcome there as in Akatsuki."

Utakata looks torn. "I wouldn't need to be on the run all the time? I would be able to take naps with both eyes closed?" he asks. "But would I be able to trust my comrades?"

"In Akatsuki we have each other's backs," says Nagato sama. "Killing your comrades is not advised. Nor is it tolerated."

"But in the mist?"

"The Mist is changing for the better," says Itachi, grinning. "The Mizukage married a man who will not tolerate people who back-stab their comrades."

Utakata still looks torn.

"Look," says Nagato sama. "You don't have to decide right away. But we would like you to come to the Mist with us and meet another jinchuuriki."

"Alright," sighs Utakata.


	24. Much Laughs - Funny Human

"HEY! MEI-SAMA!" Naruto's yells as he crashes into the room.

"Yes, Naruto?" says Mei-chan, as if a foreign jinchuriki bursting into the room with 11 konoha genins, one konoha jounin, three Rain genins and three Waterfall genins is an everyday occurrence.

"WOW YOUR TUMMY IS HUGE!" Naruto yells, stopping short.

"Yes," says Iruka. "That's because there's a baby in there."

"Iruka-nii!" Naruto jumps Iruka, who is very glad he is sitting down, or he would have just been flattened. Naruto sits upright on Iruka's lap and starts to talk non-stop; "We just arrived here and checked in and I'm a sage now and I'm totally gonna prank my way through this exam and when is you and Mei-sama's baby coming and what's it like living in the Hidden Mist; do they have good ramen and is your baby gonna be a boy or a girl and I found another Jinchuuriki - where is Nagato-nii - and her name is Fu-chan and those guys are her teammates, they seem nice and did you know that Sasuke is a jounin and Lee is all better now and we brought our new friends Shin and Sai to be on our teams and...and...and...and…" Naruto stops and grins, trying to catch his breath.

Iruka grins back and says; "That's great, I know you will pass if you prank your way through; and our baby is due in another four and a half months; and it is a boy; the Hidden Mist is quite fun, they make good prank victims; and the ramen is good but not as good as Ichiraku's; and it's nice to meet you Fu; and Nagato is off hunting Danzo, he said something about relieving Kisame so that he can make it in time for the first round of the exam - Kisame is helping Ao sama proctor - and yes, I heard that Sasuke is a jounin and that he is Nagato's apprentice now; and hello Shin and Sai, it's nice to meet you." Iruka lifts Naruto off his lap and plonks the boy next to Mei-chan.

"Here Naruto," says Mei-chan, smiling. "Put your hand here." she takes Naruto's hand and places it on her stomach.

Naruto's eyes widen in amazement. "He's moving," Naruto whispers, putting his ear to Mei-chan's stomach. Then he let's out a yell and jumps away. "He kicked me in the face!"

Iruka laughs.

"He does that," says Mei-chan, grinning. "Now who are all these children, and why are they in my office?"

"Why do you have a couch in your office?" asks Naruto.

"So I can snuggle with Iruka-kun, obviously," says Mei-chan.

"That makes sense," says Sakura nodding. "We're all friends of Naruto's. I'm Sakura, these guys are, Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Neji, Lee, Tenten, Ino, Choji, Shin, Sai, Sasuke, Suigetsu, Juugo, Karin, Fu, Kegon and Yoro."

"Okay, which one of you is the jinchuuriki, again?" asks Mei-chan.

"I am," says the girl with green hair. "I am Fu. Will you be Fu's friend?"

"Sure, why not?" says Mei-chan. "I'm Mei Umino, the Fifth Mizukage. This guy," she jerks her thumb in Iruka's direction, "is my husband Iruka."

Then the doors open and Nagato sama walks in like a boss, followed by Itachi, Kisame and a man in a blue Kimono.

"Oh my gosh another one!" Naruto yells, running up to the man in the blue Kimono. "I'm Naruto. I'm Kurama's jinchuriki. Kurama says to say 'Hi' to Saiken for him."

"Um, what?" says the man.

"Naruto," says Nagato. "Meet Utakata, jinchuriki of the Six Tails."

"SWEET!" Naruto grins. "Now I have met Six AND Seven today." He pushes Fu forward. "This is Fu, she is Chomei's jinchuuriki."

"Okay, hold on," says Utakata. "Who is Kurama, who is Chomei, and who is Saiken?"

"WHY DOES NO ONE KNOW THEIR TAILED BEAST'S NAME?!" Shouts Naruto, pulling at his hair. "SERIOUSLY, IS IT THAT HARD TO ASK? LIKE, 'HI I'M YOUR NEW JINCHUURIKI, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?' OH MY GOSH, THIS IS DRIVING ME NUTS!" He calms himself down a bit. "Kurama is the Nine Tails. Chomei is the Seven Tails. Saiken. Is. the. Six. Tails. HE LIVES INSIDE YOUR BODY HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HIS NAME? SERIOUSLY, EVEN GAARA KNOWS HIS TAILED BEAST'S NAME, AND THEY DON'T EVEN GET ON THAT WELL!" Naruto finishes his rant and starts hyperventilating in frustration.

Utakata takes a step backwards. "I've never really talked to Six Tails-"

"SAIKEN," say Naruto, through gritted teeth. "His. Name. Is. Saiken. USE IT!"

"Okay, okay," says Utakata, holding up his hands. "Saiken. I've never really talked to Saiken, he-"

"Then talk to him now," growls Naruto. "You can start by telling him that his brother Kurama says 'hello'."

Inside Naruto's mindscape, Kurama is curled up behind the bars of his pesky cage. And he is laughing. Boy is he laughing. To think his human would care about not just him, but his pesky siblings as well. To think Naruto would care enough about the tailed beasts that he would force other jinchuuriki to use their Tailed Beast's name.

Kurama cannot help laughing at the silly humans who brought on Naruto's rage. Because, you see, if Kurama were not laughing so hard, then that silly jinchuuriki in the blue kimono would be facing a Tailed Beast transformation.

As things stand, Naruto is experiencing true rage without any nasty side effects for the first time, and it is beautiful.

And Naruto is right, that pesky seal IS in the way of them being better friends. The sooner it is unlocked, the sooner they can bond properly. Kurama has been lonely for a long time. Finally he has a friend. And it looks like this funny human of his is the one Father told them about so long ago.

* * *

 **Omake**

The Adventures of Hiruzen Sarutobi: A Daffodil is Not a Broadsword.

 _ **Senseless Doneness**_ _has passed the 50 follower mark! (I wonder what happened to the rest of the people - the ones who vanished after part one?)_

The _Scotsmen_ wait for the English to arrive; swords ready, kilts fastened securely and plenty of _whisky_ in their guts. Hiruzen stands at the front of the line, waiting for his chance to repay these people's hospitality by beating the crap out of their enemies.

The only problem is: he doesn't want to use any ninja tools for this battle and ninja tools are all he has right now.

Hm. What to do?

The deafening skirl of the _bagpipes_ sounds the charge. With a roar, the _Scotsman_ charge the _Englishmen_. Hirzen leads the charge and quickly finds himself facing a giant man on horseback. The man has a huge broadsword.

Now the real question is: what should Hiruzen use to fight him?

Hiruzen glances around for inspiration. He sees a daffodil, growing happily away in the grass. By the end of the battle, it will probably be crushed. Well, it might as well make itself useful while it lives. Hiruzen bends down and picks it.

The giant swords man rolls his eyes and takes a swing at Hiruzen with his broadsword. Using chakra to reinforce the daffodil, Hirzen uses it to block the broadsword. The _Englishman_ screams in terror.

" _WIZARD! THEY HAVE A WIZARD_!"

" _I'll be taking your horse, young man_ ," says Hiruzen. He cuts through the sword with the chakra encasing his daffodil.

The _Englishman_ scrambles off his horse and runs screaming, " _RUN! They have a wizard! THE OLD MAN IS A WIZARD!_ "

" _That's_ shinobi _, actually_ ," says Hiruzen, taking hold of his new horse's reins and leaping onto its back. He knows exactly what to do with this horse.


	25. The Value of a Comrade

The teams are gathered in a large field to the North of the Hidden Mist. Naruto, Sakura and Sai stand together. Their friends stand nearby, in their teams. Ao sama and Kisame san appear in a whirl of water.

"Alright, listen up!" yells Ao, silencing the chatter of the genins. "I want you all to hand in your registration forms and take one of these numbers." he holds up a numbered card. "Then, when everyone has a number, Kisame will explain the next step."

Muttering amongst themselves, the genin hand their forms to Ao and Kisame and receive a numbered card. Soon they all have one, and Kisame says, "Right; in a few seconds, numbers will appear in the ground in little squares. I want you all to find your number and stand on it."

Numbers start appearing all over the field. "Once all of you are on a number," says Ao sama as the genin scramble to find their places. "It will release Kisame's jutsu. You will all be trapped in a maze made of water infused chakra. There will only be four exits. You are to find your teammates, then head for the nearest exit."

Naruto notices that all the teams are being split up. His team mates are in wildly different parts of the field to him.

"You will meet either myself or Kisame at each exit," continues Ao sama. "We will ask you a question. If you get the answer right you will pass the first stage."

"But first, the rules," says Kisame as the watery maze begins to rise around the genins. "There will be no fighting or harming the other contestants. You are only allowed to exit with the teammates registered on your form as YOUR team. You have one hour to find your way out of the maze. Do not try to walk on top of the walls or you will be sucked in and spat back out somewhere else. After an hour, I will release the jutsu. Anyone still in the maze when that happens is out." There is a pause for what seems like an eternity as the walls of the maze finish forming.

Then Ao sama calls out, "Let the First Round Begin!"

As soon as the signal is given to begin, Fu flies up above the maze to search for her teammates. She sees Sai nearby, flying above the maze on what looks like a living drawing. She waves to him and continues to search for her team. She spots Yoro carefully making his way through the maze and swoops down. "Yoro, follow Fu!" she tells him.

"Right!" he calls back.

She leads him through the maze to Kegon, who is in a standoff with a cocky genin who thinks he can stop his rival participant from finding his way out of the maze. "Kegon!" calls Fu. "Follow Fu! Leave the silly boy who isn't finding his team!"

"Right!" Kegon joins Yoro and the two disguised jounins follow Fu to the nearest exit.

At the exit is Kisame Hoshigaki. "Looks like you guys are the first to make it to an exit," he says, grinning.

"What's our question?" asks Fu, jumping up and down in excitement.

"What is the most important thing in a ninja's arsenal?" asks Kisame.

"FRIENDS!" yells Fu.

"Close enough," says Kisame. "The answer is actually comrades, but whatever."

Sakura is trying to use her tracking skills to hunt down Naruto and Sai when Naruto scoots around the corner and skids to a stop in front of her. "Good, I found you," he pants. "Sai will be here soon with his ink birds, then we can fly to the nearest exit."

"Here he is now," says Sakura, pointing upwards. "And he's not on his birds, he's on...flying pigs. Wonderful."

Sai pulls his teammates onto the flying pigs and they head to the nearest exit, where Ao sama is waiting for teams to arrive. They land and head over to him.

"What's the question?" asks Naruto.

"What would you do in this situation," asks Ao sama. "Your teammate or teammates have been captured by enemy ninjas and you have a chance to save them. But it could jeopardise your mission. You are out numbered 5 to one and no back up is coming."

"Well that's easy," says Naruto. "Prank the enemy of course."

Ao looks mildly surprised. "Are you the Orange Terror?"

"Yep!"

"Your answer is accepted."

"Byakugan!" Hinata activates her dojutsu and spies out her teammates. Shino is already headed towards Kiba, who is closest to him. Kiba and Akamaru are tracking down Shino. Hinata heads straight for them. The team meets up near the center of the maze.

"We got this," says Kiba, grinning. "This is too easy."

"The exit is that way," says Shino, whose bugs have already spied out their exit for them. "It seems Naruto's team and Fu's team are finished already."

Team Eight heads to the exit where they are asked by Ao sama if it is ever okay to kill a comrade to prevent their capture.

After some discussion, Kiba answers that, if you can, it is always best to try and save your comrades from capture. And if they are captured, to rescue them. But if none of those options are available and it will save your comrade from further pain, then yes, it might be excusable to end their suffering. Team Eight is given a pass, and goes to join Team Fu and Team Kakashi.

Neji quickly locates and rounds up his team. The head for the nearest exit to find Kisame Hoshigaki - or a clone of him, judging by the fact he is at an exit on the far side of the maze.

Kisame asks them this question: "True or False: a ninja is as strong as his weakest team member."

"True," says Lee. "And a ninja should lend his strength to his weakest team member to make his team stronger."

"Pass," says Kisame.

Team Taka, better known as Karin, Suigetsu and Juugo, find each other within fifteen minutes. They make their way to the nearest exit. They find Ao sama there, waiting quietly for the team that is already there to answer the question. The team is from the Hidden Sand. They answer the question promptly and are passed.

Team Taka heads over to Ao. "So what's the question?" asks Suigetsu.

"You are faced with a powerful opponent who you will have no trouble defeating, but your teammates will struggle to overcome. Do you a) retreat, b) tell your comrades to stand back while you fight alone, c) use your teammates as a distraction while you take down the opponent, or d) come up with a plan that uses your teammates and your own skills to take down your opponent?"

Team Taka discusses this for a bit. Then Juugo says, "Depending on the opponent and the situation, we would either retreat or take him down together."

"Good, you pass."

Ino quickly locates her teammates by contacting them with her telepathic communication. Shin finds her first, then Choji. The three of them make their way through the maze, reaching the exit at the 45 minute mark.

Kisame asks them what they would do if one of their teammates were badly hurt on a mission.

After some deliberation, Ino replies that they would treat the comrade's wounds, and if they could, they would find a safe place to leave him while they completed the mission. Or they would do their best to get their comrade to a doctor, or back to their village. But they would definitely not abandon them! Or kill them, as she has heard some are known to.

They are passed for their answer.


	26. The Second Round Begins

Out of all the teams that entered the inter village chunin exams, only 20 make it to the second round. Along with Team Gai, team Kakashi, Team Kurenai, Team Fu, Team Taka and Team Ten there are two teams from the Mist, one from the Grass, three from the Stone, three from the Sand, two other teams from the Leaf and three other teams from the Rain. The teams who passed all seem to have good tracking abilities or some kind of flight jutsu.

Sakura stands with Sai and Naruto while they wait for the next proctor to arrive. She heard that the next round will take place in the Sand, so she is interested to see who the proctor will be and what the challenge will be like. _We got this, shannaro!_ Yells Inner Sakura.

A Sand Jounin wearing a white turban walks onto the field. "Am I late?" she asks Ao sama coldly.

"No, you are right on time," says Ao sama. "They're all yours."

The Sand jounin glares around at the contestants. "I am your main proctor for the Second round," she says. "My name is Maki. My assistant for the round is Baki. You will meet him in the Sand." she clasps her hands behind her back and stares down the genins. "The next round will be take place in a location outside the Sand Village. We will be travelling there as a group. Meet me at the Village gates tomorrow morning with your gear: everything you bring you will take with you into the Second Round. You will only be allowed to take what you have with you into the Arena for the Second Round, so make sure you pack carefully. Dismissed."

Chattering in excited nervousness, the teams make their way back to the Dorm - as they have come to call the place they are staying.

"It's obviously a test of our preparation skills," says Sakura. "We had better be careful what we pack."

"I'd better top up my pranking supplies," says Naruto.

"I should acquire some more ink for my Super Beast Scroll," says Sai.

"I'll make sure we have enough supplies," says Sakura. "Let me know what supplies you already have in the way of food, water and medicine."

"Right!" says Naruto. Then he stops walking. "I better say goodbye to Iruka-nii. Who knows when I'll see him again."

"Go on then," says Sakura, "but make sure you top up your pranking kit while you're at it. Iruka sensei will probably be able to help you with that."

Naruto scampers off to find his adopted brother.

Sakura drags Sai back to the Dorm to organize their gear. Much, much later, after the failing teams have packed up to go home and the passing teams have packed for the next round, Naruto returns.

"It's about time you got back," scolds Sakura. "We still need to go through your supplies. We've gone through mine and Sai's already."

"Sorry," says Naruto sheepishly. "I was having fun with Iruka-nii." He pulls his pack over to Sakura. "I topped up my pranking supplies, but we probably should go through my other supplies."

"Right, let's do this," Sakura cracks her knuckles and sets upon Naruto's bag.

They go through his supplies, adding dried fruit and water to his already sizeable supply of packaged food. Sakura makes sure Naruto tops up the supplies in his medical kit. It's not so much that he will need them, but that it never hurts to have extra. Besides, Naruto might actually meet a challenging foe someday. Yeah, and Hyuugas come from the moon. (Back in the Leaf Village, the entire Hyuuga clan starts to sneeze violently. Over in their respective teams' spots in the Dorm, Hinata and Neji also sneeze. Up on the moon, the last survivors of the Otsutsuki clan start to sneeze. Off in the middle of nowhere, Tobi starts to sneeze.)

The next morning, the 20 passing teams and their senseis meet Maki at the village gates. They head out as a group, arriving at the arena for the second round a couple of days later. Gaara is waiting for them with Temari and Kankuro.

Naruto makes a bee-line for Gaara. "Hi Gaara!" he jumps at the unfortunate Kazekage, knocking him to the ground with an enthusiastic hug.

"Hello, Naruto." says Gaara. "Hello Kurama, Shukaku is too busy sulking to greet you."

"Why is he sulking?" asks Naruto. "And Kurama says 'hi to you both'."

"Shukaku is butthurt because I won't let him out to kill people anymore."

Naruto laughs. Then he drags Gaara over to Fu. "This is Fu. Fu, this is Gaara. Fu has the Seven Tails, Chomei. Gaara has the One Tail, Shukaku."

"So the Seven Tails is named Chomei," says Gaara. "It is nice to meet you Fu. Give my regards to your resident grouch-bag."

Fu giggles. "How did you know Chomei is always grumpy?"

"Because I would be too if I was cooped up all the time."

"Oh. That makes sense, I suppose." Fu grabs Gaara's hand a smiles winningly. "Will you be Fu's friend?"

"Alright," agrees Gaara. "But you must get back to the others now. You too Naruto - the Second Round is about to start."

"Hi Gaara!" Lee waves to Gaara quite enthusiastically.

Gaara waves back timidly.

Naruto and Fu run back to their teams.

"Alright everyone!" calls Maki. "As soon as Baki is here, we will explain the Second Round."

Baki appears next to Maki an instant after she is finished speaking. "Are the candidates ready?" he asks.

"Yes," says Maki. "Is everything ready at the watch tower?"

"It is," confirms Baki. "Shall I explain the challenge?"

"Go right ahead," says Maki, stepping to one side.

"Alright, listen up because I'm only going to say this once!" says Baki. "Your goal is to get to that watchtower," he points to a tower some kilometers away. "Inside the tower are ten of these scrolls." he holds up a blue and white scroll with the kanji for 'water' on it. "Find one and bring it back here. Under no circumstances are you to open the scrolls. Bring them back here and give them to the proctor who is waiting for you. They will verify whether or not the scroll is genuine. If the scroll is genuine you will advance to the next round. You have five days to complete the challenge. The Kazekage and his siblings will assist myself and Maki in proctoring this round. For the first 24 hours, no one is allowed to engage anyone else in combat - anyone who breaks this rule will be disqualified. If you wish to withdraw for any reason, send up one of the signal flares that Maki is about to hand out."

Maki produces a box of flares and hands one to each team.

"When a flare goes off, the nearest proctor will go and escort the team it belongs to out of the desert," continues Baki. "For this round, nothing is forbidden except what I have already stated. After the first 24 hours are up, I will set off a red flare from the tower. That is the signal to let you know that you may officially fight each other to your hearts' content. Am I clear? Good. Sign these consent forms and we will begin the Second Round."

Temari hands around the forms, which the teams sign and hand back to her. Then the line up behind the starting line that Gaara made in the sand and wait.

"BEGIN!" shouts Maki.


	27. Sightseeing or Exam First?

As Maki shouts "Begin!" the teams take off into the desert. Naruto strolls away with his team, not in that great of a hurry. "So, guys," he asks his teammates. "Shall we head straight to the tower, or stop for some sightseeing?"

"We should head to the tower, get a scroll and sightsee on the way back," advises Sai. "We do not know what the landscape between here and there is like, so we had best act accordingly."

"Good idea," agrees Sakura. "Let's head straight to the tower."

They stroll towards the tower. Chattering as they go.

"So when we get to the tower, do you think we could set some pranks to trick the other teams?" asks Naruto.

"That sounds like fun, shannaro!" Sakura crows grinning.

"I am intrigued to see what kinds of pranks you will come up with," says Sai, smiling his fake smile.

"So how long do you think it will take us to reach the tower at this pace?" asks Naruto.

"Judging by the distance between here and the tower," says Sai. "It should take us until tomorrow evening to reach it, and that is if we walk all day."

"That's too long!" declares Naruto. "We need to get there by the end of the day so we have plenty of time to go sightseeing!"

"Shall we fly there?" asks Sai. "It is still cool enough that the sun will not evaporate the ink from my Super Beast Scroll."

"That's a great idea," says Sakura. "Just don't make any-"

"Super Beast Scroll!" Sai cast his jutsu, creating more flying pigs with his jutsu.

"-flying pigs." finishes Sakura.

Sai and Naruto climb onto a flying pig each.

"Come on, Sakura!" calls Naruto. "The sooner we get a scroll, the sooner we can go pranking and sightseeing!"

Sighing, Sakura climbs onto the third flying pig and Team Kakashi flies to the tower. They reach it in a few short hours. After they have lept off the flying pigs, Sai releases his jutsu.

The three genin head into the watchtower and start rummaging around looking for scrolls and good places to set pranks.

"I've got one!" yells Sakura, from the room she is searching.

"So have I!" calls Sai, poking his head around the door to the room Naruto is searching.

"I have too," says Naruto, grinning. "It seems all the scrolls are scattered around the tower."

Sakura enters the room, a Water Scroll in her hand. "So shall we take just one, or…"

Naruto grins gleefully. "Let's only take one, but set pranks around all the others! And just to make things interesting, let's wait until the red flare goes off before we leave the tower. Then we can prank whoever we meet on the way back."

Sakura grins. "Let's do it, Shannaro!"

"I do like this plan," says Sai. "But what if other teams arrive while we are still setting up the pranks?"

"We could set up a base of operations at the top of the tower and keep a lookout," suggests Sakura. "No one else is likely to make it this far before tomorrow unless they have a flying jutsu anyway."

"So we can count their campfires tonight!"

"Exactly. In the meantime: let's locate all the scrolls."

"Which one shall we keep?" asks Naruto.

"The one you've got," says Sakura. "I'll show you where I found mine and we can set up pranks around it."

"I'll find a spot to set up camp," says Sai. "And check the tower for traps. Well, traps that aren't our doing."

"Show us where you found your scroll first," says Sakura.

A few hours and a lot of pranked scrolls later, Team Seven meets at the top of the tower. Sai has set up a campsite in the very top of the tower, in a room where they can see all the land around the tower for miles.

"Come night fall we will have no problem counting how many teams are left," says Sai. "Unless anyone is stupid and doesn't light a fire, that is."

"What do you mean?" ask Naruto. "The desert is really warm."

"Not at night," says Sakura. "At night the desert gets freezing cold because the land cannot retain the heat."

"Oh, right."

"So how did your pranking go?" asks Sai.

"I only put pranks around the scrolls," says Naruto. "There are no decoy pranks."

"We also set some of them to reset themselves after an hour or half an hour," adds Sakura. "That way, they will catch more people."

"That is an excellent idea," says Sai. "What shall we have for dinner?"

"I brought some rice," says Sakura. "And some sushi paper. We could have rice balls."

"That is a great idea!" says Naruto. "And I have some ramen we can make to go with it!"

"The campfires are starting to spring up," comments Sai. "It seems no one is close enough to the tower to reach it before the 24 hour mark."

"Sweet!" says Naruto. "That means we can bombard oncoming teams with pranks when we leave the tower!"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **A Worthy Uchiha.**

 _Yay, we have passed the 50 review mark!_

Eight year old Sarada is sitting in her academy class frowning at Shino sensei, her head resting on her clasped hands.

"Think about it over your lunch break," he says to the class. "After lunch I want you all to share what you want to do with your life and your reason with the class."

Sarada follows her classmates outside thinking hard. She knows what she wants to be and she has a pretty good reason. After a content lunch break in which she shares the dango Uncle Itachi gave her with her best friend Chocho, Sarada heads back inside with the rest of the class.

"Alright," says Shino sensei. "Shikadai, would you like to go first?"

"This is troublesome, so I might as well get it over with," says Shikadai, standing up. "I wanna be an average ninja and make a decent living, because being an outstanding ninja is too much work and being a no good ninja is too boring." he sits back down.

"I'm next, dattebasa!" yells Boruto, jumping up. "I'm gonna be an awesome pranksta gangsta ninja, 'cause that's legit! And I wanna be in Akatsuki like Uncle Nagato and Auntie Karin and Uncle Suigetsu!"

"Thank you, Boruto," says Shino sensei patiently. "Chocho, you're next."

"I wanna be the epicist kunoichi that ever lived," says Chocho. "Because… um… that way I'll get free food!"

Shino sensei sighs. "How about you, Inojin?"

"I wish to be the most respected head of my clan," says Inojin. "Because I wish to lead my clan well, and to do that I must have their respect."

"What about you, Mitsuki?"

"Well," says Mitsuki. "I do not want to be like my parent. I want to be my own person and be a well respected medical ninja and Sage."

"Um, your reason?"

"You do know who my parent is, don't you?"

"Good point." Shino sensei looks a bit frazzled. "What about you, Sarada?"

Sarada stands up. "I am going to be the Hokage!"

"Er, why do you want to be Hokage?"

"The number of idiots in this village is too damned high; and I am going to change that, shannaro!"

Looking down on the Leaf Village from the afterlife, the Second Hokage Tobirama Senju finds tears of happiness leaking out of his eyes. "Finally," he rejoices. "A worthy Uchiha!"


	28. Avoid Confrontation!

Team Eight splits off from the main group of genin as soon as the order is given to begin.

"Shino, send your bugs to find the best route!" calls Kiba as they run.

A swarm of insects leaves Shino's body and disperses across the desert,

"L-look," says Hinata, pointing upwards. "I-i-is that Naruto's group?"

Her teammates look up and see Sai's ink animals flying towards the tower.

"They will make it there and back before any of the other teams," remarks Shino. "Unless they go sightseeing like they did in The Forest of Death."

"Wh-when we get to the tower," says Hinata. "We should check for traps. N-naruto will probably set up as many as he can while he is there."

"We need to worry about getting to the tower before we worry about Naruto booby-trapping it," advises Shino.

They continue on until the sun gets too hot. "We need to find shelter for the hottest part of the day!" commands Kiba.

"Right!" Hinata agrees. "Over there looks like a good place." She points to a rock formation near their position.

The team heads over to the rocks, taking shelter from the sun in their shade.

"Right, we need a plan of action," says Kiba. "Have your bugs returned yet, Shino?"

"Here they come now," says Shino, as a few insects land on his hand. "There is a team from the Stone in our area. Another from the Mist is near to them, but not very close to us. The terrain between us and the tower is treacherous. We will need to proceed with caution."

"I think that we should make for the tower as soon as it is cool enough," says Kiba. "The other teams cannot attack us until the 24 hour mark. We need to make the most of that."

Late in the afternoon, Team Eight sets out again. They make for the tower, doing their best to avoid the teams in their path. Because of the unfamiliar terrain, they are forced to move at a slower pace than they would have liked.

Every so often, they stop so Hinata can scan the area thoroughly with her byakugan. Shino's insects continue to chart the best course through the other teams and the desert.

Slowly, night falls. Team Eight makes camp in as defendable a spot as they can find. Through the darkness of the night, Hinata can see the campfires of other teams springing up through the desert around them. She counts eighteen fires. That means either Naruto's group has already finished, or they stayed in the watchtower.

"Hey guys," says Hinata. "Do you think Naruto's group stayed in the tower?"

Kiba grins. "Knowing them, they'll stay there until the 24 hour mark, then explore the desert, pranking whoever they come across."

"Oh, I suppose you're right."

The next morning they set out early, continuing their constant surveillance. The day passes and the team avoids running into anyone. They had a silent agreement that it would be best to avoid all the other teams.

"Look!" says Hinata, pointing upwards at the tower. Rising into the sky is a column of red light. "There's the flare."

"Are there any teams near us?" demands Kiba.

"Two: one 300 meters West, and the other 104 meters South," reports Shino.

"There's Naruto's group!" says Hinata, pointing to the sky, where Team Kakashi is flying out of the tower on flying pigs. One of the pigs breaks away from the others and swoops towards Team Eight.

"Good luck, you guys!" Naruto calls. "And watch out for my pranks!"

"Right!" Hinata calls back to Naruto.

Naruto swoops away, to join his teammates.

"Darn it, he gave away our position!" growls Kiba.

"No he didn't," says Shino. "His teammates have started swooping down in random patterns. They appear to be taking turns. Perhaps they are encouraging all our friends to do their best."

"S-such behaviour will confuse the teams who don't know Naruto's group," adds Hinata. "But if we take note of where they swoop, we will get a good idea of where the other teams are located."

"We need to avoid them as well," says Kiba. "This is a competition we ALL want to pass, and if too many of us make it to the next round, we'll end up with another of those annoying preliminaries."

"Right," nods HInata.

"We have a clear path to the tower," says Shino. "Follow me and stay on high alert for possible attacks."

"Got it," Hinata and Kiba agree.

"Ruff!" says Akamaru, from inside Kiba's jacket.

They follow Shino through the desert to the tower. Soon they reach it and carefully creep inside.

"Byakugan!" Hinata activates her doujutsu and checks for pranks. They appear to be located in seemingly random places. Hinata examines the trapped rooms and discovers a Water Scroll in each one. "There are traps around each Water Scroll," she tells the boys.

"Let's find a place to hide until someone stumbles into the tower and sets one off," suggests Shino. "Then we can take the scroll it was guarding."

"Good plan," agrees Kiba. The three Leaf genin find a place to lie in wait.

Soon another team enters the tower. It is a team from the Hidden Stone. The head blindly straight into one of the traps and are instantly restrained, splattered with paint and knocked out with some kind of sleeping gas.

Hinata watches the whole thing on her byakugan. "They set off all the traps around a scroll," she tell her team. "The coast is clear. Shall I go and get it?"

"Go," says Shino. "And hurry; there is another team closing in on the tower."

Hinata creeps from their hiding place and speeds towards the room where the team from the Stone lies unconscious. She creeps into the room, and takes the scroll from the top drawer of the desk that adorns one wall of the room. She creeps back out to join her teammates.

"The other team is in the building," says Shino once she is snugly back in the hiding place. "We need to sneak past them."

"So I take it we are avoiding confrontation as much as possible?" says Kiba. "Find us an escape route Hinata."


	29. The Senju Stupid is Contagious

Team Asuma heads straight into the desert, trying to put some distance between themselves and the other teams before the 24 hour mark. They travel until the sun gets too hot and they are forced to stop.

"We will continue as soon as the temperature begins to drop again," says Shin. "It would be best to get as close to the tower as we can before the 24 hour mark. If we can get into the tower before the other teams, we will have a better chance of getting out with a scroll."

"Look!" says Choji, pointing skywards. "There goes Naruto's group!"

"Are they flying pigs?" says Ino, sounding far from impressed. "And I thought Stupid wasn't contagious."

"Stupid has always been contagious," says Shin, feeling the need to set the record straight. "Only one in a thousand people are immune to it. Ironically, Madara Uchiha and Tobirama Senju were two such people. Although Madara often referred to it as 'Senji Stupid'. He left the village out of fear his immunity would break down like the rest of his clan's did."

"You're making that up right?" says Ino, sounding surprised and annoyed.

"Of course not," says Shin. "Part of Root Training involves being diagnosed for Senju Stupid. I am not immune, nor is Sai. We both caught it after leaving the training arena to live amongst regular shinobi. It is more than likely both of you also have the Senju Stupid. It seems to be hereditary as well as contagious."

"That explains my parents' behaviour," says Choji, nodding.

Once the air and ground starts to cool again, Team Asuma makes a break for the tower. They make good time, being careful to keep as much distance between them and the other teams as they can.

Once night falls, they stop and make camp. Shin takes note of how many campfires spring up around them. Eighteen. "Team Kakashi is still at the tower," he tells Ino and Choji. "They will most likely stay there for the night and leave once the flare goes off. What is the likelyhood they are trapping the tower and relocating the scrolls?"

"Very, very likely," says Choji around a mouthful of chips. "They're probably relaxing and having a good time. This test is too easy for those guys. Sai is lucky he is with them."

"Sai is the reason they are at the tower already," points out Shin.

"I doubt it," says Ino. "Naruto can summon giant toads. They would be there by now either way, trust me."

The next morning they set out before the sun is truly over the horizon. They make good time before -

"Look!" yells Choji, pointing skyward. "There's the flare!"

"And there's that tough looking team from the Stone!" adds Ino.

Shin turns to look. There is a team there; the standard two boys and a girl. The girl seems to be in charge. "If you are thinking of attacking us, please don't," says Shin. "We could help you when you make it to the tower."

"Why are you bargaining with them!" hisses Ino. "We can take these guys!"

"I highly doubt that!" snaps back Shin. "You three can barely take me in a fight! I can't fight them on my own."

"Can we at least know your names before you pummel us?" asks Choji.

"I'm not giving my name," says one of the male members of the Stone team.

"Neither am I," concurrs the other.

"Well, I'll give my name," say the girl. "I am Kurotsuchi."

"Nice to meet you," says Choji. "I'm Choji Akimichi."

"Can we stop talking and pummel these guys?" asks one of the Stone boys.

"Of course," says Kurotsuchi.

Shin draws his katana and plants himself in front of his teammates. "Leave us, we are hardly worth your time."

"I'll decide who is worth my time," says Kurotsuchi. She sends an earth style attack at them, knocking Ino and Choji to the ground.

Shin jumps up and attacks one of the Stone boys. The boy easily deflects his attack, following through with one of his own.

Shin is vaguely aware of Ino and Choji trying to defend themselves from the other Stone genin. They are being beaten to the ground.

"Shin!" Ino shouts. "These guys are too strong for us!" she lets out a yelp as she is knocked down by Kurotsuchi.

"INO!" Choji shouts "Expansion jutsu! Human boulder!"

Shin is knocked back, landing beside Ino.

Soon Choji joins him, knocked thoroughly unconscious.

The tree Stone genin advance towards him. "Sorry for being so rough on your teammates," say Kurotsuchi. "But we have to knock out all the competition we can." She prepares to attack Shin.

Shin looks sadly at his comrades. They need medical attention, and fast. "I'm sorry, you guys," he whispers. Then he reaches into his pouch and pulls out his flare. He aims it skywards.

"Is that all you've got?" asks Kurotsuchi. "You could still put up a fight, you know."

"Maybe," says Shin. "But they need medical attention, and how am I to know if any of us will wake up in time to send up a flare before we die of dehydration, blood loss or trauma?"

"Good point," says Kurotsuchi. "I hope you make it next time. You are the sort of ally I would gladly fight beside."

"Good luck on the exam," says Shin, setting off his flare.

The Stone genin leave and soon the Kazekage arrives.

"Hello," says Shin. "I wish to withdraw my team. Those two need medical attention as soon as possible."

"Combat so soon after the 24 hour mark," drones Gaara. "I am not surprised." he lifts up the sand underneath Team Asuma and flies out of the desert with them. He takes them back to the starting point where Asuma sensei is waiting for them.

"You did the right thing, Shin," says Asuma sensei when he sees the state of Ino and Choji. "Who could have done this much damage?"

"A team from the Stone," says Shin as his teammates are tended to by the medical team on standby.

"Did you get their names?" asks one of the jounin from the Stone.

"Only one gave her name: Kurotsuchi," replies Shin.

"I'm surprised she didn't flatten you as well," says the jounin.

"Who is she?" asks Asuma sensei.

"The Tsuchikage's granddaughter."

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Immunity has its Benefits.**

 _Dedicated to the guest_ _ **saiyan hatake**_ _who thinks Tobi is a Hyuuga. Of course he's not, he's the one person who would be a 'challenging opponent' for Naruto. But that's not what the dedications for: no, this omake is dedicated to the comment about Lee with rainbow hair and a pink jumpsuit._

Hiashi Hyuuga is having an excellent day. Today is the day he will announce his plans to the Hyuuga clan. If anyone tries to resist, he will Eight Trigrams 64 Punchline them into the stratosphere. He may need to do it too, considering that he is planning to ban the usage of the Caged Bird Seal.

He is on his way to collect his children to take them to the meeting. They don't know about it yet. After all, he only just called it. Hiding his excitement, Hiashi knocks on Hinata's bedroom door. The Parenting book he got from the mail order catalogue he nicked from the mission desk told him always to knock on your children's bedroom doors or they will hate you forever.

Which reminds him: he needs to return that mail order catalogue.

"C-come in!" says Hinata.

Hiashi opens the door and stops short.

Hinata is putting makeup on Neji while Hanabi ties a pink ribbon in his hair. Neji is dressed in what looks suspiciously like an Ouran Academy girls' uniform. He also looks miserable.

And - "Neji, you have never looked better," says Hiashi, giving his children a thumbs up.

"Why me?" laments Neji.

"I'm next," says Hiashi. "I want a makeover too."

"Yes Touchan!" says Hanabi. "I have just the outfit for you!"

Once Hiashi has had his makeover, he and his children head to the clan meeting. When they enter the meeting house, all eyes turn to stare at them.

Neji blushes furiously. The girls wouldn't let him change for the meeting, so he still looks like Renge Houshakuji.

"Hiashi sama," says one of the clansmen. "Why are you dressed like Lucius Malfoy?"

"Why not?" asks Hiashi, twirling his cane.

"You are a disgrace to the Hyuuga clan," says Hiashi's father.

"Bitch please," says Hiashi. "I look amazing."

"If this is what the Senji Stupid does to people, I'm so glad I'm immune."


	30. Thank Goodness Neji has Byakugan

Team Gai sets off at their maximum pace. Best put as much distance between themselves and the other teams as possible.

"Neji!" shouts Lee above the sound of the air rushing past them. "Would it not be best to make it to the tower as soon as possible? Why are we straying so far away?"

"We need to put distance between us and the other teams," shouts back Neji. "Come the 24 hour mark, it will be an all-out brawl between those who are closest together. If we stay away from the main pack we will have a better chance at reaching the tower!"

"There goes Kakashi sensei's team!" says Tenten, pointing at the sky, where three flying pigs are soaring overhead.

"They will definitely reach the tower first!" calls Lee. "And they will probably trap it from top to bottom before they leave!"

"Then we had best tread carefully in the tower," says Neji. "I can use my byakugan to find the traps, but all the same, we are dealing with a ruthless master prankster."

Team Gai continues until the desert is too hot to travel safely in. They stop for lunch, plan their advance and set out again once the air has sufficiently cooled and no teams are nearby. The team advances cautiously, avoiding other teams, which Neji locates using his byakugan.

When night falls they stop and make camp. It is too cold in the desert to travel at night. Before the sun has fully risen, they set out for the tower, carefully circumventing all the other teams.

"The flare!" calles Lee, pointing towards the tower.

"There goes Kakashi sensei's team," says Tenten, pointing to the sky where three flying pigs are leaving the tower.

"They stayed the night in the tower?" says Neji. "How many traps did they set up?" He watches as one of the ink pigs breaks off from the group and swoops down towards the ground. It soon rejoins the others, only to have one of them break off and swoop towards the ground. Neji takes a closer look. It seems Hinata's team is where the the first pig swooped. There is a team from the mist where the second pig swooped. Now the pigs are taking turns swooping on unsuspecting teams and dropping things on them. "They are coming towards us; get down!"

Team Gai takes cover, only to have team Kakashi land their pigs right in front of them. "Hey guys!" says Naruto. "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing special," says Neji. "We were planning on sneaking into the tower and avoiding all the traps you undoubtedly left for everyone."

"Traps?" Naruto looks confused. Then he grins. "More like Extreme Pranks!"

"Are you going to attack us?" asks Tenten.

"Nah," says Naruto. "We have a scroll, so we don't really have any reason to attack anyone. We're only going to prank people who try to attack us."

"Ah, I see," says Neji. "That is a relief." something catches his eye. "Look over there!" He points back towards the starting point. "Someone let off a flare!"

"I wonder who it was?" muses Sai. "and why they had to let off a flare this early."

"Well, we're off to go sightseeing," smiles Sakura. "You guys have fun avoiding our pranks!"

Team Kakashi strolls off into the desert, leaving a befuddled but determined Team Gai to finish the Second Round.

"Right, let's do this!" says Neji. "To the tower. Avoid the other teams - we need to get this over with quickly!"

Team Gai heads for the tower. Neji examines the tower with his byakugan - it seems that Hinata's team has already left. There are two knocked out teams in the tower already. The tower is indeed rigged, but only in certain places. Neji is willing to bet that there are scrolls near the traps. Neji leads his team into the tower, carefully avoiding traps as he searches for a scroll that they can access without setting off any traps. There is one in the room where one of the foreign teams lies unconscious. Neji leads his team to that room and retrieves the scroll from the bookshelf it is sitting on like it has every right to be there and no business being anywhere else. After they have the Water Scroll firmly in their possession, Team Gai leaves the watchtower.

Continuing to avoid the other teams, Neji leads his team in an arc back to the starting point. The stop before high noon to take shelter from the sun and set off when the air begins to cool again. As night falls, Team Gai stops and makes camp.

"Do you think Naruto's team has finished?" asks Lee.

"Probably," says Neji. "Unless they are still sightseeing."

"That makes sense," nods Tenten. "Do you think we are clear of the other teams yet?"

"We shouldn't need to worry about the ones headed to the tower," says Neji. "But the ones who already have a scroll or will soon have a scroll may be a problem."

"But that is only if they can catch us!" says Lee, fist bumping the air. "We will out run them!"

"It would be more efficient to avoid them!" snaps Tenten.

"It would," says Neji. "But there is no guarantee that we will be able to avoid them completely. Just to be on the safe side, we need to not only keep watch but also set traps around our campsite."

"Right," the other two agree and the three of them set about trapping the area surrounding their campsite.

By morning, there is no one in their immediate vicinity that Neji can see with his byakugan. Team Gai sets off with a clear path back to the finish-line. They make back to the starting line as night is closing in again.

Neji presents their scroll to the proctor on duty, who just so happens to be Temari. "You're the first team to finish," she says, grinning. She inspects the scroll, deems it to be genuine and writes their name at the top of the list of passing teams. There are only ten spots available.

"Who set off the flare just after the 24 hour mark?" asks Lee.

"Shin," she says. "Team Asuma ran into a team from the Stone and got flattened worse than I flattened Tenten in the preliminaries last year."

"Those poor guys," says Tenten. "I hope they will be alright."

"Oh, look!" says Lee, pointing into the desert. "Here comes Team Eight."

Running along with Akamaru bounding at their feet are Hinata, Shino and Kiba. They arrive and present their scroll. "Good, you guys are the second team to pass," says Temari, inspecting their scroll.

"N-neji niisan," says Hinata. "How did you get your scroll?"

"We took one from a room where all Naruto's traps had already been triggered," Neji tells her. "What about you?"

"We hid in the tower and waited until someone blundered into a trap," grins Kiba. "There was another team arriving just as we left. They must be the ones who set off the traps for you guys."

"Traps?" says Temari, confused. "What traps?"

"Naruto's team rigged the rooms with the scrolls in them," Shino informs her.

"Why am I not surprised?" Temari sighs. "So why haven't they finished yet?" she asks. "They must have a scroll by now."

"They've gone sightseeing like they did in the Forest of Death."


	31. Run! She'll Try to Befriend You!

Fu buzzes along happily on her chakra wings, humming to herself. Her teammates trudge along behind her, whispering to each other.

"When will we reach the tower?" asks Fu. "Fu wants to make some friends!"

"Fu, we are not here to make friends!" snaps Yoro. "We are here to retrieve a scroll!"

"Look at the flying pigs!" yells Fu happily, flitting towards them.

"Stay with us, or you will be walking to the tower!" yells Kegon angrily, grabbing Fu by her backpack.

"Aw, but Fu wants to make friends!"

"Fu can make friends once we have completed the Second Round. At the moment the other teams are our enemies!"

"Then let's hurry and finish the second round!" Fu buzzes towards the tower.

"Slow down Fu!" Yoro shouts, running after her. Kegon takes off after them, waving his hands in the air. "There is another team shadowing us!"

"LET'S MAKE FRIENDS WITH THEM!" Fu zoomes off towards the team near them. "LET'S BE FRIENDS!" she yells.

Unfortunately for her, the team is the same Grass team that refused her friendship when she first arrived at the Dorm. "Not you again," groans one of the Grass genin.

"Aw damn, it's her!" says one of the others.

"RUN AWAY!" yells the third. The three Grass genin take his advice and run faster than an adolescent Uchiha runs from a pervert.

"Aw, they ran away," pouts Fu, crossing her arms.

"Let's just get to the tower," sighs Yoro.

Fu's team makes steady progress towards the tower, scaring away every other team they come across with Fu overly enthusiastic attempts to make friends. They reach the watchtower late on the second day of the exams.

They find three immobilized teams already in the tower.

"Naruto was definitely here," says Yoro. "We had best tread carefully."

Unfortunately, they are no match for Naruto's pranks, and before long Fu and her team are hanging from the ceiling of a room near the top of the tower. They are thoroughly knocked out and it is a good thing too, because Yoro and Kegon would not have liked being caught in the same net as Fu while all them were conscious. She has no sense of boundaries AND she would have used it as an opportunity to bond with them. And they would have had no chance of escape.

Karin, Jugo and Suigetsu make the most of Karin and Jugo's sensory and tracking abilities to avoid conflict with any of the other teams.

They make it to the tower not long after the 24 hour mark.

"Look," says Suigetsu, pointing towards the base of the tower. "There goes Neji, Lee and Tenten."

His teammates check out the other team.

"Are we in range of them?" asks Jugo.

"I don't think so," says Karin. "Neji can probably see us if he has his byakugan activated, but we are too far away for them to worry about us, or us to worry about them."

"Let's stick around until they leave," suggests Jugo. "If we avoid the other teams, we can sneak into the tower when no one is there, get a scroll and sneak back to the starting line without any conflict."

"I doubt we will be able to pull that off," says Karin. "How are we supposed to avoid EVERY other team?"

"We will have to skirt a path around them," says Jugo. "it may take us a while."

"Why don't we hide out in the tower?" suggests Karin. "We all saw Naruto's team enter and leave the tower - there is no doubt they rigged it with pranks. All we have to do is lie in wait for some poor suckers to trigger the pranks, grab a scroll and get out of there before anyone else turns up."

"Good plan," agrees Suigetsu. "But we should wait until Neji and them have left before we go in."

The others nod, and the team takes cover to wait out team Gai's time in the watchtower. It isn't long before they leave. Team Taka waits until Team Gai is out of range and moves in. The team finds a secure hiding place and waits for other teams to fall into the traps Naruto's team set throughout the tower. There are already two knocked out teams, but no scrolls near them.

"The pranks seem to be in random places," comments Jugo. "Which means, of course, that they are not."

"Remember what Sasuke sensei said about Naruto's pranks?" says Karin. "He either rigs everything or only the important things. Everything is not rigged, which means-"

"The rigged rooms have scrolls in them!"

"Exactly!" Karin nods. "My Uzumaki Prank Sensors are not going off right now, which means there are no pranks nearby-"

"Wait, you have Prank Sensors?"

"Yes, keep up! We need to find a room that is pranked and lie in wait there."

That is exactly what they do. Not long later, a team from the Hidden Stone comes marching into the tower. This team stumbles right into one of Naruto's pranks. Grinning, Karin takes the scroll that the pranks were guarding.

"Let's stick around and see if we can nab an extra one," suggests Suigetsu. His teammates agree and they lie in wait until Fu's team arrives and bumble straight into a prank. As he takes their second scroll, Suigetsu says to the unconscious team from the Hidden Waterfall, "Sorry guys, but it's all on one and one on all."

Team Taka leaves the tower and heads into the night. Campfires are popping up all over the desert between them and the finish line. The team sneaks through the campfires - there are only 13.

"How many teams do you think have finished?" asks Karin.

"If any have, it will be only Naruto's team," says Jugo. "There are four teams knocked out in the tower and there's us: that accounts for five of the fires. I saw a flare go up not long after the 24 hour mark so that accounts for another team."

"Who is the other team that hasn't lit a fire then?" asks Suigetsu.

Karin stops running. "My sensors are picking up some people nearby who are dying, it could be them!"

Let's go," says Jugo. "Lead the way, Karin."

She nods and leads Team Taka to where a team from the rain is lying in the sand, an empty water bottle beside one of them. "They drank all their water, the idiots!" Karin says. "They probably kept walking through the heat of the day too."

Jugo rummages through the Rain team's bags and takes out their flare. "I am setting off their flare," he says. "Be ready to run as soon as it goes off."

"Fine, but put it in one of their hands so it looks like they set it off," says Karin.

Jugo wraps one of the rain genins' hand around the flare and sets it off, up into the night sky where it can be seen for kilometers. "Let's go," he says, leading his team away from the unfortunate Rain team.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **The Adventures of Hiruzen Sarutobi: An Average Scottish Fistfight.**

 _This one is again dedicated to_ _ **saiyan hatake**_ _, who was the only person to point out the blatant Harry Potter and Ouran Highschool Host Club references I made in the last Omake. (Come on, the rest of you - you won't get an omake dedicated to you if you don't see what I did and where._ _And comment, I don't know if you know if you don't comment - there is nothing worse than having no one to dedicate an omake to.)_

Hiruzen wants some time to himself, away from the crazy _Scotsmen_. So he goes for a walk in the forest. After a while, he decides he needs someone to talk to who speaks his own language, so he summons Enma the Monkey King.

"I told you not to summon me!" scolds the Monkey.

"What's the use of a summon who doesn't want to be summoned?" asks Hiruzen.

"It's not being summoned I don't like," complains Enma. "It's all the fighting you make me do."

"Well this time I summoned you for a chat," says Hiruzen. "I'm in a strange country and I need to see a familiar face."

"Well, that's alright then," says Enma.

The two oldtimers walk through the forest, Hiruzen telling Enma all about his holiday. Their conversation is interrupted when an angry bear attacks them.

"I thought you said there would be no fighting!" Enma pouts as he blocks the angry bear's claws.

"This is Scotland, there's always fighting!" replies Hiruzen.

"RWWAR!" says the bear.

"Let's teach this bear a lesson!" says Enma.

He and Hiruzen then proceed to beat the stuffing out of the bear. In the middle of the fight, they hear the sound of a bear cub crying. The bear, Enma and Hirzen all freeze: Enma's foot is wedged into the bear's cheek, Hiruzen is biting the bear's arm, and the bear has Hiruzen by the ankle and Enma by the tail. They all look at the two cubs who have emerged from the trees.

"Cute…" says Hiruzen. He disentangles himself from the fray and heads over to make friends with the cubs.

A few hours later, the _Scottish village_ gathers to see a most unusual sight. Hiruzen Sarutobi, the elderly ninja who appeared in their village a good half year ago is riding towards them on the back of a rather large bear, with two bear cubs and a giant monkey following along behind.


	32. The Ramen Better be Good

Team Kakashi saunters back to the starting line with seven hours to spare. They hand in their scroll and grin around at the other teams. Only team Kurenai, Team Gai and Team Taka are there.

"So you guys made it, huh?" says Naruto. "How did you get around my pranks?"

"We all waited for another team to set one off," says Neji. "Team Taka even nabbed an extra scroll."

"Sweet," says Naruto. "I don't think anyone else is coming. All the other teams took to fighting each other once the flare went up, and a couple withdrew. Do you know which teams they were?"

"Team Asuma and a team from the Rain," says Karin. "Team Asuma got attacked by a team from the Stone and had to withdraw because of the injuries Ino and Choji sustained. We found the team from the Rain dying of dehydration and made them send up their flare."

Naruto nods. "So it's just us, then. Hopefully we won't be given a preliminary."

The remaining seven hours pass with no other passing teams arriving. The proctors announce the end of the exam and send the failing teams home. The four passing teams are called together to hear the compulsory 'The Country's Strength is the Village and the Village's strength is the Shinobi' speech. Gaara gives the speech as the hosting Kage, but that doesn't stop Naruto from eating a cup of instant ramen during the speech. The assembled Jounin senseis don't try to stop him and neither do the proctors, who have all assembled to stand around looking cool.

Naruto sits down on the ground and eats his cup ramen, listening quietly to Gaara's version of the speech. Before Gaara has finished the first sentence of the speech, the other teams are sitting in the sand, picking their noses and eating whatever food they have on them. Tenten even busts out a picnic blanket for her team. The teams have a merry old time while they are listening to Gaara.

"And that concludes the compulsory 'The Country's Strength is the Village and the Village's strength is the Shinobi' speech," finishes Gaara. "Now I'll be handing you over to the proctor for the final round, which will take place in the Hidden Leaf."

There is swirl of leaves and and a rush of cold air. A miniature tornado swirls through the picnicking genins, who shield their eyes from the the sharply cutting leaves. The tornado comes to a stop in a whirl of leaves, wind and smoke beside Gaara. As the smoke clears, the genin teams make out a Leaf headband, a chunin vest, a sadistic grin, and-

"IRUKA-NII!" yells Naruto, flinging himself upon the new arrival.

"Hello Naruto," says Iruka-nii, patting Naruto on the head. "Please go back to your seat until the formalities are over."

"Yes sensei!" Naruto salutes and runs back to his spot beside Hinata. He sit down, attention riveted on Iruka-nii.

"You have all met me before," says Iruka-nii. "But for those of you who don't remember: I am Iruka Umino. I am your proctor for the final round of the Chunin exams."

"We're screwed!" whispers Tenten to Karin.

"I heard that, Tenten," says Iruka-nii mildly. "Don't worry, I have a pre established format to follow for the final round. As is the case for every chunin exams, the final round will be a tournament which is scheduled to take place in the Hidden Leaf exactly 30 days from now. Further details on the date and time will be sent to each candidate exactly one week before the scheduled day."

"So how are we going to decide who fights who in the first round?" asks Kiba.

Iruka-nii grins maniacally. "We aren't."

"Then how are we going to know who we'll be fighting in the first round?" demands Kiba.

"You aren't going to know," says Iruka-nii seriously. "That will be decided on the day, by my old friend the randomization computer."

"Not that again!" Neji looks horrified. "Whose idea was it to put you in charge of the Final Round anyway?"

"It was Hayate as far as I know," says Iruka-nii. "Apparently he put in a formal request for me to be made the proctor."

"We are so screwed," says Tenten, burying her face in her hands.

"Is there something we're missing?" asks Jugo, looking from one depressed Leaf genin to another.

Sakura sighs. "You'll see, come the Final Round."

"Oh, okay."

"So we won't know who we are fighting until the actual match?" asks Naruto. "Does that hold for round two as well?"

"Of course," says Iruka-nii. "There will be six matches in the first round, three in the second round and one three way battle in the final round. The pairings for round one will be chosen randomly by my friend the randomization computer. The winners of those matches will go on to the second round. The pairings for the second round will also be chosen by the computer. The third round will be fought by the winners from those three matches. Is that clear?"

Suigetsu put up his hand. "So the final round will be fought by three people, in an all against one and one against all match?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"Oh."

"Any more questions? No? Then you are dismissed!"

"Sweet!" Naruto jumps up and makes a beeline for Iruka-nii. Throwing his arms around his big brother, Naruto says, "I pranked everybody!"

"Ah, that makes sense," nods Iruka-nii, ruffling Naruto's hair. "This is one of the smallest groups passing the second round we've had in a while."

"Really?" Naruto looks surprised.

"Yes, usually, they have to get rid of a few people." Iruka-nii grins. "There's a ramen shop near here, do you wanna go get some?"

"Yes!" Naruto grins. "Let's go!" He turns to his teammates. "I'll see you guys later!"

Iruka-nii leads him off to the ramen place. "So," he says once they are out of earshot. "I cornered Jiraiya and Kakashi earlier today. As a result, you will be training with me for the second round of exams. Do you wanna train in the Leaf or the Mist?"

Naruto considers this. "I want to train in the Mist!" he decides. Then he sighs. "The ramen there better be good."

Iruka laughs and puts Naruto on the head. "Don't worry, it is."

...

 _ **AN:**_ _Just in case you were curious, we flipped a coin to decide where he would train. And the matches for the final round are - with the exception of one match - completely randomized, including the outcomes (we only planned one match and if you can guess which one, then you get an omake dedicated to you). Some of the pairings that come out of our match-randomization system made us laugh._


	33. What's the Issue with Iruka Proctoring?

The day of the Tournament dawns. Cloudy with a chance of the blood of genins - I mean rain, said the weather forecast the night before. Itachi is looking forward to actually seeing the chunin exams this time around. It will be a sight to behold. The Tsuchikage is present, as is the Kazekage, even though they do not have any teams in the final round. Apparently, they are there to see the Orange Terror prank some people. And maybe Gaara is there to see just how much Lee has really healed. The Mizukage is not present because she is too pregnant to travel.

Itachi takes his seat next to Sasuke and settles down to watch. "How do you think our little students will do?" He asks Sasuke.

"They will be fine," says Sasuke. "Provided they don't end up facing Naruto or Inner Sakura."

"Who's Inner Sakura?" asks Itachi, intrigued.

"That's what Sakura calls her violent alter-ego," explains Sasuke.

To anyone who did not know the finer points of speaking Uchiha, the entire conversation would have looked like 'shrug, hn, shrug, hn'. Kisame arrives with Nagato, who managed to sneak some green spandex underneath his Akatsuki cloak.

"Is Karin still burning your spandex?" asks Itachi, in proper words this time.

"Yes," whispers Nagato, "so don't tell her I'm wearing the ones I got from Gai-san after she left for the arena."

"Hn," smirks Sasuke, meaning 'we should totally tell her.'

Konan arrives with popcorn, chips and L&P. "These imported drinks are the best," she says, passing round the L&P.

"Shh, it's about to start," says Kisame. "I want to know why the genins from last year look so frightened and that Hayate guy over there looks so smug."

Sasuke grins. "Mummy would be proud," he says.

Now Itachi is intrigued. What is the problem with Iruka being made the proctor? (Aside from the fact that they had to move the randomization computer to the arena, that is.)

"Alright, everyone," says Iruka, his voice carrying to all parts of the stadium with ease. "The matches are about to start. Every match except the final one will be decided randomly. Now, please wait while we choose the first match." He pulls out a remote, points it as the randomization computer and pushes a button.

The names stat to spin and finally come to a stop on "Hone Heke VS Theodore Roosevelt".

Dead silence fills the stadium.

Then Tsunade's voice yells, "They aren't contestants! Run it again, Iruka!"

"Yes, Lady Tsunade," says Iruka, pushing another button.

The screen changes to "Rock Lee VS Hinata Hyuuga".

That gets a reaction from the crowd. People start cheering and whispering, saying things like, "another Hyuuga in the first round, this happened last time" and "a taijutsu showdown, this ought to be good".

"Right, then," says Iruka. "Hinata and Lee, stay here. The rest of you go up to the waiting area." The other contestants scramble out of the arena and Iruka shouts, "Begin!"

"I had hoped to be fighting Neji," says Lee, taking up his fighting stance.

"S-s-o did I," says Hinata. "But o-only the wi-winner will have a ch-chance at facing him."

"Then let us both fight to win and progress to the next round!" says Lee, grinning.

Itachi watches with rapt attention.

Hinata charges and Lee dodges out of the way. Hinata narrowly misses getting a hit. Lee takes a swing at Hinata, only to be knocked over when she starts up the Heavenly Spin. Lee takes off his leg weights - which appear quite weighty (father would facepalm at that pun) - and charges at Hinata again. She gets into an odd stance. It is like the Eight Trigrams 64 Palms, but there is something different about it.

"Eight Trigrams," says Hinata charging Lee. "One Pun!"

Lee is forced to facepalm himself.

"Two puns! Four puns! Eight puns! Sixteen puns!"

Instead of attacking his chakra points, Hinata forces Lee to either facepalm himself or giggle - the two main reactions to puns.

"Thirty Two puns!" Hinata goes on. "Eight Trigrams, Sixty Four PUNS!"

The final face palm knocks Lee backwards.

"So this is the secret power of the Hyuuga clan," says Itachi, not sure whether he should laugh or facepalm. It seems the Hyuuga clan has the Senju Stupid quite badly, unless they have their own brand of Stupid?.

Lee looks exhausted. Itachi thinks that if the boy wants to be a chunin, now would be a good time to acknowledge defeat. As if Itachi's thought's were spoken aloud in the boy's ear, Rock Lee says, "I surrender, I cannot stand before such comedic might."

"Y-you're giving up?" asks Hinata, surprised.

"If I were to continue the fight," pants Lee, his forehead one big bruise from the facepalming. "There is no guarantee I will win. And if I do, I will have no energy left for the next match. I will have to trade blows and punch lines with you another time!" he strikes a nice-guy pose, complete with tooth sparkle.

"Those two will most likely be made chunin," comments Nagato.

"The winner is Hinata Hyuuga!" declares Iruka. "Please leave the arena so we can continue with the next match!"

The contestants leave the arena.

All eyes turn to the randomization computer. After rolling through all the names it settles on "Gandalf the Grey VS Albus Dumbledore".

"What is this?" yells someone from the crowd. "A comedy fanfiction?"

Many more yells and 'boo's ring across the arena. Somewhere a group of people is trying to say above the din: "I actually want to see that match!"

Grinning, Iruka changes the screen's results.

"Karin Uzumaki VS Kiba Inuzuka," says the screen.

"Why do I always end up fighting the Uzumakis?" demands Kiba loudly.

"Kick his ass, Karin!" cheers Nagato.


	34. Self Aware Computer?

Nagato watches proudly as Karin faces Kiba in the arena.

"Begin!" commands Iruka.

Kiba puts his hat in the ground - oh, wait, that's a dog, not a hat. "You are going down, Uzumaki," grins Kiba.

The hat-dog barks.

"Nope," grins Karin. "I'm standing still."

"NO! DON'T USE PUNS JUST BECAUSE HINATA DID!" yells Kiba, waving his hands around.

"So you ARE easy to get worked up," says Karin, nodding. "Hit me with your best shot!" she challenges, pulling out a kunai.

"Who do you think will win?" asks Nagato, turning to Konan.

"Karin will," says Konan. "Just watch."

"Well, you asked for it!" says Kiba, making a handsign. "Wolf Fang Over Fang!" the boy transforms into a giant turning drill-thing, as does his dog. They swerve and head straight for Karin.

Karin grins and two chains erupt from her back. One wraps around Kiba and the other wraps around his hat - dog. It's a dog. Both boy and hat-dog are suspended in midair for a brief second before Karin uses her chains to throw them together. They fall to the ground, both thoroughly knocked out.

"The winner is Karin!" announces Iruka.

"Damn," says Sasuke. "Six months ago, she was so useless she couldn't take out a large bear."

"Well, I have been training her," says Konan.

"So have I," says Nagato, smugly. "But not as much as Konan has."

"And now for the next match," says Iruka, raising his hand and pressing a button on the remote.

"Qrow Branwen VS Edward Elric," says the randomization computer.

"Those two have the same voice as me," comments Nagato to Konan.

"How do you even know who they are?" asks Itachi mildly. "And come to think of it, how does _Iruka_ know who they are?"

Meanwhile, the rest of the audience is in an uproar of laughs and boos. Finally someone shouts, "Give us the REAL match!"

"Neji Hyuuga VS Shino Aburame," amends the computer.

Neji and Shino make their way down to the arena.

"This match could go either way," says Sasuke, although to the vast majority it sounded like he said 'hn'.

"Begin!" says Iruka, making an epic slicing motion with his arm.

Neji and Shino don't say anything. They just get straight to the fighting. Shino sends a swarm of bugs at Neji, who palm-rotations them out of the arena. More of Shino's bugs crawl out of the ground and start climbing up Neji's legs. Neji simply pumps chakra out of his chakra points and fries them with a chakra overload. Then he charges at Shino and hits him with an air palm. Shino goes flying across the ring and lands in a heap by a tree. Neji follows up with the Eight Trigrams 64 Palms, sending Shino flying to the other side of the arena. Shino's insects start to crawl towards Neji, who does a perfect heavenly spin and sends both Shino and his bugs flying into the walls of the arena. Shino does not move.

"Wow," says Iruka. "That's the first match in 20 years where no one has even said a single word to their opponent. Oh yeah, and Neji wins."

"Wow, there are a lot of chatterboxes in the shinobi world," says Sasuke.

"Sure, let's go with that," says Itachi.

Nagato realizes just what it is about Itachi that is so different to everyone else. Itachi does not have the Senji Stupid. How is that even possible? As far as Nagato knows, no one is immune to the Senju Stupid.

"And now the next match!" announces Iruka as Shino is carried out of the arena by medics and Neji heads back to the waiting area.

"Aslan VS The Sage of the Six Paths," the computer tells the audience.

"The Sage of the Six Paths isn't real!" someone yells. (Somewhere in the spirit realms, the Sage of the Six Paths sneezes violently.)

"I wanna actually see that match!" yells someone else.

"IRUKA!" yells Tsunade. "Get on with the actual match!"  
"Jugo VS Sai," says the computer.

"I was not expecting that," says Itachi. "This should be interesting."

Jugo and Sai make their way into the arena.

"Hello," says Sai, smiling a rather fake looking smile. "I hope this fight will be worth all this trouble."

"What trouble?" asks Jugo. "These exams are fun."

Sai grins, pulls out his scroll and ink and draws a giant dragon. The dragon roars and flies at Jugo. Jugo transforms to partial Rage Mode and, forming an axe with his arm he cuts the dragon's head off.

"Is he in control of that?" asks Nagato.

"He has about 50% control," says Itachi.

Jugo swipes at Sai, who dodges and draws his tanto and takes swing at Jugo. Jugo's arm-axe collides with Sai's tanto and they stand with their blades locked together for a few tense seconds. Sai jumps backwards as Jugo takes a swing with his other arm, which is also transformed now, although this one is transformed into a giant, scaly, clawed hand. Sai tries to attack Jugo again, but Jugo easily swipes at him and sends him flying into the arena wall. Sai does not get up. Jugo's Rage Mode ebbs away.

"The winner is Jugo!" declares Iruka.

The audience erupts into cheers. Jugo goes back to the waiting area and medics carry Sai away.

"And the next match is," says Iruka.

"General Iroh VS General Ironwood," says the computer.

"DAMMIT IRUKA!" hollors Tsunade.

"I mean 'Suigetsu Hozuki Vs Tenten'," amends the computer.

"Is the computer becoming self-aware?" asks Nagato, concerned.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **#Fugaku'sFactsOfLife**

 _Yay, 60 followers… but I really would prefer snarky comments that are worth dedicating omakes to. (And, you know… people getting the ton of references I'm making in the dud matches. Seriously, only, like, 10 of you comment, what's up with that? I thought people_ like _to be able to yell their opinions at the writers...)_

Sarada peers down at her new baby brother. He is pink and chubby, with wisps of hair several shades of darker pink than her mother's. It almost looks red. In fact, the whole baby almost looks red. He does not look happy AT ALL. Infact, Sarada would go as far as to say her new brother looks like he wants to kill someone.

"I guess you didn't like being born, huh," she says, reaching over the side of his hospital cot to poke his tummy.

"Gah," says the baby in agreement.

Meanwhile, their parents are arguing about what to call him.

"NO WE ARE NOT CALLING HIM 'YEOMAN MYSTER THE CROWN PRINCE OF WORCHESTER SAUCE'!" Yells Mummy. "SHUT UP KAKASHI SENSEI. YOU ARE NOT BEING HELPFUL!"

"At this rate, they won't decide on a name until you're 35," sighs Sarada.

"Baa," says her brother bad temperedly.

"Why don't you let Sarada name him?" says Uncle Itachi softly.

Everyone turns to Uncle Itachi.

"What?" says Mummy.

"We can't decide on a name," says Daddy. "That doesn't seem like a bad idea."

"Sure," says the medic with the clipboard of the new baby's information on it. "Let the eleven year old name the baby."

"Sarada," says Daddy. "You may name your brother whatever you like: we will not argue."

"Sweet!" says Sarada. She smiles radiantly, and picks up her brother. "I name you Tobirama, after the Second Hokage!" she announces.

"That's...actually a good name," says the medic, surprised.

"Why?" asks Uncle Itachi. "The Second Hokage hated the Uchiha."

Uncle Naruto is laughing in the background. Sarada glares at him. "The Second Hokage is the BEST Hokage!"

"No!" laments Naruto. "You are supposed to say I'M the best Hokage!"

"Fact Of Life:" says Sarada educationally. "You are a poor excuse for a Hokage. The Second Hokage will always be the best."

"Yeah," says Kakashi. "What Kage does their own paperwork?"

"Shut up, Sixth!" says Uncle Naruto, curling up in the fetal position, a black cloud hanging above his head.

"Who told you about Facts Of Life?" asks Daddy curiously. "I don't remember mentioning them to you."

"You mean Facts Of Life are a thing?"

"Damn Straight," says Itachi. "Facts Of Life, or more correctly Fugaku's Facts Of Life, were your Grandfather's thing; like 'damn straight' was your Grandmother's thing."

"Gaa!" says Tobirama happily.


	35. Kurama VS Inner Sakura?

Tenten and Suigetsu make their way down to the arena, sizing each other up. Hiashi wonders which of these two will win. He has a rough idea of what Tenten can do because she is on Neji's team, but for Tenten the kid from the Rain is a mystery.

"Begin!" says Iruka.

Hiashi was glad when Iruka left, but he is also glad - to a certain point - that he is back in the Leaf for a few days. The chunins and jounins in the Leaf were getting a bit lax in their report writing of late.

Anyway, the match. Tenten has pulled out a pair of nunchucks and is trying to hit Suigetsu with them. Suigetsu simply turns to a puddle of water. Tenten pulls out a kunai with an exploding tag attached to it and throws it into the puddle. The puddle gets away from the exploding tag, and fast. Tenten pulls out a quarterstaff and charges Suigetsu, who is now turning solid again. He quickly turns back to liquid.

"Is that all you've got?" asks Tenten, grinning. "This is going to be a boring match if you are only going to turn to water every time I try to hit you."

Suigetsu rises out of the puddle, a giant sword in his hands. The sword is almost as big as he is. Hiashi recognizes it as the Executioner's Blade.

"You wanna fight weapon to weapon?" says Suigetsu. "It will be my pleasure. I didn't go on a road trip to the Land of Waves to give Zabuza nii-sama a proper gravestone so I could take his mantle as the wielder of the Executioner's Blade only to not use it."

Tenten grins. "Let's do this," she says and takes a swing with her staff.

Suigetsu blocks her strike with his sword and kicks Tenten away. Tenten stumbles backwards but quickly recovers. She and Suigetsu continue to trade blows until Suigetsu cuts Tenten's staff in half and takes a swing at her neck. He stops his blade just before it touches her skin.

"If this was a real battle, you would be dead," he says.

Tenten looks very, very afraid. "I yield," says Tenten. "Two more centimeters and I would be dead."

"Suigetsu wins!" announces Iruka.

Tenten and Suigetsu leave the arena.

"Now for the final match!" says Iruka.

"The Log VS Clucky," says the computer.

Hiashi facepalms.

"IRUKA!" yells Lady Tsunade.

"Sakura Haruno VS Naruto Uzumaki," says the computer. "As if there was any doubt."

Sakura and Naruto are already heading down into the arena.

"BEGIN!" yells Iruka.

"Let's do this, shannaro!" yells Sakura. She takes a swing at Naruto with a chakra-enhanced punch. Naruto jumps out of the way and throws some kind of prank at Sakura. She deflects it easily. It turns out Tsunade still wins over Iruka. Naruto tries to prank Sakura again, but Sakura continues to deflect everything he throws at her. Likewise, everything that Sakura throws at Naruto is dodged or deflected.

Finally, Sakura cracks her knuckles and says, "I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice." she makes a hand sign and says, "Personally Tailored Sexy Jutsu!" There is a puff of smoke and Sakura transforms in Hinata.

Hiashi freezes.

The smoke clears revealing Hinata's lack of clothing, but it sits in convenient places, so the audience doesn't see anything.

Hiashi sees red.

He activates his byakugan and runs for the arena. He is going to kill that pink girl!

"Sakura," says Naruto, holding his hand over his nose to catch the blood from his nosebleed. "Hinata's boobs are bigger than that. Did you use your own for inspiration?"

Sakura lets out a yelp of indignation and releases the transformation.

Iruka appears in front of Hiashi and prevents him from entering the arena. "Do not interfere in the match," orders Iruka.

Naruto feels annoyed with Sakura, how dare she use Hinata for a sexy jutsu and not even be accurate?

 _That is not the issue here!_ Yells Kurama, sounding mad. _Look at Hinata!_

Naruto looks up at the waiting area. Shino, Sai, Suigetsu, Jugo and Tenten are all holding Neji back, stopping him from jumping down into the arena. Neji looks mad. Hinata is passed out with a look of horror on her very red face. Kiba and Karin are trying to wake her. Naruto wonders if Sakura thought of the effect that the sexy jutsu would have on Hinata.

 _Sakura just tried to use your girl against you!_ Roars Kurama. _How dare she sink so low? Are you going to let her get away with that?_

 _She...Used…Hinata...Against...Me._ Naruto realizes slowly. Anger fills him. "You used Hinata...to...defeat me. How. Could. You."

Sakura's face turns pale.

Naruto feels a sudden rush of power as both his and Kurama's anger floods through his body.

Sasuke pales when he sees Naruto transform, taking on fox-like features and a cloak of red chakra. The chakra cloak forms a tail and Naruto, now on all fours, roars. He charges Sakura, sending her flying into the arena wall. Sakura does not move after she falls to the ground. The cloak of red chakra ebbs away and Naruto falls to his knees, minor burns on his skin start to heal with a hissing noise.

"Remind me never to use Hinata against Naruto," says Sasuke, thoroughly shaken by what he has just witnessed.

Iruka sensei reappears in the arena and checks Sakura's condition. Then after checking Naruto's condition, Iruka declares, "The winner by knockout is Naruto."

Kakashi appears beside Sasuke. "What did I miss?" he asks.

"The entire first round," says Sasuke.

"There will now be a 20 minute interval!" announces Iruka. "After which we will have Rounds Two and Three."

"I'm getting some dango," says Itachi, and wanders off.

"I need to get more snacks for the next rounds," says Konan and strides away to get some.

Sasuke sees the finalists leave the waiting area to find Team Ten and Sasuke. No sooner has the entire Rookis 12, as they were nicknamed in the last exam, plus Team Taka, Sai and Shin arrived at Sasuke's location than Iruka sensei appears and picks up Naruto by his collar.

Throwing Naruto over his shoulder, Iruka says, "You're coming with me, and we are going to Ichiraku's." he turns to Sasuke and says, "If we aren't back in fifteen minutes, come and find us."

"Hn," agrees Sasuke, and Iruka shunshins away with Naruto still over his shoulder.

"Okay, seriously, what did I miss?" asks Kakashi, serious this time.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **A True Hyuuga has Pretty Hair.**

 _This one is dedicated to_ _ **ArturoLJ50**_ _because even I didn't realize I was turning the Randomization computer into GLaDOS, but I pretty much am, aren't I?_

"And then I awakened my byakugan and beat up Boruto!" chatters Himawari as she braids Grandpa Hiashi's hair. "But Daddy tried to stop me, so I knocked him out!"

"Well, Boruto shouldn't break your things," says Grandpa Hiashi. The parenting book he got from the mail order catalogue which he still hasn't returned to the mission office didn't say he couldn't pick sides with his grandchildren. He does it all the time, especially with Neji's kids.

"But now Kurama-chan is scared of me," says Hima-chan sadly.

Grandpa Hiashi wonders if Hima-chan knows how amazing a feat it is to terrify a biju. Probably not, since she grew up among them.

"THERE!" she says, happy again. "All finished! Now your hair is as pretty as mine!"

Grandpa Hiashi pulls his Granddaughter onto his lap and hugs her. She is unlawfully cute. "I don't think my hair will ever be as pretty as yours," he tells her. "It's far too past it's heyday."

"Silly Grandpa!" giggles Hima-chan. "Hima-chan's hair is pretty because she gets it from Grandpa!"

"No, Hima-chan has Mummy's hair!"

"And Mummy's hair is pretty like Grandpa's!" says Hima-chan triumphantly. "Will Grandpa be a horsie so Hima-chan can be a _Scottish warrior_?"

"Of course," says Grandpa Hiashi, and lets Hima-chan pretend he is her horsie.

Out of the corner of his eye, Grandpa Hiashi sees his father, now very, very old, watching disapprovingly. "You two are a disgrace to our family," he says.

"Great-gramps is the disgrace!" yells Hima-chan. "Charge, Grandpa-Horsie! Let us kill the infidel! Byakugan!"


	36. Battle of the Sages

Sasuke finds Iruka sensei and Naruto at Ichiraku, still stuffing their faces.

"Kurama was angrier than I was," Naruto is saying. "I don't even know he could lose his temper like that."

"Kurama is actually known for his awful temper, Naruto," Iruka sensei replies. "The two of you scared the audience pretty badly."

"Well, Sakura shouldn't use my jutsu without knowing the unspoken rule that you never use it in front of a huge crowd of people, only a few," grumps Naruto. "And only if you know most of them. And you never turn into someone the person you're tricking knows. That's offencive."

"You actually have rules for the use of that jutsu?" says Sasuke, making his presence known.

"Of course," says Naruto. "Hey Bastard."

"Hi Idiot," says Sasuke. "It's almost time for the Second Round. You two need to get your asses back to the arena."

"We'll be right there," says Iruka sensei.

Sasuke shinshins back to his seat in the arena, where various genins and members of Akatsuki are trying to get Kakashi up to speed on what went down in the first round. Tenten has pulled out her giant picnic blanket, and Choji and Konan are piling their snacks up in the center.

"What's going on here?" asks Sasuke. "I was gone for literally two minutes and you're already starting a picnic?"

"Pretty much," says Choji. "Besides, we figured that you going off to find Iruka sensei ment the next round is about to start, so we thought it would be a good time to get our snacks ready."

"Hn," says Sasuke. And for once, he actually means 'hn'.

Iruka reappears with Naruto under his arm and dumps Naruto on the picnic blanket. "You guys can stay here if you like, but make sure you come down quickly and promptly when your name is drawn," Iruka tells the Second Rounders.

"Get ready, you lot," says Kakashi. "Anyone of you could be called, right?"

"Hn," says Sasuke, by which he means, 'you don't get to say that, you just got here, loser.'

"Don't call me a loser, Sasuke!" says Kakashi. "I am your sensei!"

"I traded you in for Nagato," says Sasuke, but he shortened it to 'hn'.

"Alright everyone!" Iruka sensei's voice cuts through the din the crowd is making. "The Second Round will begin now!" A hush settles on the crowd.

"In this round," continues Iruka sensei. "The winners of the First Round will be paired up randomly using the Randomization computer. Now to select the competitors for the first match!"

The computer turns on and starts rolling through names. Then it settles on, "Professor Port VS The Mad King."

"They aren't contestants!" someone yells.

"Who are they, anyway!?" someone else hollars.

"Give us the real match!" Tsunade roars.

"Right, sorry," comes up on the computer screen. "I still have all these names from the Death Battles I did last year." Then it changes to "Battle of the Sages," and then: "no, hold on, it should be: Jugo VS Naruto Uzumaki."

"Sweet!" says Naruto, vaulting over the railing and into the arena.

Jugo follows. Once he is facing Naruto in the arena he says, "This is indeed a battle of the Sages. You have mastered the Toad Sage Arts and my Rage Mode is actually the hereditary Sage Art of my clan."

"Well, it will only be a battle of the Sages if I can actually enter Sage mode," says Naruto. "Is it forbidden, Iruka-nii?"

"Nope," says Iruka sensei. "Why would we ban a technique that most people can't use anyway? LET THE MATCH BEGIN!"

Jugo grins. Then he transforms into his full Rage Mode, all claws and scales and huge grinning teeth. Naruto makes a ton of shadow clones, while the real one vanishes. Where is he? Sasuke wonders, scanning the arena with his mangekyou. Ah, there he is, several feet below ground, using the Headhunter Jutsu to hide him while he gathers nature chakra. And the only reason he can get away with that is because Jugo is not completely aware of what he is doing while in Rage Mode. He is more self aware than he used to be, but not enough to figure out Naruto's ruse. Jugo plows through the Shadow Clones, popping them one by one. The Shadow Clones are up to something. But what is it?

One of the Shadow Clones bursts, letting loose a tidal wave of soap bubbles.

Oh. That's what they were up to.

Jugo is covered in seconds. He lets out a yell and starts attacking the bubbles instead of the Shadow Clones.

Most of the Shadow Clones burst, leaving just one standing. That one is forming a rasengan. Sasuke has seen Naruto form a rasengan before, but most of the audience hasn't. The is a collective gasp of surprise. As the rasengan is forming, a cloak of red chakra travels down Naruto's arm, into the rasengan, and mixes with Naruto's chakra, turning the Rasengan purple.

"It's purple!" says Kakashi, sounding gobsmacked. "Minato sensei's was blue!"

"Where's Jiraiya sensei?" asks Nagato. "He would know."

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Jiraiya since Iruka pinched Naruto off us and took him to the Mist for training," says Kakashi.

"Yeah, where is Jiraiya sensei?" wonders Konan.

The Shadow Clone with the Rasengan runs at Jugo, slamming the spinning ball of purple chakra into the frantic, bubble killing boy. Jugo goes flying backwards and the Shadow Clone bursts.

Then the real Naruto rises out of the ground. The skin around his eyes is orange and his eyes are golden, with vertical rectangular pupils. "Now we can begin the true Battle of the Sages," he says, all seriousness.

Sasuke is suddenly afraid for Jugo.

Jugo, still in his own Sage/Rage Mode, charges at Naruto. Naruto pulls out a pineapple and throws it at Jugo's head, knocking him out.

"The winner of the Sage off is Naruto!" says Iruka.

"That was... _odd_." says Konan.


	37. The Greatest Rematch EVER

The audience is a little confused. When was the last time someone beat their opponent in such an anticlimactic, yet glorious way? Iruka smiles to himself. His own go at the chunin exams was similarly confounding to the audience.

Now, there is the small matter of the next match. "And now, the next match!" announces Iruka, pushing the button for the computer.

"Make it people who are actually supposed to be fighting!" yells a spectator.

"Sasuke Uchiha VS The Cooties," says the computer.

Iruka is sure he didn't program the computer with this one. In fact, half of these matches were not of his design. Did Hayate do this to get back at him?

"What the Kishimoto is going on with the computer?!" demands Tsunade.

Iruka looks up at Hayate and sees the give away grin on his face. "The computer is becoming self-aware," says Iruka. Two can play at this prank. Hayate's smile falters.

"Sorry, wrong match," says the computer screen.

Hayate looks at Iruka making the ninja hand signal that means 'did you do that?'

'No,' Iruka signs back. 'I take it you didn't either?'

'Then who did?' asks Hayate, looking slightly terrified.

"I'm sorry," reads the computer screen. "Wrong fight. I meant: Hinata Hyuuga VS Neji Hyuuga."

"Didn't we already have this match last year?" yells Kiba voice.

"Ever heard of a rematch!" yells Naruto.

Hinata and Neji leap down into the arena.

"I will not go easy on you, Lady Hinata," says Neji.

"I will not go easy on you either, Neji niisan," replies Hinata with more confidence than Iruka has ever seen in her.

"Begin!" commands Iruka, stepping out of the two Hyuugas' way.

The two Hyuugas take mirroring gentle fist stances. Blue chakra manifests around Hinata's arms and takes the form of blue, stylized lions. "Twin Lionfists!" she says and charges at Neji.

He counters with Eight Trigrams Vacuum Palm, knocking Hinata over. "Why are you lion around?" he asks.

Hinata pulls herself to her feet and says, "Oh, do you need to vacuum here? I'll just get out of your way. I know you take your cleaning seriously."

"Seriously, though, the Hyuuga clan's traditions need some cleaning up and sorting through. The way the elders horde and protect tradition you'd think it was an endangered species."

"Oh, the traditions aren't the endangered species," says Hinata. "The branch house is. After all, it will vanish soon."

"Vanish like your stutter - or bowls of ramen in an eating contest between you and your father."

"Or like your dignity once I've wiped the arena floor clean with your hair!"

"If you had any of your own, you wouldn't need to use mine."

"Less is more: my hair is prettier than yours."

"Indeed it is," admits Neji. "You have won this battle: I admit defeat."

"Winner of the battle of wit: Hinata!" announces Iruka, glancing up at the section of the crowd composed of the entire Hyuuga clan. Hiashi is smiling and nodding in pride and satisfaction. It seems that Hiashi has been training his daughter in the secret Hyuuga art of outwitting your opponent with plays on words.

The two Hyuugas leave the arena.

"The next match better be an exciting one!" yells someone from the crowd.

The Randomization Computer changes from; "Neji Hyuuga VS Hinata Hyuuga" to "Princess Azula VS Cinder Fall."

There is a profound hush in the arena.

Then Hayate's voice rings out, "Who is controlling the computer?"

"I have no idea," says Iruka. "It is definitely acting on its own."

"Oh, sorry, I thought you knew what the next match would be," says the computer. "It's obviously Suigetsu VS Karin."

"The computer's alive!" screams someone in the audience.

"Don't be silly," says Iruka. "It's obviously someone's programming. Now could Suigetsu and Karin get down here for their match?"

The two Rain genin make their way into the arena as the computer screen changes to read "Suigetsu Hozuki VS Karin Uzumaki".

Once Suigetsu and Karin are in position Iruka announces, "Begin!"

"Um," says Suigetsu. "I ain't goin' easy on you, just cause you only began your formal training six months ago."

"And I won't go easy on you just because you lived half your life in a fishtank!" counters Karin.

"Less talking, more hitting each other!" jeers an audience member.

Karin and Suigetsu pull out kunai and start to trade blows like regular ninjas. Then Karin launches a few chakra chains at Suigetsu. Suigetsu simply turns to liquid and sloshes out of the way. Then Suigetsu points a finger at Karin and fires a bullet of water out of his finger. Karin uses her chains to deflect the bullet, but Suigetsu is already behind her, holding the Executioner's Blade to her neck.

"Dead," says Suigetsu.

Karin lets out a yelp and says, "I surrender!"

"The winner is Suigetsu!" announces Iruka. "There will be a five minute break while the finalists ready themselves for the final match!"

The audience erupts into applause and cheers.


	38. What Happened in the Interval

Karin knew something was off about Nagato-touchan. But what?

She stares hard at him, holding her glasses up in front of her eyes to get a better look. Naruto accidently knocks Nagato-touchan's cloak away from his legs revealing green tights.

AH HA! Karin pounces. She pulls open Nagato-touchan's Akatsuki cloak, revealing the green spandex he is wearing underneath.

"I like them, okay!" says Nagato-touchan, trying to hide the spandex from Karin again.

"THEY ARE YOUTHFUL AND BEAUTIFUL!" declares Might Gai. "I WEEP TO HAVE TO ADMIT THAT MY SIGNATURE OUTFIT LOOKS FAR BETTER ON YOU THAN ME, NAGATO SAMA!" he clenches his fists as rivers of tears flow from his eyes.

"I don't care how good they look on you," says Karin firmly. "You are not wearing green spandex fullbody tights!"

Nagato-touchan looks so sad that Karin almost lets him keep them.

Almost.

"Do they look okay on me?" asks Konan sensei, all serious and straightfaced.

Karin turns to her sensei to see Konan standing, her Akatsuki cloak over her arm, in green spandex like the ones Gai sensei, Lee and Nagato-touchan are wearing.

"YOU LOOK AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND YOUTHFUL!" says Gai sensei.

Naruto gives Konan double thumbs up. "You look amazing, Konan-neechan!"

"I never thought that outfit could be so stylish," says Sakura, grinning.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL YOU LEAF NINJAS?! Yells Karin. "ITS HORRIBLE AND GHASTLY!"

"Don't shout, Karin," says Sasuke-sensei.

"Yes sensei," says Karin, lowering her voice. Sasuke might be cute, but you do not cross him unless you want to find yourself climbing a cliff with one hand tied behind your back.

"What's wrong with the spandex, anyway?" asks Nagato. "They're so easy to move in and-"

"Take. Them. Off. Now." Krin orders, through gritted teeth.

"Aw, come on, Karin-chan!" begs Nagato-touchan. "They aren't that bad surely!"

"If you don't take them off now," says Karin, crossing her arms. "I will join Team Tsuki no Me."

"You wouldn't-!"

"I would."

"Fine, I'll take them off," agrees Nagato-touchan, slumping over and trudging off to the men's toilets to change.

"You too, Konan sensei," orders Karin.

"You can't fool me with that threat," says Konan evenly. "You and I both know you have no way of finding Team Tsuki no Me, and no desire to join them. Besides, you said yourself that you would never join a team with such a tacky name."

"Fine, you got me," says Karin. "But remember: I know what you keep in the back of your underwear drawer."

"I'll go change," says Konan and heads to the women's toilets.

"Wow, Karin," says Naruto, staring at his cousin in awe. "That was mean."

"It was necessary," says Karin.

"Want some chips?" asks Choji, who is still sitting on Tenten's picnic blanket eating junk food.

"Sure," says Karin, accepting Choji's offer.

Over with the Hyuuga clan, Hiashi is having problems with his elders.

"No, I am not ashamed of their performance!" he insists to his father, the Hyuuga Elder. "They delivered their punchlines admirably!"

"That is not the issue," says Father. "They barely even traded blows! It was barely a fight at all!"

"It was a battle of wits, how is that not a true battle!"

"FATHER!" Hinata runs over to Hiashi and throws her arms around him. "I finally won a match against Neji!"

"It seems our training paid off," says Hiashi. "You did well."

"What kind of training did you do?" asks Neji, following closely behind Hinata.

"Speech therapy, elocution, that sort of thing," answers Hiashi.

"That explains why her stutter is gone," nods Neji.

"You did well too, Neji," says Hiashi. "I am proud of you. You took down the Aburame Heir."

Neji smiles happily. "Thank you, Hiashi sama."

Hiashi raises an eyebrow. Neji should know better than that by now.

"Sorry, I mean, Uncle Hiashi," Neji amends.

"That's better."

While the audience talks about the matches and the contestants prepare for the final match, Iruka shunshins over to Hayate.

"What happened with the computer?" he demands, crossing his arms.

"I don't know," says Hayate. "I only put in a few of the matches."

"And I only planned to do a few dud matches," says Iruka. "Too many and it would have turned old fast."

"I think we need to check out the computer," says Hayate.

Iruka agrees and they head to the computer to examine its control panel. After some examination, Hayate and Iruka turn to stare at each other.

"It has…" Hayate can't quite finish the sentence.

"Did you enter the code phrase?" asks Iruka. "Because I didn't."

"Yes," says Hayate. "But I had no idea that entering 'The Mad King' into the randomization computer would cause the dormant Artificial Intelligence program to start up!"

"We had better report this to the Hokage," says Iruka thoughtfully.

 **Omake**

Admit it: You Wanted it to be Like This Too.

 _Dedicated to Saiyan Hatake for getting my Doctor Who reference in the omake 'A Daffodil is not a Broadsword'._

Asuma runs into the village after his mission, hoping he is not too late. He runs to the hospital, and straight into Kurenai's room.

Konohamaru and Asuma's father are sitting beside Kurenai, who is holding a very special, very tiny person.

Kurenai smiles up at Asuma. "Come meet your daughter, Mirai." she says .

Asuma walks over to the hospital bed to meet his baby.

"Here," says Kurenai, placing Mirai into Asuma's arms.

Asuma gazes proudly down at his daughter. "She's perfect," he says.

There is a knock on the door. Asuma turns to see Hidan standing in the doorway. "Heard you had a little tyke," he says. "Mind if I meet the lil' ####er?"

"Don't swear in front of my baby," Asuma tells Hidan. Hidan is good for a challenging game of shogi, and he and Asuma have become drinking buddies or sorts, but that does NOT give him the right to swear in front of Mirai.

"Fine, fine," says Hidan, agreeing, even though they both know that Hidan would win in a fight between the two of them. "So can I meet the little...er...blighter?"

"Sure," says Asuma, showing his baby to his violent Akatsuki friend.

Mirai looks from one to the other and promptly throws up on them both then starts to cry.

"I don't think she likes you," says Konohamaru.


	39. Bonus Chapter

**Pink Hair Part Three: Jiraiya.**

 _This omake was too long to be an omake, so instead it is a bonus chapter (in the place it fits into the story chronologically). And since it was meant to be an omake, it should be dedicated to someone. Unfortunately, no one has correctly guessed what 'The Mad King' is a reference to, so I'll just have to dedicate it to the fact there are over 80 review now. Yay!_

Jiraiya was having a nice dream. It does not take a genius to figure out what he was dreaming about. Jiraiya tries to stretch, only to discover that he is tied to a tree.

Great. Just great.

But he is not the Great Jiraiya the Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku for nothing. Jiraiya quickly frees himself. In the process, he discovers something else.

The identity of his captor.

Afterall, there is only one person it could be. Iruka Umino. How does he know this?

His hair is pink.

PINK!

What is it with Iruka and PINK hair!? Seriously?

Jiraiya sighs and heads down to the river to find some girls to peep at. The wonderful sound of young ladies giggling floats over to his ears. Jiraiya heads over to their position and hunkers down in the bushes, pulls out his telescope, put his to his eye and sees…

A giant, warty, green face.

Jiraiya screams. (But definitely NOT like a little girl. NOPE. No little girl screams came out of his mouth. None at all.)

"Well put your telescope away, Jiraiya-boy," says Fukasaku.

Jiraiya does so, complaining, "But I was doing research for my next novel! Send me back, now!"

"Sorry, we have orders from the Prank King himself," says Fukasaku. "We are to keep you busy for the next month or two. The exact time is up to us; but you are to stay here no less than a month, but no longer than two."

"I have to stay here for a MONTH?" Jiraiya holds his head in agony.

"Yep," says a voice that Jiraiya knows very, very well. "And it's the perfect time for us to discuss how you got Naruto to sign the contract without asking our permission."

Jiraiya turns slowly to see Gamabunta standing over him, a grin on his face that promised nothing good.

 _This is going to be the longest month I've ever had,_ thinks Jiraiya, turning very, very white.

And the worst part is: there is no way to turn his hair back to normal.

Jiraiya is past the point of exhaustion. He is at that point where he simply acts on automatic reflex. And it is a good thing too. Who knew that toads could make so much mess?

He continues to sweep. It is almost a month since he arrived on Mount Myoboku, but they haven't given him a moment's rest except eating and sleeping. He has to clean up all their mess (which is what he is doing right now) without the aid of Ninjutsu or rubber gloves. Just his bare hands, brooms, scrubbing brushes and a whole lot of elbow grease.

Once he is done with the cleaning, he has to gather all the Toads' food - or what passes as food to them. It is quite possibly the grossest task he has ever had to undertake. And here he thought nothing could be grosser than eating those slimy bugs and worms. Gahh. Jiraiya shudders thinking about it.

But, that is really only a warm-up for the REAL training.

Once all these chores are done, the Toads force Jiraiya change into pink spandex, left for that purpose by Iruka, who got it off Naruto, who got it off Gai for a prank at one point. Then he is required to run until he can no longer run anymore into a Toad version of Might Gai's sunset jutsu.

And to top it off, he than has to train in the Sage Arts. They are not letting him leave Mount Myoboku until he has at least the same amount of control over the Sage Arts as Naruto. While he is training, Fukasaku hits him with his staff at the slightest opportunity.

And that isn't even the worst part.

The worst part is that Gamabunta reminds him, quite smugly, about the fact that Naruto has better control over the Sage Arts than Jiraiya at every opportunity.

And yes, his hair is still bright pink.

The only good think about the situation is that no one except the Toads have seen him with pink hair. It really is a ghastly shade of pink.

Jiraiya hasn't looked in a mirror for an entire month. And he does not want to look at himself with his awful hair.

He is glad none of the ladies have seen him with this violently pink hair. It would make him a laughing stock. Jiraiya does not want to lose his popularity with the ladies, for obvious reasons.

Jiraiya begins to sneeze. It could be the dust from the back of the bookshelf he is cleaning behind, or it could be that someone is talking about him. Like that superstition is true. (At this moment Nagato says, "Where's Jiraiya sensei? He would know.") Jiraiya shrugs and goes back to cleaning. A few minutes later, he sneezes again.

"I'm too old for this," mutters Jiraiya. "I almost wish I'd died in a glorious battle against a foe with god-like powers…" he lets that fantasy trail off and sighs.

It looks like he will be growing old and dying instead of going out in a heroic blaze of glory against a powerful foe, while unlocking the secrets of their power so his young apprentice can complete his mission and take the god-like foe down...

Jiraiya sighs. As if that would ever happen.

(While Jiraiya is having this thought, Nagato starts to sneeze violently. When he is finally finished sneezing Konan says, "That was...odd." Nagato agrees with her, although they are talking about the match, as much as his sneezing fit.)

No, thinks Jiraiya. There will be no heroic end for him. He will die old and tired and senile; no longer spry enough to be a hit with the ladies. Well, maybe not that last part. Jiraiya is planning on being spry his whole life.


	40. The Final Match

"Naruto Uzumaki VS Hinata Hyuuga VS Suigetsu Houzuki!" announces Iruka. "Begin!"

Tsunade watches with rapt attention. This match will be interesting. She turns to Gaara. "100 Yen on Hinata winning," she says.

"I think Naruto will win," says Gaara.

"I'm putting my money on the Akatsuki boy," says Onoki. "He might only be an apprentice, but he is being trained by S Rank criminals."

The guards start exchanging bets too.

Down in the arena, Hinata, Naruto and Suigetsu are circling each other cautiously.

"I will not pull my punchlines!" says Hinata firmly.

"Well they wouldn't have the same punch if you did," says Suigetsu.

"So how are we gonna do this?" asks Naruto. "Wanna team up against Suigetsu, Hinata?"

"No," says Hinata. "This is all on one and one on all!" she activates her byakugan and sends an Eight Trigrams: Air Palm at Suigetsu and Naruto.

Suigetsu turns into a puddle. Naruto grins and pounces on Suigetsu, using some clever chakra manipulation to put the puddle that is Suigetsu into a jar. Where he got the jar is anyone's guess. Naruto then proceeds to shake the jar.

Hinata tries to attack Naruto, but he throws the jar at her. "Look sharp!" he calls.

Hinata is forced to catch the jar or risk setting Suigetsu free.

"Hey, Hinata," says Naruto, grinning. "Let's go out for ramen after this."

"NOT WITHOUT A CHAPERONE, YOU'RE NOT!" yells Hiashi Hyuuga from the Hyuuga section of the audience.

"I'll chaperone," calls back Iruka. "I haven't had a turn at that yet."

"Fine," says Hinata. "But Naruto?"

"Yes?"

"The loser has to pay for ALL the ramen."

"You're on," says Naruto, his face changing to one of cold, hard determination.

"S### just got real," whispers Ao-sama, who came in place of the pregnant Mizukage.

Hinata and Naruto attack each other, holding nothing back.

Pranks, punchlines, ninjutsu, taijutsu, even a game of paper scissors rock.

And all while tossing the jar of Suigetsu back and forth to avoid breaking it.

The audience is on the edge of their seats, and some aren't even sitting. Karin is standing along with many other excited, cheering members of the audience. Banners are waved, encouragement is yelled, sides are taken.

"Give it to him!"

"GO THE HYUUGA!"

"UZUMAKI FOR THE WIN!"

"Team Seven!"

"Team Eight!"

"Hit him with another punchline!"

"I didn't know spoons could be used that way!"

"JUST KISS ALREADY!"

"NO!" (Hiashi yells that.)

Then everything goes very, very quiet.

Tsunade leans forward to get a better look at what just happened.

Water is filling the arena. A huge tidal wave drenches Hinata and Naruto, who are too involved in their fight to notice before it is too late and the chakra infused water has immobilized them. Soon they are trapped: completely submerged in the water. They spin around and around until they are dizzy. Then they are spat back out, gasping for air, only to fall unconscious after a brief, yet eternal, few seconds.

Suigetsu appears on top of the giant wave, then jumps down, picks up the jar and says, "Substitution no jutsu: complete."

"The winner is Suigetsu Houzuki!" announces Iruka.

"I guess they owe me some ramen," grins Suigetsu.

The audience goes completely silent. Then they erupt into cheers and wild applause.

"You all owe me 100 Yen," says Onoki, satisfied.

"I did not see that coming," says Sakura, in amazement.

"Well, he is my apprentice," says Kisame, smugly.

"How did he get out of the jar, though?" asks Choji, who is still eating. "I missed that because I was so focused on Naruto and Hinata."

There is a general murmur of agreement amongst those assembled on Tenten's picnic blanket.

"Well," says Kisame, grinning. "While everyone was focused on Hinata and Naruto, Suigetsu took the opportunity to substitute with an underground pool of water. While everyone was distracted by the epic fight, he got into position. It's all quite simple really. But he was relying on the element of surprise to pull it off."

"Oh, that explains it," nods Ino.

"I want his babies!" says Karin aggressively, clenching her fists. Then she looks embarrassed. "Did I just say that out loud?"

"Yes," says Sai. "Yes you did."


	41. My Father Will Hear About This!

_AN: Hello readers Ignis here once again._ _So; here is the final chapter of Part Two of this series, however it is not the end of the story, as Part Three is coming soon to finish things off. So enjoy the chapter, and we hope to see you in Part Three: '_ _Five Jinchuuriki go on a Road Trip. Shenanigans Ensue'_ _._

"Lady Hokage, there is something important you need to know," says Iruka, approaching Tsunade with Hayate in tow.

"What is it, Punk?" asks Tsunade. "I'm trying to sort out who gets promoted to chunin!"

"The computer is alive!" blurts out Hayate.

"What?" Tsunade looks up from her paperwork in surprise.

"Not quite," says Iruka. "Someone put an Artificial Intelligence program into its hard drive."

"How did we not know this sooner?" asks Tsunade. "Before today, the computer showed no signs of abnormal behaviour, or any behaviour for that matter."

"The Artificial Intelligence software was set to awaken 24 hours after the code phrase 'The Mad King' was entered into the memory banks of its randomization system," explains Iruka. "There is no way to shut down the Artificial Intelligence software now that it has started. Hayate entered the phrase 'The Mad King' into the computer's memory banks while trying to steal my thunder."

Tsunade bangs her head against her desk. When she is finished, she asks, "is there anything else?"

Iruka considers this question then says, "I'll be heading back to the Mist tomorrow morning."

"Aside from that?"

"No, not really, except that I had better make sure the toads give you back Jiraiya before I leave," muses Iruka, and leaves, dragging Hayate behind him.

Tsunade opens the drawer she keeps her bottles of sake in.

Tsunade calls the Hidden Leaf genins who took part in the final stage of the exams into her office. The line up according to their teams, with their Jounin senseis standing behind them.

"Alright, you lot, let's get this over with," drawls out Tsunade, she has about 1 1/2 bottles of sake in her system thanks to a certain sentient computer. "I'll go by team. If I call your name you're a chunin, okay?"

The kids nod their agreement.

Tsunade begins: "From Team Three: Rock Lee, Neji Hyuuga and Tenten are all chunin now. Team Seven: Sai, Naruto Uzumaki and Sakura Haruno are all chunin. Team Eight: Hinata Hyuuga and Shino Aburame are chunin now." Tsunade points at Kiba. "You got owned. Try again some other time."

"Yeah," says Naruto, slyly. "Maybe next time you won't end up fighting an Uzumaki."

The other kids laugh.

"Tough luck, Kiba," says Hinata, sympathetically.

The promoted ninjas are given their official 'You Are A Chunin Now' documents and their fancy new chunin jackets.

"Do they come in orange?" asks Naruto as he slips his on over his jacket.

"NO!" snaps Tsunade. "Now get out of my office! I have important Hokage stuff to do."

"Granny," says Naruto patiently. "We all know this is the only Hokage stuff you're gonna do all day."

A messenger bird flies in the window and lands on Neji's shoulder.

"That bird has been flying between you and someone since the Second Phase," comments Hinata. "Who is it from?"

Neji blushes.

"NEJI'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!" taunts Naruto.

"She's just a friend!" insists Neji, blushing further. "We're pen-pals, that's all!"

Hinata pinches the message off the bird and opens it. Neji snatches it off HInata. "You don't get to see it before I do!" he says, stuffing the letter into his new chunin vest's inside pocket.

"Did you see who it's from?" asks Sakura, all hopeful and excited.

"It's from Fu," says Hinata, a look of wonder on her face. "Neji's been exchanging love-letters with Fu!"

"THEY AREN'T LOVE LETTERS!" insists Neji. "They're just letters, okay?"

"Fu and Neji in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" sings Naruto, tauntingly. "First comes LOVE, then comes MARRIAGE, then comes a baby in a GOLDEN carriage!"

"NARUTO!" Neji is very red now. "She's not my girlfriend!"

"You wish she was!" counters Naruto.

Neji falls silent. And blushes even redder than Hinata is known to get. It must run in the family.

Everyone stares at Neji, open-mouthed.

"You DO like her," says Shino.

"Neji has a crush on Fu?" says Lee, sounding confused. "But Fu is so loud!"

"I like her, okay!" says Neji. "Are you happy now? I admitted it!" he runs from the room, the messenger bird following him.

"Must be a Hyuuga thing," remarks Kakashi. "Hinata and Neji both falling for rambunctious jinchuurikis is too much of a coincidence to be anything but a family thing."

"WILL YOU LOT HURRY UP AND GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" hollars Tsunade, waving her half empty bottle of sake at her idiotic ninjas.

The assembled ninjas file out of Tsunade's office. She is starting to understand why Sarutobi sensei didn't just quit, but went as far as to go on a very long holiday.

As the last of the ninjas in her office leave, Tsunade hears Hinata say, "Just wait until my Dad hears about Neji's crush!"

 **To Be Continued...**


End file.
